Sometimes it’s nice to have a friend that’s a cop so you can ask them burning questions like: ‘would you take diarrhea as an excuse for speeding home?‘ I don’t know any cops in real life – I think they can sense the crazy and steer clear of me until they get the phone call that forces them to my doorstep. Because they know it’s coming someday. Lucky for me, I found a cop-friend here in blogland.(And yes, I asked him about the diarrhea & speeding question.) He runs a humor blog that chronicles the random and crazy shit that goes on during his shift. It’s like watching the crazies on the show Cops, but reading it instead. It’s hilarious and semi-alarming (because people are so dumb.) But… don’t laugh at people’s idiocy, guys. That would be wrong. So very wrong. (Says the chick that loves laughing at idiots)
So, without further ado – here’s a post from my hilarious cop-friend, Badge415, about a fellow officer’s run in with a used dildo:
“One night I pulled up to a traffic collision scene in which a vehicle had collided into a wall. The suspect vehicle was an SUV and its rear door was open. I walked up to the vehicle and saw an officer frantically rubbing his hands with an alcohol wipe. In fact, he was rubbing his hands so fast I thought the friction was going to start a fire.
He had a worried look on his face as he said, “Do you have any hand sanitizer.”
“No. Why?”
He then walked over to the suspect vehicle and showed me something that looked like a pink hammer. As I got closer, I saw it was a sex toy.
“What the heck is that?” I asked.
He said, “I was patting him down and I pulled that out of his pocket. The guy told me he used that on his girlfriend tonight.”
The officer wasn’t wearing gloves at the time and I busted up laughing. I laughed so loud someone would’ve wondered what was wrong with me. The poor officer didn’t think it was that funny though. He actually had a traumatized look on his face and I couldn’t blame him. I then took my phone out and snapped a picture of the thing.
Of course, the story was told over and over again after that. Everyone had the same look of shock and disgust when they saw the picture and heard the story.
A few days later, I was in Target when I saw this curling iron on one of the main aisles. I instantly thought of the cop when I saw it. I sent him a picture hoping he would think it was as funny as I did. Luckily he was cool about it.
This was just one of those stories that had to be told.”
Make sure you visit him. He has some great stories on his blog
Lately, I’ve been thinking about having guest posters here once in awhile. I don’t have the mental capacity to post every day (seriously, how do y’all do it? I can sit down after 2 days of not posting, and still draw a blank.) So, I thought it would be cool to share some funny stories from other people. Maybe you have a blog you don’t want to write inappropriate stories on, or it would be too off topic, or… you just want to share something hilarious with the kickass readers here. Well… I enjoy a good sex, poop, any embarrassing or funny personal story in general. I don’t run a classy joint, contrary to popular belief. Okay, I’m pretty sure nobody believes that.
(I’ve never done this before, and I’m feeling very much like the new-kid. Are there protocols? Common courtesies? Secrets I should know about? Help a girl out.) If you have a story you want to share, you can email me @ theshamefulsheep@gmail.com
The Shameful Sheep 
That is funny! I’ll have to check out his blog. Yeah, I don’t know how people post every day much less multiple times a day. I limit mine to 3x a week and sometimes still find myself at a loss. Guest posting is a good idea if you want to keep up once a day posts.
I don’t even think I could manage daily posts with a guest blogger here and there lol. I’m pretty slow. In my opinion, 3 or 4 times a week is a good week.
Great idea. I’m a newbie too but I believe the rulebook says something about compensation in Chuck E. Cheese tokens…
That sounds nice lol. I’d love to support someone’s love of balls. (The ones in the big pits, at least)
I think the cop should consider himself lucky. The suspect could have just used it on his boyfriend. 🙂
Hahah kinky.
And messier.
Oh, that was funny! Checked out his blog and decided I had to start following. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for checking his page out 🙂
Haha! I will check him out 🙂
My only advice when having guest posters is to remember that they bring their own audience with them, to your page, and that increases your readership, so abundant thanks go a long way.
True! Thanks for the advice 🙂
Guests are a good idea. I don’t know how anyone posts every day. It would be hard to keep the posts interesting. Before you know it you are talking about poop and stuff. Wait! Maybe it would be interesting!
Hahaha. Hey, now. Poop is fun to talk about sometimes 🙂
and that is why I like you!
Well Blair, there are no rules, persay, but I’m sure WordPress has something to say about that. I try to stay relatively clean because I have two young girls and I’m trying to raise them up proper, as my parents tried to do for me. Other than my own experience, well I guess I don’t know how far you can go. Chuckle.
I’m curious what WP would have to say lol. It’s nice to stay classy for your kids. I gotta let my freak flag fly while I can. 🙂
Amen, sister.
Loved it! I’m sure I have a few appropriately inappropriate stores for you.
Stories, not stores. Sheesh.
Although, I’m a fan of inappropriate stores, too 🙂
Snort!
WHO can post every day???? If they do it’s some boring-ass shit about how they went to the grocery store and bought some celery. NOT how you get the followers!! That cop story is funny and all kinds of gross. Ya know, watching Cops is my guilty pleasure…don’t tell anyone!
Agreed. I love Cops. I saw someone I knew from the past on there once. It made my year. Not much better than a Cops marathon
OMG you saw someone you knew?!?! Major score!!! That would be so gratifying!! 😀
It was pretty amazing.
Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! I guess being a cop isn’t always glamorous. What I wanna know is: ‘Is that any way to drive?’ I dunno… Maybe it’s a fun way to drive off a cliff? LOL!
Haha no. I don’t think it’s glamorous! Good question 🙂
Lmao I’m laughing hysterically! I was laughing just seeing the title of this post show up in my e-mail inbox! Thank you for sharing!! 😀
Thank you 🙂 and thanks for the reblog/share
Reblogged this on A Dose of Inspiration and commented:
Really funny story!! If you need a good laugh, read this! ;-D
I used “having to poop really bad, like, I can’t hold it anymore!” as an excuse when I got pulled over once! I was on my way to a marathon and pulled out a roll of toilet paper from my bag and put it on the passenger seat. The cop took my license and insurance and went to run it in the system. He came back and I said, “Look, please just give me a ticket or not, otherwise, I’m going to go behind that tree over there!”
He told me where the nearest gas station was. 🙂
No ticket? Nice! Haha. Did you actually have to go or were you just trying to give an excuse? I’m curious lol
Well, not really. I did have to go, but it wasn’t emergent. I was going to go as soon as I got to the race. I told a cop friend about it after and he congratulated me and said he would never give a person going to a race a ticket in the future. Lol.
I figured that absolved me of my fib.
It’s forgiven lol. You’ve done the racing community a great service.
Ewwwww!
Pretty disturbing, right? Lol
I really need you to hurry up and make friends with a cop so that you can ask those hard-hitting questions! Also, having guest posters is a great idea! I might take you up on that one of these days…you know, if something interesting happens to me 😉
I hope you do 🙂 you are hilarious.
Thank you! Right back atcha! I (jokingly) asked myself if I have any weird/funny vibrator stories, and the scary thing is that I do. Like, more than one. Yikes.
Oh god haha. How many awkward vibrator stories can a girl have? I’m intrigued
That is hilarious! How the hell did the guy fit that in his pocket?!? Great introduction for your cop friend!
Good question. Big pockets I assumed, but now I’m curious because it looks huge. A lot to take on, don’t you think?! Jeez
That’s what I thought! And how does the dude uh… “measure up” to that thing?!? 😱
He doesn’t! Haha. If he was smart he wouldn’t use it on her. Once it’s his turn, she won’t be able to feel anything. Poor fella
😂😂😂😂😂
Reblogged this on wwwpalfitness.
By the way, what-is-up with that anal bead curling iron???? It SCARES me!!!
Haha I’ve never seen a curling iron quite like it before. Now you have me wondering about all the weird shit people have tried to do with it. Eh…
Makes me think of a pig, roasted on a spit. Eeeeeehhhhh!!!
Disturbing, lol
Yeah. I’m going to bed now.
I’m sharing this with my friends who are cops, I think they are going to love his blog. Thanks for this, I’m sure it will make their day.
That’s awesome. Thanks for sharing. His blog is hilarious !
Hey Blair, thanks for the link to the cop, got a good laugh. A great idea to have guest posters on your blog, that’ll add even more entertainment – not that you need more, you’re pretty funny on your own!
Haha thank you 🙂
That was freaking funny, I may or may not have peed myself laughing
Time for a clean pair of undies. Just in case. Lol
Do you realise you are going to be inundated with all our embarrassing posts about sex, vibrators and poo 😄😄 I shall be sending mine tomorrow – and then hiding behind your blog Ha! 😄
Haha yesss that makes me happy. I love funny/embarrassing stories. I’ll be excited to read yours 🙂
Hey how you doing? I did my embarrassing post on my blog – I tagged you but not sure if I did it correctly – still learning 3 months later 😨
I’m supposed to be the one that posts it technically. So it’s kind of like I feature you on my blog 🙂 but this works, too! Haha. I’ll go read it
I’m rubbish honestly, I have not a clue how this all works – sorry 😞 but don’t fret – I have many more embarrassing stories that I can email to you if you like 😁
That’s okay! Your story was hil-ar-i-ous. You can email me another one if you want 🙂
I will 😁 x
Oh you do run a classy. Hahaha nice
Not sure how anyone could be disgusted. I think it’s hilarious.
I would be happy to be a guest on your blog. Tell me what you’re looking for and I shall deliver.
Anything funny 🙂 Really. I’m not looking for anything specific 🙂
I’ll happily put something together and you can decide if you want to use it or not. There was something that happened last night and it may or may not be to your liking.
I’m sure it’s fine 🙂 E-Mail me it when you can!
I also have a poem that might be suitable. I’ll send that first. I’ve only just finished that so not sure if it’s quite right but see what you think..
Ohhh, humor poems are my favorite lol
Where might I be sending it?
theshamefulsheep@gmail.com 🙂
Of course it is
Oh a classy joint. Oopsy 😄😄😄😄
The classiest 😀
Damn. I was hoping for some erotica involving Detective Stabler.
Oh shit, that would be nice. Sorry to get your hopes up haha
That’s OK. It got my mind moving in the right direction. LOL
At least I helped a smidge lol
Dear Blair,
Your blog is awesome.
Thank you for being yourself (authentic).
Thank you for your support.
Please be well.
Respectfully,
Hubert Mouscardy
Thank you! I appreciate it 🙂
I could keep you in poop stories for at LEAST a month, I bet. Poop is hilarious. Until it gets on you…then the fun is definitely over.
Agreed. Once it’s on you, it’s not fun anymore. Gross.
I could give you a few guest posts, but you’d have to give me a writing prompt. And like a few days to get it to you. Hmu! 🙂
How about the writing prompt of “what’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you?” Lol
That’s always a fun one 🙂
Can do. How can I send it to you when I’m done?
theshamefulsheep@gmail.com 😀
The shit you must deal with as a police officer. This makes me ever so happy and excited that my brother in law is joining the force this year.
Maybe you have some used dildo stories coming your way haha
As a paramedic we used to say: stupid people keep us in business. 🙂
Well, now I have to follow you – you have awesome friends!
Thanks! I agree 🙂
True story, I used to sell adult novelty, kind of like door to door dildo sales, and let me tell you THAT TOY…I can COMPLETLY UNDERSTAND the HAND SANITIZER………..I am laughing so….crying….I think I gotta pee now!!!! LAUGHTER
Haha, it seems like a gross one!
Well, like it would be gross to touch someone’s used one. Not that it’s gross in general. Lol
That story was hilarious! I’m new to WP and thanks for stopping by my blog. Will check out your others posts.
Thank you 🙂
NO joke my 95 year old grandma used the diarrhea excuse to get out of a speeding ticket (she wasn’t driving my aunt was.) and yes it worked. My aunt said the cop was laughing so hysterically he just waved them off.
Hahaha. Nice. He probably figured he couldn’t mess with an elderly woman with diarrhea.
I gather that the cop-friend’s answer to the diarrhea & speeding question is a closely guarded secret.
Haha not really. There was an instance where he believed someone, and an instance where he didn’t. So, it’s a 50/50 shot! Sucks.
“Show me the shit or I will write U a ticket.”
Hahah sick.
OMG! That’s hilarious.!
I just bought a new curling wand exactly like the one pictured. After reading this post I sent a picture of it to my boyfriend, and he immediately got upset because he thought it was a dildo too hahaha!! Even the cashier at target was blushing when she put it in the bag for me. If I had been quick enough on my feet I would have been like “Oh honey, I don’t need this to have a good time!”
Hahaha. Why would she blush? They don’t sell dildos in Target right? Am I missing out on this super exclusive section that needs a special invite? This sounds fun lol. That curling iron definitely looks like a dildo haha
Haha I’m going to be mad if I’ve been making special trips to sex shops all these year if I could have just gone to Target all along.
Lol I’m going to do a post about the new curling wand. It’s actually fabulous! I mean, as a curling wand … But Dear Boyfriend keeps giving me hell about it being a new toy 😉
Haha. Hey, I need a new curling iron. Maybe I should look into the dildo one. Sounds like it’s nice
Oh also, I think she might have been more inclined to blush because I ordered it ahead of time to pick up at the customer service desk. Which I did out of convenience, but I can sort of see someone doing that with a purchase they don’t want to be seen in the checkout line with. 😉