dear Google: i am not dying

How many times have you plugged your medical symptoms into Google in an attempt to figure out what the hell was going on with your body? If you haven’t ever done this, for the love of god, don’t start. Unless you think it’s fun to read the numerous ways you might die by the time dinner rolls around. You sick fuck. Just leave it to the professionals, guys. Google is a rude bitch who will try to convince naive teenage girls they can pregnant from gobbling the turkey. (I’ve actually seen girls think this — what the hell, parents? Talk to your kids.) It’s shady and you don’t want to trust it with easing your paranoia.


Speaking of turkey — today is Thanksgiving prep day. For the past few years, I’ve been in charge of the same foods: stuffing, mashed potatoes, and apple crisp. This time around, my mother-in-law basically begged me to not make the stuffing. She told me, with a forced smile, that she bought the ingredients to make stuffing weeks ago. Apparently mine has been so bad in the past she had to plan a month in advance. What the hell? Thanks, Karen. That didn’t sting like a bitch or anything. 

Have fun cooking today, y’all. Hope everyone who is traveling is doing so safely. To all non-Americans who are going about their day like every other Wednesday: happy humping. (It is hump day, after all. Get to it.)


60 thoughts on “dear Google: i am not dying

  1. Rebecca Royy says:

    Another funny post!! No Stuffing HAHA! We’re doing a half marathon tomorrow…then coming home to cook. Wait, I mean we’re doing a half marathon tomorrow, then I’M coming home to cook. Happy Thanksgiving, and keep the laughs coming. I’ll bet you’ll have something funny to say about your Thanksgiving!

  2. Autumn Sky says:

    I am American, and I would rather have the humping. Or the stuffing. Or whatever. I don’t eat turkey. I will give thanks for the humping. 🙂 or the stuffing. Just as long as it isn’t one minute stuffing.

  3. vsperry says:

    I used to try to self diagnose using the computer, but it fed right into my medical anxieties. The stuffing part, well, if your mother-in-law is like my husband, he REALLY likes his version of stuffing. Hence, we are bringing it tomorrow, despite the fact that there will be a vegetarian version there. Some people are picky…

      • Kate Crimmins says:

        That was your problem. You tried to change something up. Never do that on a holiday at least in my family. One time I bought the cranberry sauce with the whole berries instead of the gelatin that looked like a can after you opened it. All hell broke loose. As for medical diagnosis — according to Google I have either the Black Plague or cholera. Personally I think it may be allergies. Please pass the wine!

  4. Lori says:

    I make my stuffing outta a box: Stove Top to the rescue! 🙂
    I also covet my DILs moms stuffing, which is made by hand, is absolutely delicious, and is the stuff of dreams I have around this time of year. Nom, nom, nom…

  5. chattykerry says:

    I think I have a medical degree from all the symptoms I have Googled… 🙂 Have a wonderful time having the far superior stuffing and restrain from wishing that she chokes on it. But if she did, you could do the Heimlich maneuver and be the best daughter in law ever. 🙂

  6. AdrienneCollins says:

    This is the perfect post. I recently googled an issue I was having and it said I have lukemia AND I just got done making a small thing of stuffing for myself for Thanksgiving because my in-laws only eat dressing (there’s a difference a huge difference!)
    Hope you enjoy your mother-in-law’s stuffing and the rest of your Thanksgiving!

  7. cordeliasmom2012 says:

    We’re having a mini stuffing war this year. I’d just as soon make it from a box, but Daughter #3 insists it be made fresh – and she is happy to do so. But she considers herself a gourmet cook, so her stuffing is a little strange sometimes. Meanwhile, mother-in-law announced that she would be coming for dinner and that she would bring the stuffing. Her stuffing is really good. Daughter #3 backed down and said she would bring an appetizer instead. But then mother-in-law decided to go somewhere else for dinner (and presumably take her stuffing with her), so now we’re back to Daughter #3 and whatever concoction she comes up with. As I said, I’d just as soon make the stuffing from a darn box. Thank you for letting me vent.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      Haha, I didn’t even think of that! I don’t watch them, either. I can do some of them, but the show I HAD to stop watching: House. There were too many ‘mysterious, hidden, undetectable illnesses’ for me. That revved up the hypochondria.

  8. SkyPearl says:

    I have to admit, I do turn to google for the small things though, nothing serious. I just really hate going to the doctors. I don’t even have a family doctor lol and walk-ins are long waits. =/

  9. InfiniteZip says:

    I know how to make dinner, I pick up the phone and make reservations, I do enoug dishes around here…let alone thanksgiving that once done, looks like a bomb went off in there….stuck on food, etc….but I have in my day seen a turkey that was cooked with the neck and giblets still inside….now that was just ick…, I eat a ton of sides too….not a big turkey fan🦃

  10. iamhlee says:

    Thank you for the morning laugh! I’m about to start my prep for an untraditional Thanksgiving with only one of my weedlings this year. Since it is just the two of us, we’re option for decadent tidbits: baked brie, smoked salmon, etc. The morning laugh has me ready for a great day 🙂

  11. spartacus2030 says:

    Yep! Pretty shameful! TV commercials are notorious for telling you 18 ways their medication might kill you. We all react to that stuff differently. Yeah… My better half? She always wants to make the stuffing. She puts pork in it and I don’t eat pork. Just so there’s no argument, I close my eyes and swallow… I’ve been trained… I have a pedigree…

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