anyone up for a break-in?

Fun Fact: There are over 200 feral cats that live in Disneyland. They are fed, fixed, and cared for by Disney staff. The cats come around at night after the crowds are gone, and used to control the mice population. Watch out Mickey, you little shit. There’s a claw coming your way.

aristocats

Anyone else think Disney at night would be fun as hell? A theme park full of 200 cats. Much better than the typical loud, poop-scented, temper-tantrum-throwing crowd you usually have to put up with. This is my idea of the happiest place on earth. Rock on, Disney. Pussy lovers unite!

torakitty (Tora-kitten is now a die-hard Disney fan)

cops, dildos, and guest posters. oh my

Sometimes it’s nice to have a friend that’s a cop so you can ask them burning questions like: ‘would you take diarrhea as an excuse for speeding home?‘ I don’t know any cops in real life – I think they can sense the crazy and steer clear of me until they get the phone call that forces them to my doorstep. Because they know it’s coming someday. Lucky for me, I found a cop-friend here in blogland.(And yes, I asked him about the diarrhea & speeding question.) He runs a humor blog that chronicles the random and crazy shit that goes on during his shift. It’s like watching the crazies on the show Cops, but reading it instead. It’s hilarious and semi-alarming (because people are so dumb.) But… don’t laugh at people’s idiocy, guys. That would be wrong. So very wrong. (Says the chick that loves laughing at idiots)

So, without further ado –  here’s a post from my hilarious cop-friend, Badge415, about a fellow officer’s run in with a used dildo:


 

“One night I pulled up to a traffic collision scene in which a vehicle had collided into a wall. The suspect vehicle was an SUV and its rear door was open. I walked up to the vehicle and saw an officer frantically rubbing his hands with an alcohol wipe. In fact, he was rubbing his hands so fast I thought the friction was going to start a fire.

hammer-pic

He had a worried look on his face as he said, “Do you have any hand sanitizer.”

“No. Why?”

He then walked over to the suspect vehicle and showed me something that looked like a pink hammer. As I got closer, I saw it was a sex toy.

“What the heck is that?” I asked.

He said, “I was patting him down and I pulled that out of his pocket. The guy told me he used that on his girlfriend tonight.”

The officer wasn’t wearing gloves at the time and I busted up laughing. I laughed so loud someone would’ve wondered what was wrong with me. The poor officer didn’t think it was that funny though. He actually had a traumatized look on his face and I couldn’t blame him. I then took my phone out and snapped a picture of the thing.

Of course, the story was told over and over again after that. Everyone had the same look of shock and disgust when they saw the picture and heard the story.

download-1

A few days later, I was in Target when I saw this curling iron on one of the main aisles. I instantly thought of the cop when I saw it. I sent him a picture hoping he would think it was as funny as I did. Luckily he was cool about it.

This was just one of those stories that had to be told.”

Make sure you visit him. He has some great stories on his blog


 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about having guest posters here once in awhile. I don’t have the mental capacity to post every day (seriously, how do y’all do it? I can sit down after 2 days of not posting, and still draw a blank.) So, I thought it would be cool to share some funny stories from other people. Maybe you have a blog you don’t want to write inappropriate stories on, or it would be too off topic, or… you just want to share something hilarious with the kickass readers here. Well… I enjoy a good sex, poop, any embarrassing or funny personal story in general. I don’t run a classy joint, contrary to popular belief. Okay, I’m pretty sure nobody believes that. 

(I’ve never done this before, and I’m feeling very much like the new-kid. Are there protocols? Common courtesies? Secrets I should know about? Help a girl out.) If you have a story you want to share, you can email me @ theshamefulsheep@gmail.com

 

 

you sexy beast, you

You know the feeling you get when you make a new change to your appearance? It may be something small like a new haircut but, holy crap… you walk out of that salon like you are owning a runway. Work it. You’re a whole new person regardless of the dirty, oily, slicked down hair you tried to hide when you ran inside just an hour earlier. It’s all a distant memory. You don’t even know who that person was, but it sure as hell wasn’t youjoggingdog

I’m like that with running clothes. For some reason, when I pull on new clothes and head out, I feel legit. I’m no longer a 5k racer drawing attention because I’m making an awkward and squinty duck face due to sweat dripping into my eyes and not being able to breathe. People are staring at me and whispering because I’m a pro. They are so impressed they can’t look away. I can win marathons, triathlons, shit… maybe I could take on Usain Bolt in the next Olympics. The clothes make me confident, motivated, and when I put them on I’m convinced I look like I’ve lost 10 pounds. Who doesn’t want to look 10 pounds lighter? Viva la compression pants.

Or, maybe you actually have lost 10 pounds before. The first time you walk by a mirror and catch a glimpse of yourself at a new angle is like meeting a stranger. You stop. Lift your shirt up to see a little better. Suck in. Flex your arms. Twist around to see your glutes. Well, hello you sexy bitch. Should you try to find a modeling agency? Make a foray into porn? You know you would be successful at either because your confidence is renewed and you’re ready to share your gift with the world. You sexy beast, you.

Happiness and confidence… they are just a state of mind, people. Own it and get on with your bad self.

(PS- I’m not ashamed to admit I’m the lunatic in all of these examples)

 

i don’t want to talk to you today

Ever have moments where you wish you were young again? Not because Monster High kicks ass, responsibility blows, and as an adult you are all too aware of all the shitty things happening in the news. You just need a day to get away. A day of silence. Just one day to do nothing that actually matters, only mind-numbing tasks that make life a little happier and easier to get through. (Is that too much to ask?)

I mean, let’s face it… life is consuming. Work, bills, your spouse, kids – they are all bricks getting stacked on top of you and you’re starting to get crushed. The stress makes it hard to breathe. You’ve lost yourself to responsibility. Seriously, when was the last day you spent treating and taking care of yourself?

stresspicture

So… I decided I’m setting aside a day this week to spend by myself. A solo trip to the movies. Wandering around the mall aimlessly and buying something I want and don’t need. I’m going to order way too much Chinese food, then bring it home and eat it on the couch while I watch five hours of Downton Abbey in one night. I’m going to go to bed whenever the hell I want, and wake up whenever the hell I want.

There’s so much emphasis on physical health with these New Year’s resolutions. What about taking care of your mental state? Time to reboot and recharge, guys. Y’all should do it, too.

(I think this is my first non-humor post. I debated not posting it. But, let’s be real — I’m not always a clown. I have my serious moments and struggles, too)

 

that’s not weird or anything

Over Christmas, I stood in the middle of a dirty and crowded Wal-Mart aisle for twenty minutes considering whether or not to buy a toy moped that matched the cat-like Monster High dolls my 9-year-old niece has. I mean, this thing was pretty damn awesome – you could decorate it with stickers, the black ‘paint’ was super shiny with zebra stripes, and I knew her dolls would look really awesome zooming around on it in their cute dresses and their perfectly high-lighted hair flying behind them. She’d love it. No doubt. I knew this would make her Christmas. Until Alex pointed out that it wasn’t what she asked for.

monsterhighscooter

I honestly felt a little bit disappointed. I looked forward to her opening it, then asking me to play with her. Then, I realized there’s a 98% chance I’m teetering on the brink of insanity because I thought it was so cool I considered buying the damn dolls and their matching moped for myself.  Nobody would know, right? Alex wouldn’t tell my secret. A 29-year-old married woman starting her own Monster High collection… that’s not too weird or anything. (Except…it is 100% weird as hell and someone should have busted into that Wal-Mart and bitch slapped me across  the face two times. Once for thinking of buying it. Twice for going into Wal-Mart in the first place.)

The truth is – I don’t think I’ll ever grow up. I still zip my high-heel boots up over my hidden Batman socks. I prefer seeing an animated family movie over any other genre.  Feeding the ducks and making a stuffed animal at Build-A-Bear seems like a great afternoon. A game of Clue and hot chocolate tops off the perfect night. I don’t know how I ended up so weird.

Which leads me to a… Fun Fact: People with awkward and weird personalities tend to make the best friends. 

So… anyone want to come play a rousing game of Clue with me while Finding Nemo plays in the background? Bonus – I even have some peppermint hot chocolate leftover from Christmas to share.

a storm is brewing

This post is going to get a little sticky, folks. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t enjoy a vivid bodily-function-story, you may want to skip this one. For everyone else: strap yourselves in and keep your eyes on the road. It’s about to get all taboo up in here.(You’ve been warned)  Let’s jump right in. 

Have you ever been out somewhere and had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom? Now, I’m not talking about drinking too much of your beloved Starbucks vanilla latte and taking a stroll over to the ladies room to pee. I’m talking about standing in the middle of the grocery store and getting a sharp pain that alerts you that a storms-a-brewin’. You’re forced to abandon your shopping cart and propel into a sprint past the front registers.  Don’t worry about all the customers and employees thinking you are crazy, there is just one goal: Get. To. The. Car. You can make it home, right? It’s only five minutes.

familypooper

You’ve driven this route a million times. You’re 100% sure you’re going to make it. Your seat heater is cranked. Your music is pumping. There’s no doubt you’ll be able to make it home and enjoy the privacy of your own bathroom. Hallelujah. Then it hits you again, and this time it’s harder. Your toes curl, you begin to sweat profusely, and everyone else driving on the road has turned into a ‘motherfucker who won’t get the hell out of the way.’ 

Creepy & curious minds (mine) want to know: how do you handle this situation?

PS – Be careful when adding more broccoli to your diet.

 

what a charity case

I couldn’t successfully complete a resolution if my life depended on it. Needless to say – I didn’t bother making any this year. I’ve tried the weight loss ones, but pizza always wins. I’ve tried giving up alcohol but, let’s be honest here… I’d do some pretty embarrassing things just for a glass of wine. So, I decided it would be easiest to just expand on something I already successfully do. (Then I won’t feel like an ass when I don’t completely fail at a new goal.)

With that being said, I added a new page to my blog. I told a few people this would be completed in December, but the holidays had me pretty damn side-tracked so I’m a bit late on that. Sorry, folks. I’ve been in a cheesecake-induced coma. Some of you know I crochet and sell cat toys to help raise money for the SPCA. (If you didn’t know – now you do! Ha) After a bunch of people contacted me about them online, I thought I’d take it to the internet to try and raise money as well. (Why not, right?) On top of doing cat toys for the SPCA, I’m also crocheting baby blankets & stuffed toys to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. A few cat toys and blankets are on my new Etsy site already, but I will definitely be adding more as I complete them. Keep an eye out 🙂

Here are some catnip Valentine’s Day puffy hearts:

valentinesday (2)

I hope everyone’s New Years started off on the right foot. Did you make resolutions? Have you ever actually completed one? Good luck, y’all.

yellowbunny

 

 

there’s a whole lot of crazy going on

Today is Alex and my wedding anniversary. Can we give him a round of applause, please? Dealing with me on a daily basis is a whole roller-coaster of crazy. And not a fun one where you scream, throw your hands in the air, and make a plan with your friends to give a big thumbs-up and a cheesy grin to the camera as you zoom by on the rails. Keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times, folks, or you might lose one. 

toystoryhug

Even though I’m a bit crazy, our marriage is quite the opposite. We have an easy, respectful and loving relationship, and I couldn’t possibly be more grateful. I thought it would be fun to share a poem I wrote for Alex this year. Now, let me forewarn you: an 8-year-old has better poetry skills than I do. (I probably haven’t written one since then, anyway) This poem was meant to be a silly joke, and that’s all.

“Oh Alex, I really love you
And the way that you love me
Your butt, your smile, your sense of humor,
Jesus, you make me so crazy.

You’re sexy when you’re cleaning
Take charge of that litter box!
Hurry up, now. I can’t stand it
Strip down into your socks!

Thank you for accepting me,
Farts, hairiness, and all
Even when I shed like crazy,
And leave it on the shower wall

I’ll love you ’til you’re old and wrinkly,
I’m honored to be your wife
You’re stuck with me forever, babe
I’m yo bitch fo’ life”

I know, I know. I won’t quit my day job.