Well, everyone is crap-their-pants-excited over having an extra day this year, but the universe is punishing me with the worst headache I’ve ever experienced. Granted, it could always be worse. I could have been the woman at the grocery store this morning puking up her scrambled eggs on top of the avocado display. No! Not the avocados! Anything but the avocados! (I know y’all are thinking it. I sure as hell was.) Or I could have been the guy in my friend’s office who sharted at an important business meeting last week and had to waddle out clutching his ass cheeks so nothing escaped through the bottom of his pant leg. A headache? That’s all you’ve got? No problem. Bring it on, universe. You miserable bitch.
I keep hearing that people feel the need to be productive today. Even Facebook told me to “Enjoy your extra day. Use it wisely.” Well, I took its advice and slept. All fucking day. Let’s be real – if you are an adult sleeping all day is the only way to truly enjoy it. Between naps, I did the wisest possible thing and deleted my account. Thanks, Facebook. Good idea.
I’m so damn tired of reading about people’s perfect lives and their gifted kids who poop sunshine and rainbows. Gone are the days of being forced to see posts bragging of new cars, jobs, vacations, and every goddamn time they check into the gym. Nobody cares about the perfectly grilled steak laying on a bed of vegetables and bullshit you got at fancy restaurant for dinner. What the fuck are y’all trying to prove? And to who? Nobody’s life is as perfect as they portray on social media. No one’s.
So, I’ll just be sitting here Facebook-less on my own island. Driving my 5-year-old car to anywhere but the gym. Taking my vacation an hour away by car because I’m too cheap/afraid to fly. Yeah, I’m not anywhere close to perfect and neither is my life. And I’m okay with that.
144 thoughts on “nobody poops sunshine and rainbows”
Yes, somebody finally said it! THANK YOU. The only reason I still have Facebook is to advertise my blog. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother with it. Few things make you feel more inadequate than social media. Blah to the lot of it. Enjoy your nap and cheap vacations, I say!
Thanks 😀 I have a Facebook for my blog still, just not a personal one. I never got around to advertising my blog on my personal one. I thought it might bring shame to my family. Ha! It really does make you feel inadequate. Sad
If you eat a LOT of Skittles, can you shit the rainbow? I guess a really wicked hemorrhoid could feel like you are excreting the sun.
No…but you will BARF the rainbow. Not quite the same, but….
I didn’t take that into consideration. Skittles will definitely give you rainbow shits. Everyone must be pumping their kids with skittles !
The key to Facebook, as i n choosing any friends is, choose beneath you. All my Facebook friends are alcoholics, womanizers, stoners, and Trump supporters. A daily reminder of how fucking cool I am…
Lmao that’s a good idea. Gotta learn to aim lower. Very wise
A Hillary fan? Now it is a poop thread! 🙂
well crap. I was going to tag you in the picture of my kids sunshine-rainbow poop today 😉
If it’s legit rainbow poop, I’d love to be included. Because that’s impressive as hell 😀
You inspire me.
Woo! I’m not sure in which way. But it’s still a win lol
Hope you took a photo of the scrambled eggs dripping down the avocados and posted it all over Instagram, tumblr and Twitter. It must have been spectacular.
I was too busy running away screaming. Those poor avocados
Facebook is the worst! Idk though,… I fed my kid sweet potatoes and green beans on the same day, and I’m pretty sure he pooped a rainbow. Ain’t nobody wantin a picture of it though. *shudders*
Haha. Well, that’s pretty damn impressive to if the poop was legit rainbow colored. Your kid deserves some props for that!
I guess I have some character flaws. I actually like the fact that FB makes people think I have a really cool life and lots of friends. Pathetic, I Know. Love your post!
Thank you 🙂 I don’t think it’s pathetic. I’m sure a lot of people feel like that!
Oh yes. I got tired of everyone’s fb bs back in November just after I got all my fake “Happy Birthdays!” And I swear to you, people I used to be friends with on fb have walked across the mall to approach me saying “I see you got rid of me on fb.” When I say “No I just deleted my fb, I just got tired of everyone’s fake bs”, they look at me in disbelief as if I am trying to pull one over on them. They are truly offended and act as if I have left the cult and Jim Jones is on my heels with the Kool-Aid I apparently did not drink. *Sigh*, I guess I did in fact, leave the cult.
Oh god, that fake birthday shit. I had turned my birthday to private years ago to avoid that. It used to drive me up the wall. I’m glad we got free of the cult. Crazy ass people lol
Amen. Oh… and the lol’s good grief. People began everything with an LOL. “Lol, my mother died. Lol.” Yep I’m so done with fb. WordPress is all the social media I need.
Haha! This post cracks me up. Thanks 😊
I sometimes think I should get rid of Facebook, but I’m too darn popular over there. I’ve gotta take it where I can get it. It’s also the source of the majority of the clicks on my sad little blog. I wish I had slept all day. I’m at work until 9pm. You are obviously smarter than me.
Haha thrive where you can! I never posted on mine, so it wasn’t such a big deal. If I shared my posts to my private Facebook I probably would have stayed. No one knows I blog 🙂 Sorry you had to work so late. At least you’ve been productive!
I feel like we should be friends in real life.
Based off the posts I’ve read of yours, I’ve thought the same. I enjoy your blunt ‘fuck you’ style of writing lol
My life is that perfect. My kids really do think I shit rainbows. I am their unicorn, or so they say. Funny thing is, I’m probably the only one who thinks so. Most other people would look at my life and be like, “Damn, dude, that’s it?”
And I’d say, “Yep”… and laugh all the way to the bank. My life rocks because I say it does. 😉
Well, it’s good to think your life is great and be happy with it. Damn, everyone should strive for that. But shoving it incessantly in people’s faces is daunting. Especially when a majority of it is fake and people do it solely for show. I’ve heard of kids thinking their dads were their heroes. But a unicorn? That’s pretty badass haha
Heck, try living up to that! Seriously though, I know exactly what you’re saying and you’re absolutely right.
It’s your life, so you should own it. Good for you!
I got rid of facebook five years ago.
My life is pretty awesome without it. 🙂
I’m sad I didn’t follow your lead earlier 🙂 I imagine it will be much more peaceful lol
I haven’t deleted FB but I’ve cut WAAAAAAY back. It took more than a month for anyone to miss me….but that’s OK, there’s so much traffic over there, you can’t be offended not being missed.
I doubt anyone will notice I’m gone lol. Maybe my sister? I have no friends hahah
Kids poop the nastiest rainbows when they eat artificial colors
I still love my FB. I have a small list.
I believe people care about my yummy food pics. At least, the other foodies do 😉
Good job on the sleeping! I want to sleep all day. Maybe Wednesday. Maybe Thursday. I dunno. My life is not my own, lol!
Sometimes I like the pictures. Mmmm food. Hopefully you can sleep the day away soon 😀
Go to HELL, Facebook Of Lies and Deceit!!!!
Nothing wrong with being perfectly imperfect.
Very true 🙂
FaceCrack sucks balls.
I only keep my Facebook so I can play Buzz-feed games and pretend my IQ is genius level and that my soul mate is really Dave Grohl. Otherwise, I mostly screw around and leave sarcastic comments on everyone’s shiny posts!
Okay, well you’re the type of Facebook friend I’d actually want!
😃 because we’re both weirdos!
Oh Blair, you weren’t alone yesterday. I too did bugger all next-to-nothing and couldn’t give a crap that my day was less than productive. 🙂 Happy March to you.
Thanks 🙂 You too! It’s nice not always having to be productive.
Yeah, me too! Fuck keeping up with the Joneses. Did that done that and so over it! My truck is from 2002 but it has a snorkel so everyone loves it since they don’t have one. I do, sometimes, like a fancy restaurant ,though. I call that a guilty pleasure. OR I have also indulged in a ridiculously expensive haircut by a large, gay Cuban man named Andre. Definitely worth the money for once or twice in a whole lifetime. I totally agree that everyone seems to live the most awesome lives on social media but at the same time, there’s a lot of subjects the population can’t seem to handle. Such as bad luck, suicide, negativity, abuse, etc. Hence, people shy away from talking about that shit. There is a big difference between being positive and lying to yourself. Are you really being a positive person or are you trying to convince your own self that you are positive? There’s a fine line. Sunshine and rainbows are fine until they blow up in your face and you are blinded by the stink!
Nailed it. Hey, I do some of that stuff too. I enjoy fancy food as much as the next person. I just don’t like the constant bragging and “look at me!” culture going on. Your car has a snorkel? Like… one you swim with? Or am I confused haha
Yeah, the me, me, me, I got this, I got that, look at me, look at me. It gets old fast! LOL! Yeah, the truck has a snorkel in case we have to go thru deep water but I subscribe to, “Turn Around Don’t Drown”. The Snorkel is plan B. 🙂
That’s pretty awesome haha. But yeah… turning around seems smarter. Hopefully you never be forced to use the snorkel 🙂
There was an extra day? I hope I wasted it just as well as I waste every other day! :p
I’m think you might’ve 🙂
Kickass. We are sitting on the sofa after gorging on takeout Thai and now we’re going to watch The Bachelor (we do it after watching Jeopardy though, so it evens out intellectually). Yay for laying around on a shitty winter’s day!
Good way to balance haha. You don’t want to lose too many brain cells
I was with you on the extra day. I was mad because I had to do 24 hours more of work, and I’m just not cool with that.
Yeah that sucks ass. It should have been an extra day off work.
Yep we should have been able to skip it. It was a totally skippable day.
My Dad is a leap year baby, so he gets to enjoy being younger than his kids for a day.. If it wasn’t because of his 4yr BD, it’d just be another day to me 😕
I have a virgin FB page.. Zero friends and I haven’t posted on it.. I just have it for sites that require a sign in to comment 😂
Having a your birthday on Leap Day is actually pretty awesome. I have to admit lol. You’re using Facebook the right way 😀
Sorry you had a headache. Hope you’re feeling better now.
I am 🙂 Thank you
Rock on. Live your life like YOU want to live, not how others tell you to.
I had to work today, single weirdest (in a bad way) day in over 8 years at that company, I’m glad this only happens once every 4 years.
That’s strange. The weirdest day on Leap Day? It should have been an extra day off work lol.
I wish lol
I used my extra day for sleeping! Mostly. And seeing a friend, which is exciting. I almost never do that…
Yeah for sleeping! And friends are cool, too 🙂
Eat glitter, shit the Milky Way.
Fantastic post, it made my morning. You rock.
Thanks 🙂 Have a good day!
So when I check into the gym in 15 minutes I shouldn’t send you a friend request?
Nah, I’m good 😉 lol
That’s why I spend more time reading blogs than scrolling through FB. People just seem more open and honest here, and it’s a lot more amusing.
As for Feb 29, it was just another day for me. I think I did well to avoid all those “news” stories about all the special things that happened on the “extra” day of the year
I do the same. I like people’s blogs because they aren’t as reserved as they are on Facebook. Probably because they aren’t friends with everyone and their grandma on here lol
I deleted Facebook a couple of years ago. That’s right. No one’s life is that perfect.
Hope you’re feeling better. 🙂
Thank you 🙂 I am!
Ha ha! Great post! 😀
Personally, I like to keep Facebook grounded by:
1. Forgoing Inspirational quotes for slightly desperational ones.
2. Only posting really CRAP photos of myself.
(You know, the ones with the chin hairs un-tweezed
3. Never letting an opportunity to slag off my hapless husband slide.
4. Calling my kids f#**ing little monsters, when they are actually very attractive and quite well-behaved!
(Just to boost the morale of the other parents, ya know?!)
5. Moaning, whinging, talking about naps, and alcohol, a LOT.
Yep, I’m keeping it real in your absence!
No thanks needed! 😉
You sound like the perfect friend to have on Facebook haha. Especially if you are blessing the world with terrible photos of yourself. Gotta give you props for that.
Well, you woke up after a day’s sleep full of piss and vinegar! Well done. I must give serious thought to deleting my Facebook. IT is certainly a huge waste of time. Thanks for the food for thought.
I’m always full of piss and vinegar really lol. I’m a hot mess that can’t be stopped. 😉
Blair, those folks who poop sunshine and rainbows will leave the same odor as everyone else. Always remember, each of us are comparing our known imperfect world to a spit polished, Sunday dressed Facebook version of someone’s life. Each of us is the proverbial duck on water, looking calm above, but paddling like hell below. By the way, I am too cheap to fly as well. Keith
You’re right. I love your duck metaphor. I’ve never heard that one before. It’s spot on!
Oh yeah, perfection is highly overrated, so is sanity. I think that great philosopher Ziggy said that once. Words to live by, others must deal with it.
I like it !
As a salaried employee…I didn’t get paid for an extra day of work this year. I think leap year is a corporate conspiracy 😉
Unfair! I would demand an extra vacation day lol
I just shot coffee out of my nose. Thanks for the morning gigglefest.:)
I’m fortunate, since I didn’t soil my boxers yesterday! I do wish that I could have stayed home, and I would have gladly slept in – sounds like wonderful advice to me.
At least you didn’t shit yourself. That would have been one crappy extra day
You’re right! That wouldn’t have been good. 😀
1. Going to the produce section will never be the same after reading this post. I’ll be wondering if anyone ever threw up there. 2. I feel for the guy holding it in because after having kids, I leak whenever sneezing, coughing, or moving suddenly.
Laughing out loud because THIS IS SO TRUE. I love the truth that blogging brings out. Just love it. Thanks, All. 🙂
Just make sure you are washing your veggies before eating lol. I felt terrible for y’all. Bathroom emergencies are never fun to deal with.
Those avocadoes – which supermarket?
Haha it was in a Kroger in Raleigh. You’re probably safe! Make sure you’re washing your produce though 🙂
🙂 I am VERY safe – my avocadoes drop off a tree in the corner of my garden not too many metres away from my front door, and if that tree is on the blink then I drive up a few kilometres to the farm…but I will be on the lookout for green-faced women climbing the trees early in the mornings
Damnit. We grow a lot of tobacco here. Wanna trade? Seems fair right? Lol. Really though, I’d love to live in a place where I could grow my own! Mmm
I haven’t had facebook for almost 3 years now. Best decision ever! Also you are not alone. I spent the whole day in bed and attempting to watch an entire series of 31 episodes. I obviously did not succeed due to time constraints but I did get through most lol. A very productive leap day. 😛
That’s my kind of day! Sounds perfect haha
Extra day…FUCKING CHAOS…Got a ticket, ran late all day, stubbed my toe, colostomy bag wasn’t attached after change, was dripping down the front of me leg, and pooping pants is hilarious unless it happens to you, as in Crohns, but poo is still funny.
So let’s just cancel the lil fucker anyway, it doesn’t matter I promise we won’t miss it!
Holy Jesus. Your day sucked. This is why we shouldn’t be “gifted” an extra day every four years. Sorry! Ugh
Those poor, poor avocados. I guess the egg vomit on top of ’em made it some horrific breakfast omelette…but I’d have to pass on that dish.
“Between naps, I did the wisest possible thing and deleted my account. Thanks, Facebook. Good idea.” That was damn funny. But Bravo. I haven’t signed into my account in years, and I don’t regret that at all. You definitely got it right that people only post their highlights…and often times, those posts are ridiculously embellished.
Definitely the highlight reel! Facebook people are crazy. Those poor avocados. I forgot about how good omelettes are with avocado until I read your post. I’m a little scarred. Ugh lol
Oops, hope I didn’t ruin omelettes for you now. I felt it was humorous enough, but guess I should’ve scaled that description back. lol
Nah… I enjoyed it haha
I think you must have run in fancier Facebook circles than I did. When I quit it was because they were all boring as dry toast and I couldn’t waste another freaking minute waiting for one of them to say something interesting. Now I think I must have been doing it wrong.
The people on my friends list were pretty boring too. Unless you like constantly reading about gym workouts and motivational quotes. Want my password so you can reactivate and take it over? 🙂
Only if we can pretend you/I just got back from a 14 hour stint at the airport as a Hare Krishna. I think you’d look good in orange. Just kidding – I don’t have time to talk about my own fake life; adding your fake life would be just too many fiery balls in the air.
Haha. I like where you’re going with it though
Yeah, true, but if people weren’t so annoying where would we get our satirical targets from?
Touché. Idiots need love too. 🙂
Yeah, that’s right, we do! 😉
Fck facebook! Who the HELL needs an extra Monday in a year?!? But you did make me feel bad about my new car – which I feel guilty and undeserving of about anyway.
They should have made it a holiday so everyone had off! Don’t feel bad about your car. I’m happy for people when they get new things. It’s the incessant shoving it in other people’s faces that isn’t cool. Plus, I like you. You deserve your car! End of story 🙂