people, get your shit together

When it’s thundering, people say ‘God is bowling.’ When it’s rainipigeonpoopng – ‘God is crying.’ So, what’s it called when it’s snowing or sleeting and all this white shit is getting blanketed all over us? Is it dandruff? Jizz? Is this how Mary got pregnant? What the hell is going on up there? A girl deserves to know if there’s a possibility she’s shuffling and wading through multiple inches of jizz.

As someone who grew up in upstate New York, then lived in northern Utah near the mountains of Park City (arguably some of the best skiing in the country,) it’s always interesting to see North Carolina’s response to winter threats. Truthfully, it scares me. Not the weather – the people of NC.  I’ve never seen weather turn a bunch of schmucks into unruly dicks so quick before. I went into the store for five minutes last night and everyone was in a panic. They were sweating, brash, and looked like they were suffering from some severe constipation. Ex-lax aisle 3. I mean, seriously… what the hell is going to happen when there’s something crazy like a zombie apocalypse?  A war on our soil? Get your shit together, NC. 

raleigh2014

Let’s not have another repeat from 2 years ago. Okay, Raleigh? 

In all seriousness – I hope y’all stay safe during this storm. I know some places have the potential for blizzard conditions. Stay home. Light a fire. Put on your adult-size onesie. Eat a bunch of chips. Get out your board games. That’s what I’m going to be doing. I wish there were winter storms every day. 

*As a disclaimer – I grew up in a very Catholic family. My mom taught CCD from our house, and my dad grew up as an alter boy who went to seminary school for a period of time. I don’t need a lesson in theology 🙂 It’s just humor. (No e-mails about how I’m going to hell, okay?)  And – I love NC, too. No hate.

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164 thoughts on “people, get your shit together

  1. HH says:

    You should see Birmingham AL when we get “light dusting.” At y’all have snow right now… Yesterday the banks closed early, school let out early and the bread and milk was OUT for flurries that didn’t even stick 🙂

  2. cookie1986 says:

    hahaha…We live in Manitoba…or Mani-snow-ba as we like to joke. My husband and I spent a good deal of time watching CNN and making fun of the poor people down there. We are so desensitized to blizzards and driving in those types of conditions that we would just watch a movie and sharpen our shovels…..after we got home from work.
    Hope everyone stays safe put there!

    • thisendoftheswamp says:

      When in Eastern Tennessee are you? The Squire’s sister lives in Newport and about has apoplexy when they get six inches. My dad used to have a church in Roxboro, and he said a quarter inch could close the schools! We live just north of Baltimore, and I have to admit this last storm – about 36 inches, depending upon where you live – did give us pause.

  3. chattykerry says:

    Oh honey chil’, you need to try Houston in an ice storm. It is the zombie apocalypse. We have a tiny bit of ice on the road but we aren’t geared up for it with tire quality or road salt. The airports stop because we have few de-icers and nobody can get to work anyway. I was watching the weather channel last night and thought, “Don’t we get snow storms EVERY winter?” Surely this isn’t ground-breaking news?

  4. Maryanne says:

    I love your posts, you’re so cute and hilarious ❤

    I'm also secretly relieved to hear that NC isn't as peaceful as people make it out to be. I was there a few years ago for a wedding and it was lovely but I can't see leaving New Jersey. Whenever I complain about NJ people being rude I have to hear from NC family that it's not like that in NC. Thanks for exposing us up north to the truth. Enjoy your snuggly snow day!! It's so pretty isn't it?!

  5. Eugene Knapik says:

    I worked with someone many years ago who explained to me that whenever lightning struck anywhere, it was God, ticked off, striking down some sinner with great vengeance. I asked what happened to the bodies, because with a good thunderstorm, there can be a lot of lightning and so a lot of potential carnage. She wasn’t amused.

  6. inspirationalgem says:

    Lmao! And I agree about the people acting like wild animals. It’s ridiculous! Pushing each other out of the way, ripping stuff off of shelves like they’ll never see food again! Lol We have a lot of snow here in Philadelphia today and a lot of places are closed and busses aren’t running. I love your idea of staying in all day in pj’s pigging out on junk food! I wish there were Winter storms everyday too! ;-D I hope you’re having a great day! 😀

  7. Dennis the Vizsla says:

    hello blair its dennis the vizsla dog hay wow that luks like it wuz kaos a fyoo yeerz bak i hope it duz not happin agin!!! peepul heer in kalifornya kant kope with wether eether fortchoonatly we rarely hav enny!!! but if we do now i no i shud stock up on oreos so thanks for that tip!!! ok bye

  8. thflg says:

    Love that cartoon! After growing up in northern Iowa I look at photos of the “Blizzard of ’16” that crippled Washington DC and think geez, our bus drivers wouldn’t even sober up for that. It’s a shame people are getting hurt and killed because they have no experience dealing with it.

  9. laceduplutheran says:

    So true. I’m also from western NY, so the snow is no big deal. Last year we were disappointed when we lived in Finland. We got very little snow. We wanted more, and so did the Finns. They actually know how to appreciate it and use it (they love winter sports). But really – I remember when I worked in DC. I worked for a northern Congressman. Anytime there was a storm, or any weather for that matter, the whole city acts like it’s the end of the world. As the Southerners went home in the midst of the storm and got into wrecks and had a huge amount of stress, etc, we’d have a staff meeting (meaning, someone would go get a case a beer and we’d sit in the office, shoot the breeze, then go out to dinner, waving to the people in the ditches)

      • laceduplutheran says:

        They have to quick go get eggs, milk and diapers (even if they have no children). They might starve without these items. I mean seriously, the snow could keep them stuck inside for like 4-6 hours. Don’t mess with people who are hangry.

      • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

        Oh, the hangry are to be feared. Our news casters were talking about the people here having ‘cabin fever’ after being stuck inside for one day. One day. Anyone who ventures out onto icy roads because they can’t relax for two days is crazy.

  10. reesertshadow says:

    I hate snow days, because when it’s not safe to go out and the recommendation is that people stay at home and only go out in emergencies, what do they do instead? Come to my theatre. -___-

  11. Ann Coleman says:

    Shortly after I was married, we had a huge snow storm that dumped about 18 inches of snow. The day after it hit, my husband and I walked to the corner store to get some groceries. The shelves were almost bare! It was crazy…… Now I just keep my freezer stocked, so I still don’t have to join the pre-storm shopping frenzy, but still have food to eat if a snow storm hits.

  12. Mary Strong-Spaid says:

    Hahaha…I went to St. Mary’s Catholic school. I was always living with the threat of eternal damnation. Is it better to stay in bed and never get up, so you never accidentally say or do something wrong?
    It’s snowing here today. Supposed to change to an icy rain soon. Sigh.

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