cops, dildos, and guest posters. oh my

Sometimes it’s nice to have a friend that’s a cop so you can ask them burning questions like: ‘would you take diarrhea as an excuse for speeding home?‘ I don’t know any cops in real life – I think they can sense the crazy and steer clear of me until they get the phone call that forces them to my doorstep. Because they know it’s coming someday. Lucky for me, I found a cop-friend here in blogland.(And yes, I asked him about the diarrhea & speeding question.) He runs a humor blog that chronicles the random and crazy shit that goes on during his shift. It’s like watching the crazies on the show Cops, but reading it instead. It’s hilarious and semi-alarming (because people are so dumb.) But… don’t laugh at people’s idiocy, guys. That would be wrong. So very wrong. (Says the chick that loves laughing at idiots)

So, without further ado –  here’s a post from my hilarious cop-friend, Badge415, about a fellow officer’s run in with a used dildo:


“One night I pulled up to a traffic collision scene in which a vehicle had collided into a wall. The suspect vehicle was an SUV and its rear door was open. I walked up to the vehicle and saw an officer frantically rubbing his hands with an alcohol wipe. In fact, he was rubbing his hands so fast I thought the friction was going to start a fire.


He had a worried look on his face as he said, “Do you have any hand sanitizer.”

“No. Why?”

He then walked over to the suspect vehicle and showed me something that looked like a pink hammer. As I got closer, I saw it was a sex toy.

“What the heck is that?” I asked.

He said, “I was patting him down and I pulled that out of his pocket. The guy told me he used that on his girlfriend tonight.”

The officer wasn’t wearing gloves at the time and I busted up laughing. I laughed so loud someone would’ve wondered what was wrong with me. The poor officer didn’t think it was that funny though. He actually had a traumatized look on his face and I couldn’t blame him. I then took my phone out and snapped a picture of the thing.

Of course, the story was told over and over again after that. Everyone had the same look of shock and disgust when they saw the picture and heard the story.


A few days later, I was in Target when I saw this curling iron on one of the main aisles. I instantly thought of the cop when I saw it. I sent him a picture hoping he would think it was as funny as I did. Luckily he was cool about it.

This was just one of those stories that had to be told.”

Make sure you visit him. He has some great stories on his blog


Lately, I’ve been thinking about having guest posters here once in awhile. I don’t have the mental capacity to post every day (seriously, how do y’all do it? I can sit down after 2 days of not posting, and still draw a blank.) So, I thought it would be cool to share some funny stories from other people. Maybe you have a blog you don’t want to write inappropriate stories on, or it would be too off topic, or… you just want to share something hilarious with the kickass readers here. Well… I enjoy a good sex, poop, any embarrassing or funny personal story in general. I don’t run a classy joint, contrary to popular belief. Okay, I’m pretty sure nobody believes that. 

(I’ve never done this before, and I’m feeling very much like the new-kid. Are there protocols? Common courtesies? Secrets I should know about? Help a girl out.) If you have a story you want to share, you can email me @



110 thoughts on “cops, dildos, and guest posters. oh my

  1. Marissa Bergen says:

    That is funny! I’ll have to check out his blog. Yeah, I don’t know how people post every day much less multiple times a day. I limit mine to 3x a week and sometimes still find myself at a loss. Guest posting is a good idea if you want to keep up once a day posts.

  2. joey says:

    Haha! I will check him out 🙂
    My only advice when having guest posters is to remember that they bring their own audience with them, to your page, and that increases your readership, so abundant thanks go a long way.

  3. Kate Crimmins says:

    Guests are a good idea. I don’t know how anyone posts every day. It would be hard to keep the posts interesting. Before you know it you are talking about poop and stuff. Wait! Maybe it would be interesting!

  4. bgddyjim says:

    Well Blair, there are no rules, persay, but I’m sure WordPress has something to say about that. I try to stay relatively clean because I have two young girls and I’m trying to raise them up proper, as my parents tried to do for me. Other than my own experience, well I guess I don’t know how far you can go. Chuckle.

  5. BipolarOnFire says:

    WHO can post every day???? If they do it’s some boring-ass shit about how they went to the grocery store and bought some celery. NOT how you get the followers!! That cop story is funny and all kinds of gross. Ya know, watching Cops is my guilty pleasure…don’t tell anyone!

  6. spartacus2030 says:

    Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! I guess being a cop isn’t always glamorous. What I wanna know is: ‘Is that any way to drive?’ I dunno… Maybe it’s a fun way to drive off a cliff? LOL!

  7. HaleyComet says:

    I used “having to poop really bad, like, I can’t hold it anymore!” as an excuse when I got pulled over once! I was on my way to a marathon and pulled out a roll of toilet paper from my bag and put it on the passenger seat. The cop took my license and insurance and went to run it in the system. He came back and I said, “Look, please just give me a ticket or not, otherwise, I’m going to go behind that tree over there!”

    He told me where the nearest gas station was. 🙂

  8. amanda (Just in Queso) says:

    I really need you to hurry up and make friends with a cop so that you can ask those hard-hitting questions! Also, having guest posters is a great idea! I might take you up on that one of these days…you know, if something interesting happens to me 😉

  9. Miriam says:

    Hey Blair, thanks for the link to the cop, got a good laugh. A great idea to have guest posters on your blog, that’ll add even more entertainment – not that you need more, you’re pretty funny on your own!

  10. pixieannie says:

    Not sure how anyone could be disgusted. I think it’s hilarious.

    I would be happy to be a guest on your blog. Tell me what you’re looking for and I shall deliver.

  11. Lady Dickson says:

    The shit you must deal with as a police officer. This makes me ever so happy and excited that my brother in law is joining the force this year.

  12. Dandelion Buttons says:

    True story, I used to sell adult novelty, kind of like door to door dildo sales, and let me tell you THAT TOY…I can COMPLETLY UNDERSTAND the HAND SANITIZER………..I am laughing so….crying….I think I gotta pee now!!!! LAUGHTER

  13. MmrliRuddy says:

    NO joke my 95 year old grandma used the diarrhea excuse to get out of a speeding ticket (she wasn’t driving my aunt was.) and yes it worked. My aunt said the cop was laughing so hysterically he just waved them off.

  14. Charlotte Graham says:

    I just bought a new curling wand exactly like the one pictured. After reading this post I sent a picture of it to my boyfriend, and he immediately got upset because he thought it was a dildo too hahaha!! Even the cashier at target was blushing when she put it in the bag for me. If I had been quick enough on my feet I would have been like “Oh honey, I don’t need this to have a good time!”

      • Charlotte Graham says:

        Haha I’m going to be mad if I’ve been making special trips to sex shops all these year if I could have just gone to Target all along.

        Lol I’m going to do a post about the new curling wand. It’s actually fabulous! I mean, as a curling wand … But Dear Boyfriend keeps giving me hell about it being a new toy 😉

      • Charlotte Graham says:

        Oh also, I think she might have been more inclined to blush because I ordered it ahead of time to pick up at the customer service desk. Which I did out of convenience, but I can sort of see someone doing that with a purchase they don’t want to be seen in the checkout line with. 😉

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