a storm is brewing

This post is going to get a little sticky, folks. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t enjoy a vivid bodily-function-story, you may want to skip this one. For everyone else: strap yourselves in and keep your eyes on the road. It’s about to get all taboo up in here.(You’ve been warned)  Let’s jump right in. 

Have you ever been out somewhere and had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom? Now, I’m not talking about drinking too much of your beloved Starbucks vanilla latte and taking a stroll over to the ladies room to pee. I’m talking about standing in the middle of the grocery store and getting a sharp pain that alerts you that a storms-a-brewin’. You’re forced to abandon your shopping cart and propel into a sprint past the front registers.  Don’t worry about all the customers and employees thinking you are crazy, there is just one goal: Get. To. The. Car. You can make it home, right? It’s only five minutes.

familypooper

You’ve driven this route a million times. You’re 100% sure you’re going to make it. Your seat heater is cranked. Your music is pumping. There’s no doubt you’ll be able to make it home and enjoy the privacy of your own bathroom. Hallelujah. Then it hits you again, and this time it’s harder. Your toes curl, you begin to sweat profusely, and everyone else driving on the road has turned into a ‘motherfucker who won’t get the hell out of the way.’ 

Creepy & curious minds (mine) want to know: how do you handle this situation?

PS – Be careful when adding more broccoli to your diet.

 

130 thoughts on “a storm is brewing

  1. fattymccupcakes says:

    Good Lort. This has happened to me FAR TOO MANY TIMES. I almost don’t even want to admit it, but I relate all.too.well. I am quite pleased that I have NEVER ruined my car seats. Yet.

  2. Melissa says:

    You are not going to believe this but I read this post on my phone while sitting on the toilet after the storm hit. Luckily I was home doing laundry so it was a short sprint.

  3. helbergfarmstories says:

    Hee hee – I have not had that urge – BUT – we live, apparently, in a perfect stop-off point on our highway. One of the strangest we had was a beautiful elderly couple that pulled in one summer day. The man got out and politely begged our forgiveness, and asked – could my wife use your bathroom, I am afraid she cannot wait? We, of course, said yes!! They were such nice people and it was obvious they were not meaning anything bad or harmful (unlike many of our off the highway persons) so it was just the right thing to do at that moment! Don’t think I will ever forget it. (fyi – they even tried to pay us?? whhhaatt?? LOL!!)

    • pixieannie says:

      Last year, we had an elderly couple knock on our front door (no it is not a euphemism) and they asked if the lady might use our bathroom. We obliged and she duly paid a visit to the small room. When she had paid her dues, she thanked us and left. I forgot all about this until about an hour later when I went to use the bathroom. I walked in on a scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It looked like chocolate had exploded and I kid you not when I say that it was even on the walls. WTF….. Never again.

  4. Warrior Freya says:

    Grocery store bathroom for me. There’s nothing embarrassing about bodily functions that everyone has experienced before, and if someone wants to try to make me feel bad about it I’ll kindly apologize for having a digestive track with a most heartfelt middle finger as I walk away. Because I’m classy like that. : D

  5. pixieannie says:

    There’s a poll? Am I in the wrong room. I’ve been there more than once and it wasn’t pretty. I’ve also had the pleasure of passing out while on the toilet. During my last bout of ‘runny tummy’ I decided that the bath would be the best option as I could be washed clean….sadly, I never made it the whole 2 feet from the toilet to the bath.

    Then of course, there was the incident with Picolax that I may tell you about when I’m feeling generous. Until then, have a look at this.
    http://www.dla-associates.co.uk/crud/Picolax.pdf It is one of the funniest things I have EVER read.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      There IS a poll 🙂 You have to go to my actual site to see it. I don’t think it can be seen through the reader. Oh man, I’m glad you were okay when you passed out. There are a lot of hard surfaces in the bathroom to hit your head on. I’m going to read it! I have no idea what Picolax is lol

      • pixieannie says:

        Don’t blame me if you bust a rib. Just saying. I hit my head on the radiator just as I was on my way to the floor. It was fine…..eventually.

      • pixieannie says:

        I still have some Picolax in my safe. Don’t ask why it is in the safe but it is. I have no wish to ever, ever take that stuff again. It failed to work on me in the way it should be I did find out that I was able to vomit across the room at a speed and distance I didn’t think were possible for a human.

  6. bgddyjim says:

    Blair, this scenario doesn’t even rank in my top 25… You’re a mile out in the woods, sitting in a deer blind. It’s 23 degrees, a little bit of snow and a lot of ice on the ground because the rain from the night before froze. Your stomach gurgles so you quietly exit your blind to hike the mile back to camp which has your out in the great wide open crapper which consists of 1. A hole in the ground, 2. A 5 gallon bucket with a hole cut out of the bottom, and 3. A 30 year old wooden toilet seat screwed to said bucket… You make it 45 steps and you realize there is no way you’re making it another nine and a half tenths of a mile to camp.

    Dead, frozen leaves and sphagnum moss. After leaning against a tree.

    Living through that, your scenario won’t even make me perspire.

  7. Rebekah says:

    This happened to my hubs recently. We went to a drugstore but their bathroom was out of order. We ended up driving back to the restaurant we had just been at and had to jump out of the car in live traffic to change seats so he could go inside and I could park the car. He was pretty miserable. I think the key is to be careful with any dietary changes and also know where local bathrooms are! 🙂

  8. Dan says:

    If you have to drive home, it helps to hold yourself off the seat a couple inches. Levitation keeps it all together. If that doesn’t work, find the closest hotel, walk in like you have a room, smile at the receptionist and ask where the closest washroom is. They are always spotless. Works every time.

  9. The Voice says:

    Like many here, I can say I’m a member of the club. I used to make the Herculean effort to hold it until I got home. After all, who wouldn’t prefer to poop in the comfort of the familiar home bathroom, right? Each time it happened, I made it home in time. Barely. Until I didn’t.

    Regrettably, I was living in a second floor apartment at the time. When you’ve already lost the battle and have to take the walk of shame, climbing two flights of stairs is just added discomfort and humiliation.

    So now I wisely just find the closest public restroom, find a stall and paint the bowl. I find the discomfort of going in public is far less than the painful drive home.

    Well gosh, this was pleasant. Yeah… good talk. 🙂

  10. sarahcrystals says:

    Oh I have had a lovely time with that. Sometimes I just don’t even care and will tear up the store’s bathroom and act like I had nothing to do with the battle that went on in there. On the opposite end of that, while taking an elderly friend out to lunch…she didn’t make it to a bathroom….windows had to be rolled down on that frigid winter’s day. Febreeze had to be called in to council my poor car seat through the ptsd it suffered. Needless to say I now pack towels in the car when she is with me.

  11. Midwestern Plant Girl says:

    Yup. It would be the grocery store’s problem to clean up my remnants. 💩 As an enjoyer of IBS, I don’t get 5 minutes to think of getting home. It’s nearest bathroom, bucket or tree… I’m not going to shit myself!
    I am a believer in the ‘courtesy flush’ tho. .. something others may want to think about!

  12. Todd KS says:

    The last “sudden onset” hit me just as I was taking my groceries out of the shopping cart and putting them on the mini conveyor belt/cashier counter. I felt I was at the point of no return shopping-wise, so I decided to power through it. I’m sure the cashier and the people in line behind me were wondering why I was standing so still in such an awkward stance, my face turning red from muscle strain, all the while trying to breathe and act normally. It was a very long walk to the car, punctuated by frequent stops in the middle of the parking lot.

    I lost the battle. And I had to burn those pants.

  13. Justice&Humanity says:

    Yeah, just imagine this happening and you’re blind and you’re alone and you therefore must ask for assistance finding the bathroom, and then there’s a line, as there always is for the ladies, and you are sure you are going to wind up on YouTube if you do not get the frigging hell into a stall NOW! Or it hits you on the subway, on which there are no bathrooms, and even if there ware, only someone who wanted to flirt with fatal infection would use one.

  14. oldandfuzzy says:

    Yup, happened to me after leaving Costco (couldn’t be that I was hitting up one too many free samples could it?) BTW – “Slow and Steady” is the only option when you’re carting around small kids. Let’s just say the mv and mom jeans were already well worn in….

  15. Ealachan says:

    I’m an unrepentant public bathroom shitter, but I’m also picky about the public bathrooms I release my krakens into. My husband works at the local convenience store, for instance, and I’d rather clench my butt cheeks three extra minutes to get home than let fly in his store’s bathroom. Not least of all because I don’t want him to have to be associated with The Smell That Would Not Die, but also because their bathroom is SO cold and uncomfortable. The bathrooms at the grocery store, on the other hand? Warm, comfortable, excellent lighting, relative anonymity, FREE WI-FI…it’s basically my second most favorite shitting venue after my own home toilet.

  16. Otakraft says:

    If I were in the middle of the grocery store and my bowels began to rebel, I’m sorry to everyone there but I’m going to use their restroom. I have had the unfortunate experience of shitting myself when I was a very young teenager and I can tell you that I will NOT risk doing it again. So apologies to Win-dick-me, but if I have to go that badly that suddenly I’m going in your bathroom.

  17. carolynswriting says:

    Love it! Totally can relate, unfortunately I have moments like this at work and just have to hope desperately that my poor colleagues don’t come in! It’s the only time I like to use overpowering scented sprays. Our bodies can be curses 😉

  18. Blunderdad says:

    Yes. Yes I know this scenario well. A successful conclusion to this situation sometimes involves “matter” rocketing out and almost grazing the waist band of trousers that were yanked down in just the knick of time. . . . Like a bullet dodging scene from The Matrix.

  19. rangewriter says:

    I thought I was the only person who MUST poop at home. I’ve often wondered if I could talk myself quickly out of a ticket, or if the cop was too slow, perhaps the stench would ward him off?

  20. Maryanne says:

    Many years ago, when I was still single, I’d always go to NYC on Sundays and treat myself to lunch in the East Village. I had a delicious healthy meal, but unfortunately it didn’t agree with me. Shortly after I left the restaurant, I had to go REALLY BAD. I was pretty close to my ex-boyfriend’s apartment so I called him and luckily he was home — he saved the day! I doubt I could have waited the walk or cab ride back to Port Authority and then 30 minute bus ride home to New Jersey. That’s the great thing about New Yorkers, nothing much bothers or shocks them. To this day, we’re still good friends. 🙂

  21. BipolarOnFire says:

    When your head hits the grocery store ceiling, just make like it’s all fun and games and yell “3-2-1 BLASTOFF!” What else can you do? People have explosions. It’s a fact of life. Let it go, let it blow, I say!

  22. Rosie Scribblah says:

    Me? I’ll take a dump anywhere. After decades of IBS I have no shame. The grocery toilet would have suffered my onslaught. Worst dump I took was back in the 1980s at a bike rally in a field near Bristol. Wandered over the hedge to the next field in the twilight and only realised when I squatted that I was in a field of stinging nettles. Riding a motorbike a hundred miles home the next day was no fun!

  23. anthonypandolfo says:

    The worst is when you actually make it home without shitting your pants, only for your a-hole to just let go—one moment after you’ve lowered your speedo (or thong) and two moments before your cheeks touch down—essentially, shitting while sitting. Now, if you’re lucky, you’ll just poo on the back of the seat. You may end up sitting on it, but it sure beats the alternative, I assure you. You see, it’s possible—I know, it happened to me—for

  24. anthonypandolfo says:

    The worst is when you actually make it home without shitting your pants, only for your a-hole to just let go—one moment after you’ve lowered your speedo (or thong) and two moments before your cheeks touch down—essentially, shitting while sitting. Now, if you’re lucky, you’ll just poo on the back of the seat. You may end up sitting on it, but it sure beats the alternative, I assure you. You see, it’s possible—I know; it happened to me—for—how shall I say—things to get a bit messier. You wanted to drop the bomb over Porcelaintown. You’re even okay with dropping a bomb on the outskirts of Seatsville, but the border between Seatsville and Tankville?—no! No one wants that. If a bomb detonates there, one has to scoop up the bodies with a spoon (plastic, preferably). Look—if I lost you with the shitty metaphor, I’m simply saying to shit in the crevice between the seat and the tank is … well, the worst outcome imaginable; cleanup is unsavory, at best. Sincerely, IBS (I Be Shittin’)

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