please don’t hump me

When I was growing up I had an irrational fear of being humped by dogs. There were quite a few years  they scared the absolute shit out of me. Not because I thought they would attack and bite me… but, I thought they would cling onto my leg and make me their bitch. I used to wake up from nightmares of dogs chasing me just so they could knock me over and help themselves to my limbs.

It seems pretty weird, I know. I actually had no idea what humping was at that time. Guys, I grew up under a rock. I was one of those awkward, overly sheltered, strange kids that liked to sit in the corner and pick my nose. When we first met, it was highly likely you’d assume I was home-schooled. (My husband was home-schooled, so I can say that without it being offensive…right?) All I knew was that a dog had tried before, and my grandpa had smacked his butt and pushed him away, calling it gross. After that, I lived in fear of it happening again.


(Layton. A dog Alex and I fostered for a few months last year)

Now, I love dogs. Hell, I love all animals for the most part. But the same fear still manifests itself now. I can’t watch a nature documentary without having the remote readily available. You bet your ass I’m changing the channel if any sort of animal mating comes on the screen. And, there is still part of me that gets a little nervous and sweaty when we are planning a trip to the zoo.I don’t want to see something that, you know… can’t be unseen. I know, I know. It’s the circle of life. It’s what animals do, they are just procreating. It’s nature. Grow up, Blair… you’re 28. That’s why it’s called an irrational fear, people.

Well, today is Veteran’s Day here in the US. Not only did my grandfather protect me from a hump-happy dog, he also kicked some Nazi ass in WWII. Thanks, Grandpa. Miss you. Please don’t roll over in your grave because I’ve included you in a post about humping.

And, thanks to all veterans for your service. I’d buy all of you lunch if I could afford to.

50 thoughts on “please don’t hump me

  1. afthead says:

    No offense meant to your grandpa, but one time I was at a fancy fundraiser at the zoo and turned to see a monkey staring at me and uh…pleasuring himself. Yes, I’m sure it was a boy. I thought my husband was going to fall over laughing. CAN’T UNSEE!!!

  2. chattykerry says:

    I love this post for the humor and your tribute to your Grandpa. I used to live in the countryside so I have seen most types of humping – lesbian cows, gay donkey with horse. The world is full of weird, funny sex!!

  3. Jody says:

    When someone ‘follows’ me (Thank you!) I like to go check out their blog. OhMyGod, you had me at, “When I was growing up I had an irrational fear of being humped by dogs” With that line I am so in on your blog, your life and every word you write. I have had a pretty depressing month and I think you’ve made me truly laugh for the first time in a long time. Thank you seems inadequate. Still laughing…
    I look forward to reading more!

  4. Rebecca Royy says:

    Ha! Funny post. Took our kids to Africa when they were 15 and 10. They got to see the baboons doing it….and you’re so right! They can’t unsee that!

  5. stephellaneous says:

    You also posted this on hump day. FYI. And I probably shouldn’t tell you that I read, “…part of me that gets a little nervous and MEATY.” What is wrong with me.

    In more important news – this was HILARIOUS!!

  6. A.C. Melody says:

    First, thank you for following my blog! Now, onto why I almost fell out of my chair laughing… my sister actually had that same thing happen to her by our cousin’s cocker spaniel when she was only 6 (I was 10) after tripping and falling on her hands & knees while we were all playing in the yard. Neither one of us has ever developed a fear of being humped by dogs, but I think that’s where her stage-fright/spotlight anxiety comes from and I developed an irrational dislike for cocker spaniels everywhere. I can’t stand the entire breed and there’s not a lot of things I just ‘can’t stand’ so it’s a very strange reaction I have whenever I see one.

    My sister would threaten to kill me if she read this, but then she’d probably suggest you two collaborate on a dog humping support group or something, because like you said when life’s twisted sense of humor is at play sometimes the best and only thing you can do is roll with it and laugh. She’s pretty hilarious despite(or because of?) the early childhood trauma. 😉

  7. wsenglish says:

    I had a pair of butterflies go at on my leg once. To be fair though it was in a national park, which is basically their bedroom. It was awkward for a minute. Luckily butterflies don’t have stamina.

  8. chriscrazy87 says:

    Haha i had the same kind of problem thanks to my brothers Bulldog.

    It bit into my leg when i was a kid and left some nasty cuts, for a while i was wary of dogs in case they tried to bite me.

    There’s a thing which says that animals can pick up vibrations from people(Beach Boys – Good Vibrations), now days that fear is gone, i love animals and they all love me.

    It’s a good sign as a person when cats and dogs on the street are friendly to you, they are more base than humans and see past the layers and self image which people use to judge you.

    So yeah, it’d be weird if animals were wary of you since they pick up on negative vibes -.-

  9. mulchandmorecrafts says:

    Hilarious writing, so glad you found my blog so I could find yours! Keep the stories coming.
    Growing up I had a cat that would attack my legs and scratch, and of course I yelled/screamed and he’d take off. Once I learned to scream just before he reached me, my scratches had time to heal:)

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