my mother would be so proud

What’s your biggest phobia? Everyone’s got a few. One of mine? Getting caught in a crowd-gone-crazy and being trampled to death. I know, completely random and irrational. To me, laying naked in a coffin full of spiders crawling all over my skin sounds more enjoyable than going anywhere jam-packed and crowded. Tight spaces? Fine. Spiders on my face? Okay, I can deal. Going to the State Fair? No way in hell. Concert? I might start crying. Parents: be careful you aren’t forever traumatizing your children with Where’s Waldo books. That’s the shit nightmares are made of.


So, yesterday when I decided to go shopping on Black Friday for the first time, it was a big deal. I’ve always been one of those people who thought holiday shoppers were just a bunch of rabid crazies, but…I have to admit — it was kind of fun. I got to shove, elbow, and trip a few people. Throw up the bird here and there. All while saving a few dollars. (My mother, and Joe Rogan, would be so proud.) Plus, it gave me the chance to escape family and be alone for a little bit. It was a holiday win for me. Not so much for the people I took out, though. Those poor shmucks. 

I went into Thanksgiving a bit cautious after the whole stuffing fiasco with my mother-in-law. It went pretty well.  I was pumped full of so much wine I could barely move and pretty oblivious to anything going on. Until dessert rolled around, and she neatly laid all of the choices out on the table. All of them except the one I brought. Which was left alone and covered on an empty table in another room. I think it was on purpose. Alex thinks I’m being paranoid. Which one of us is right?  Only time will tell.

56 thoughts on “my mother would be so proud

  1. Tina's Faerie Files says:

    I don’t like being restrained, but I’m not sure it’s really a phobia or just a common sense self preservation instinct. I don’t really have any actual “control me” type fears. I bet she just forgot your dessert you should have brought it in and added it to the collection. 🙂

  2. needhamb says:

    She left it over there on purpose and you should have pulled a chair over there with a fork or spoon and ate it, all the while proclaiming it was the best dessert you ever tasted. Then ask if anyone want this terrific recipe.

  3. Healthy Not Nuts says:

    I hate crowds, too, and I am a deer in headlights when I have to talk to people I don’t know. Glad you had fun on Black Friday. I am so sorry your dessert got left behind on Thanksgiving. When that happens, it feels like a great big DISS. That happened to me but it was at my brother’s in-laws at my niece’s birthday party. I also never got my nice dish back. They are really good at making us feel unwelcome. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Time to look forward to a happy Christmas Season!

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      We are on the same page with crowds and talking to people lol. It really stings when your stuff is forgotten. Whether intentional or not! And you’re right — now I can look forward to Christmas. I’ve been listening to my holiday music in the car with my windows up. Now I can roll them down and not be embarrassed. Hooray lol

  4. carlalouise89 says:

    While I’m with you, I don’t like small spaces or lots of people. I never go to Boxing Day sales or anything like that, because I don’t think it’s worth it for the discount. But spiders? I’m horrifically terrified of them. I am probably the most arachnophobia(?) person to have ever existed. I will jump if someone even uses the word spiders and I’m not prepared. I can’t handle seeing spiders on the TV or a computer screen (like you just posted – not to make you feel bad!). My point is I’m terribly afraid. With good reason – I’ve had a lot of bad experiences, and this is Australia, so I’ve been bitten twice. One was a red back (actual poisonous spider) and the other was a wolf spider, that climbed into my bed while I was sleeping, and bit me. And it hurt like a bitch (if you don’t know what a wolf spider is, google it. It ain’t no small spider). It also has the potential for necrosis venom, too, so there’s that. And that’s just the two times I’ve been bitten; that’s not all my experiences. I hate spiders. There is literally nothing I fear more, and I literally break down around them. I will scream and cry and hyperventilate …. it’s insane. Long comment, but technically you did ask … 😀

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      Oh man… I’m sorry! Haha. Thanks for sticking through with me even though I posted a picture of your worst nightmare lol. Okay, I would probably be more scared of spiders if I lived in Australia. You’ve got a lot more deadly things roaming around than here. I’ve only been bitten by tiny little spiders… Nothing scary. We have wolf spiders here, but they are looked at as ‘harmless’ so maybe they are a bit different somehow. They are big, though. You should sleep in one of those mosquito nets.. Just as a precaution 🙂

  5. cordeliasmom2012 says:

    It’s possible your mother-in-law simply forgot your dessert, at least I’d like to think so. My daughter’s boyfriend brought a bottle of wine to dinner, and since we already had two bottles opened, I sent his on the kitchen counter. Only after everyone left did we realize that we never even took his wine out of the bag he brought it in. We can only hope no one noticed.

  6. rosiebooks2009 says:

    Well, she might have forgotten – but it’s such a classic mother-in-law/enemy female move, isn’t it? And no one can prove a thing. Not sure I’ve discovered an actual phobia as yet. My worst imaginable situation might be attending a dinner-party with a lot of “book-dropping” literary intellectuals, as opposed to curling up under the table (or, like Jane Eyre, behind the curtain, reading something.

  7. fattymccupcakes says:

    Totally on purpose! Had she not been so eloquent in making sure you didn’t bring your stuffing, I’d say it was harmless, but no way was that an accident!! Mother-in-laws can be the worst! Such a love-hate relationship! And, I HATE Black Friday shopping! It makes me mad for, at least, a week and I never seem to find these elusive deals that make people want to get up in the middle of a food coma to deal with terrifying people, people who will knife you over a pair of $1 fuzzy socks.

  8. simplygiselle says:

    Not put out your dessert? Duly noted. Every time you visit (every.single.time), holiday or not, bring that same dessert, a simple ‘thought you might like a little something for later’…. message sent.

  9. Joseph Nebus says:

    I wouldn’t say I’m actually phobic about eating octopus or squid or other tentacled things. But I do dislike it rather more than I need to, considering how rarely I’m expected to eat them. Anyway, I don’t like the mouth feel or the taste, and the octopus or squid doesn’t get anything good out of the experience. So I’m happy to write that all off as a phobia and have nothing to do with eating them.

    This doesn’t have much to do with Black Friday, of course, since it’s easy for even the determined shopper to stick only to intentional, sanctioned squid-eating those days.

  10. iamhlee says:

    A) I’d rather rub a cheese grater on my face than deal with Black Friday crowds as i hate them as much as you do, so a high five from me for doing it! B) Next year, put your dessert on her chair so she CAN’T miss it and eats it from the bottom up! Ha!

  11. itsmeharshi says:

    I am uneasy in crowd 😕
    But I m okay with the Closed or very suffocating places…ex Recently I went on a religious tour with my family, where we had to go through a Cave having water above knees…
    I went there easily although I had to stand for aprox 15 min. in a narrow way with sweat all over😊 but that was cool…. So its a yes for scary places😆 and no for human crowd😱😱😱

  12. Weird Guy With The Dog says:

    I admit the picture gave me shivers when i first looked! I agree about the crowds as i was lost in one when i was about 5. Never really got over that.

  13. chattykerry says:

    I hope your mil left the dessert there by accident – trying to find the best in people?? You should try shopping during Ramadan in a city of 20 million people with no sense of personal space or deodorant…:)

  14. Kate Crimmins says:

    Someday you might be a MIL. Remember all this so you are a good one! My first MIL was a nice lady but sometimes she tried to train me. For heaven’s sake I was in my 20s. Well, beyond training! Still I knew in my heart she was a good person so I didn’t take offense. As for yours? Can’t call it. Surprised you didn’t say, “I think you forgot one” and went to bring it in. How could she say anything then? She’d look stupid.

  15. bagofnerveslady says:

    A phobia of vomiting, which is called emetophobia and it manifests itself in all sorts of ways. I’ve had it all my life.

  16. Justice&Humanity says:

    I’m claustrophobic, but I also hate, hate, hate noisy places where it is difficult to orient myself. Being blind and having PTSD, I have the nasty combination of not being able to scope out an exit route if things go wrong and a knee-jerk anxiety that is sure something will go wrong. But my biggest social phobia is needing a bathroom *right freaking now* and having no idea where it is. That kind of thing could scare the crap right out of you. In public.

  17. Dan says:

    Black Friday is a relatively new phenomenon in my part of Canada. I was off that day and had nothing better to do so I grabbed something at Starbucks, found a nice perch to watch the chaos.
    After waiting a couple hours, it became obvious the stories I’d heard of rampaging parents, poorly behaved fathers and general pandemonium was not going to happen.

    Black Friday was a let down.

  18. cathymack62 says:

    So much awesome on this post! I’m not afraid of crowds, just find them super annoying although in high school my mom and I “did” Black Friday one year just to say we did it. And as far as mother in laws, I have to brag that I think I hit the jackpot with mine. Her biggest flaw is that she asks us too many questions about our lives…well, that and she bleached our bed sheets to death last week when we left the laundry at her house (our apartment is not equipped with washing machine hook ups).

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