nobody poops sunshine and rainbows

Well, everyone is crap-their-pants-excited over having an extra day this year, but the universe is punishing me with the worst headache I’ve ever experienced. Granted, it could always be worse. I could have been the woman at the grocery store this morning puking up her scrambled eggs on top of the avocado display. No! Not the avocados! Anything but the avocados! (I know y’all are thinking it. I sure as hell was.) Or I could have been the guy in my friend’s office who sharted at an important business meeting last week and had to waddle out clutching his ass cheeks so nothing escaped through the bottom of his pant leg. A headache? That’s all you’ve got? No problem. Bring it on, universe. You miserable bitch.

stepbrothers

I keep hearing that people feel the need to be productive today. Even Facebook told me to “Enjoy your extra day. Use it wisely.” Well, I took its advice and slept. All fucking day. Let’s be real – if you are an adult sleeping all day is the only way to truly enjoy it. Between naps, I did the wisest possible thing and deleted my account. Thanks, Facebook. Good idea.

I’m so damn tired of reading about people’s perfect lives and their gifted kids who poop sunshine and rainbows. Gone are the days of being forced to see posts bragging of new cars, jobs, vacations, and every goddamn time they check into the gym. Nobody cares about the perfectly grilled steak laying on a bed of vegetables and bullshit you got at fancy restaurant for dinner. What the fuck are y’all trying to prove? And to who? Nobody’s life is as perfect as they portray on social media. No one’s. 

So, I’ll just be sitting here Facebook-less on my own island. Driving my 5-year-old car to anywhere but the gym. Taking my vacation an hour away by car because I’m too cheap/afraid to fly. Yeah, I’m not anywhere close to perfect and neither is my life. And I’m okay with that. 

 

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144 thoughts on “nobody poops sunshine and rainbows

  1. hotmessmemoir says:

    Ahhh….I hate “perfect posts”. I seriously want to shit on it. Like when they post pictures of their new car I respond with, “I just hope my car starts.” What drives me absolutely ape shut (and I may even blog about it) is when someone is fishing for putty or a compliment. Like when they say “I’m crying right now….” and you know they are dying for someone to take the bait.

  2. Otakraft says:

    For me it’s not FB I need to consider deleting, but tumblr. It can be an obnoxious cesspool of humanity. As for the extra day, I worked because it was a freaking Monday and it’s not an “extra” day, it’s just a day. An extra day that matters is one more day that you wouldn’t have had otherwise in your life. I’m 30, I had that day coming to me. When I’m 88 and waddling around trying not to shit myself I might get excited about waking up then.

  3. hazelhillboro says:

    One of my friends this weekend said, “Your life seems so perfect…” And I actually freaked out and said, “Wait, am I really coming off that way on social media? Because I HATE THOSE PEOPLE!” Since, you know, if life had a thermometer, I would definitely be closer to “fucking mess” than “perfect,” and I hate people who paint such a false picture of their lives. Ugh.

    That’s one of the reasons I love YOU!! Your blog is so real. I love that you slept on your leap day. I love that your vacation is less than an hour away. You, my friend, are the face of REAL PEOPLE. That’s why you’re fabulous.

  4. Lady Dickson says:

    Ugh Facebook is the worst. I wish I could delete it but then I would have to save all my photos and shit and that sounds like work. I’ll just ignore all the babies. Because seriously, so many babies doing shit I don’t care about. Nor does anyone else, except like, their grandmas.

  5. momtheobscure says:

    Wait – there was an extra day? I must have missed it.

    Thank you for being you. It’s not just the pooping rainbows that gets me. I mean I’d post pics of my new car – if I ever got one. Hell, I’d even take a 5 year old car, that’d be trading up. It’s those so-called friends who comment on my posts with all their sunshine and rainbow crap and try to convince me I need to change my cynical, trash-talking, opinionated ways. I thought of deleting fb, but it’s keeps me connected to friends and family far and wide. But lately, I’ve been posting totally snide, tongue-in-cheek updates just to rile certain people up. If they don’t like what I have to say why are they following my page damn it?

    Also, I don’t think there’s anything worse than a major headache. I get them. Totally screws up the day(s), life, everything.

  6. spartacus2030 says:

    I get my exercise in just walking to the gym, reading their posters, and walking back; saves me a whole lot of money! I don’t believe in stationary bikes either. I believe in bikes that move! Why should I pay for dumb-bells when i can lift the wife? I did poop once on a flat wooden swing. You could hear the fart for miles, and centrifical motion was flinging my poop all over the place! I was young then… Only 35… 🙂

  7. Dennis the Vizsla says:

    hello blair its dennis the vizsla dog hay this may be troo abowt the sunshine and rainbows but my dada always yoozed to say my brother tucker farted rose petals and pooped gumdrops do yoo think that cud posibly be troo??? ok bye

  8. pixieannie says:

    You mean to tell me that you’re not Miss Perfect Pants? Damn girl. Only kidding. Gotta love that word…shart…poor man, how terribly unfortunate. Welcome to my world…Facebook free for a year or so now and have no plans to ever return. I’m sure it works for some and that’s ok but it’s not for me and never will be.

    As for the headache crap, I’ve mostly been in bed since Saturday afternoon with a mixture of migraines and infected sinuses. I did manage to hang with my head over the side of the bed after 10 minutes of squirting saline water up each nostril and feeling like I’d swallowed half of a swimming pool…gagged a lot…swore even more than a lot and then almost fainted from the effort. That’s how I like to spend my not perfect weekend.

    Scrambled egg vomit on avocados. I prefer mine with bacon, just saying.

    By the way, you rock.

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