nobody poops sunshine and rainbows

Well, everyone is crap-their-pants-excited over having an extra day this year, but the universe is punishing me with the worst headache I’ve ever experienced. Granted, it could always be worse. I could have been the woman at the grocery store this morning puking up her scrambled eggs on top of the avocado display. No! Not the avocados! Anything but the avocados! (I know y’all are thinking it. I sure as hell was.) Or I could have been the guy in my friend’s office who sharted at an important business meeting last week and had to waddle out clutching his ass cheeks so nothing escaped through the bottom of his pant leg. A headache? That’s all you’ve got? No problem. Bring it on, universe. You miserable bitch.


I keep hearing that people feel the need to be productive today. Even Facebook told me to “Enjoy your extra day. Use it wisely.” Well, I took its advice and slept. All fucking day. Let’s be real – if you are an adult sleeping all day is the only way to truly enjoy it. Between naps, I did the wisest possible thing and deleted my account. Thanks, Facebook. Good idea.

I’m so damn tired of reading about people’s perfect lives and their gifted kids who poop sunshine and rainbows. Gone are the days of being forced to see posts bragging of new cars, jobs, vacations, and every goddamn time they check into the gym. Nobody cares about the perfectly grilled steak laying on a bed of vegetables and bullshit you got at fancy restaurant for dinner. What the fuck are y’all trying to prove? And to who? Nobody’s life is as perfect as they portray on social media. No one’s. 

So, I’ll just be sitting here Facebook-less on my own island. Driving my 5-year-old car to anywhere but the gym. Taking my vacation an hour away by car because I’m too cheap/afraid to fly. Yeah, I’m not anywhere close to perfect and neither is my life. And I’m okay with that. 


144 thoughts on “nobody poops sunshine and rainbows

  1. Tony Single says:

    Yes, somebody finally said it! THANK YOU. The only reason I still have Facebook is to advertise my blog. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother with it. Few things make you feel more inadequate than social media. Blah to the lot of it. Enjoy your nap and cheap vacations, I say!

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      Thanks 😀 I have a Facebook for my blog still, just not a personal one. I never got around to advertising my blog on my personal one. I thought it might bring shame to my family. Ha! It really does make you feel inadequate. Sad

  2. Roy Cohen says:

    The key to Facebook, as i n choosing any friends is, choose beneath you. All my Facebook friends are alcoholics, womanizers, stoners, and Trump supporters. A daily reminder of how fucking cool I am…

  3. Kooky Chic says:

    Hope you took a photo of the scrambled eggs dripping down the avocados and posted it all over Instagram, tumblr and Twitter. It must have been spectacular.

  4. Eden says:

    Facebook is the worst! Idk though,… I fed my kid sweet potatoes and green beans on the same day, and I’m pretty sure he pooped a rainbow. Ain’t nobody wantin a picture of it though. *shudders*

  5. mjchatters says:

    Oh yes. I got tired of everyone’s fb bs back in November just after I got all my fake “Happy Birthdays!” And I swear to you, people I used to be friends with on fb have walked across the mall to approach me saying “I see you got rid of me on fb.” When I say “No I just deleted my fb, I just got tired of everyone’s fake bs”, they look at me in disbelief as if I am trying to pull one over on them. They are truly offended and act as if I have left the cult and Jim Jones is on my heels with the Kool-Aid I apparently did not drink. *Sigh*, I guess I did in fact, leave the cult.

      • mjchatters says:

        Amen. Oh… and the lol’s good grief. People began everything with an LOL. “Lol, my mother died. Lol.” Yep I’m so done with fb. WordPress is all the social media I need.

  6. theycallmetater says:

    I sometimes think I should get rid of Facebook, but I’m too darn popular over there. I’ve gotta take it where I can get it. It’s also the source of the majority of the clicks on my sad little blog. I wish I had slept all day. I’m at work until 9pm. You are obviously smarter than me.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      Haha thrive where you can! I never posted on mine, so it wasn’t such a big deal. If I shared my posts to my private Facebook I probably would have stayed. No one knows I blog 🙂 Sorry you had to work so late. At least you’ve been productive!

  7. bgddyjim says:

    My life is that perfect. My kids really do think I shit rainbows. I am their unicorn, or so they say. Funny thing is, I’m probably the only one who thinks so. Most other people would look at my life and be like, “Damn, dude, that’s it?”

    And I’d say, “Yep”… and laugh all the way to the bank. My life rocks because I say it does. 😉

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      Well, it’s good to think your life is great and be happy with it. Damn, everyone should strive for that. But shoving it incessantly in people’s faces is daunting. Especially when a majority of it is fake and people do it solely for show. I’ve heard of kids thinking their dads were their heroes. But a unicorn? That’s pretty badass haha

  8. KatieComeBack says:

    I haven’t deleted FB but I’ve cut WAAAAAAY back. It took more than a month for anyone to miss me….but that’s OK, there’s so much traffic over there, you can’t be offended not being missed.

  9. joey says:

    Kids poop the nastiest rainbows when they eat artificial colors :/
    I still love my FB. I have a small list.
    I believe people care about my yummy food pics. At least, the other foodies do 😉
    Good job on the sleeping! I want to sleep all day. Maybe Wednesday. Maybe Thursday. I dunno. My life is not my own, lol!

  10. Dr Meg Sorick says:

    I only keep my Facebook so I can play Buzz-feed games and pretend my IQ is genius level and that my soul mate is really Dave Grohl. Otherwise, I mostly screw around and leave sarcastic comments on everyone’s shiny posts!

  11. Miriam says:

    Oh Blair, you weren’t alone yesterday. I too did bugger all next-to-nothing and couldn’t give a crap that my day was less than productive. 🙂 Happy March to you.

  12. Healthy Not Nuts says:

    Yeah, me too! Fuck keeping up with the Joneses. Did that done that and so over it! My truck is from 2002 but it has a snorkel so everyone loves it since they don’t have one. I do, sometimes, like a fancy restaurant ,though. I call that a guilty pleasure. OR I have also indulged in a ridiculously expensive haircut by a large, gay Cuban man named Andre. Definitely worth the money for once or twice in a whole lifetime. I totally agree that everyone seems to live the most awesome lives on social media but at the same time, there’s a lot of subjects the population can’t seem to handle. Such as bad luck, suicide, negativity, abuse, etc. Hence, people shy away from talking about that shit. There is a big difference between being positive and lying to yourself. Are you really being a positive person or are you trying to convince your own self that you are positive? There’s a fine line. Sunshine and rainbows are fine until they blow up in your face and you are blinded by the stink!

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      Nailed it. Hey, I do some of that stuff too. I enjoy fancy food as much as the next person. I just don’t like the constant bragging and “look at me!” culture going on. Your car has a snorkel? Like… one you swim with? Or am I confused haha

      • Healthy Not Nuts says:

        Yeah, the me, me, me, I got this, I got that, look at me, look at me. It gets old fast! LOL! Yeah, the truck has a snorkel in case we have to go thru deep water but I subscribe to, “Turn Around Don’t Drown”. The Snorkel is plan B. 🙂

  13. The EcoFeminist says:

    Kickass. We are sitting on the sofa after gorging on takeout Thai and now we’re going to watch The Bachelor (we do it after watching Jeopardy though, so it evens out intellectually). Yay for laying around on a shitty winter’s day!

  14. Pan says:

    My Dad is a leap year baby, so he gets to enjoy being younger than his kids for a day.. If it wasn’t because of his 4yr BD, it’d just be another day to me 😕

    I have a virgin FB page.. Zero friends and I haven’t posted on it.. I just have it for sites that require a sign in to comment 😂

  15. mahencha says:

    Rock on. Live your life like YOU want to live, not how others tell you to.

    I had to work today, single weirdest (in a bad way) day in over 8 years at that company, I’m glad this only happens once every 4 years.

  16. Pistachios says:

    That’s why I spend more time reading blogs than scrolling through FB. People just seem more open and honest here, and it’s a lot more amusing.

    As for Feb 29, it was just another day for me. I think I did well to avoid all those “news” stories about all the special things that happened on the “extra” day of the year

  17. The Hedgeblog says:

    Ha ha! Great post! 😀

    Personally, I like to keep Facebook grounded by:

    1. Forgoing Inspirational quotes for slightly desperational ones.
    2. Only posting really CRAP photos of myself.
    (You know, the ones with the chin hairs un-tweezed
    3. Never letting an opportunity to slag off my hapless husband slide.
    4. Calling my kids f#**ing little monsters, when they are actually very attractive and quite well-behaved!
    (Just to boost the morale of the other parents, ya know?!)
    5. Moaning, whinging, talking about naps, and alcohol, a LOT.

    Yep, I’m keeping it real in your absence!

    No thanks needed! 😉

  18. hughcurtler says:

    Well, you woke up after a day’s sleep full of piss and vinegar! Well done. I must give serious thought to deleting my Facebook. IT is certainly a huge waste of time. Thanks for the food for thought.

  19. Keith says:

    Blair, those folks who poop sunshine and rainbows will leave the same odor as everyone else. Always remember, each of us are comparing our known imperfect world to a spit polished, Sunday dressed Facebook version of someone’s life. Each of us is the proverbial duck on water, looking calm above, but paddling like hell below. By the way, I am too cheap to fly as well. Keith

  20. needhamb says:

    Oh yeah, perfection is highly overrated, so is sanity. I think that great philosopher Ziggy said that once. Words to live by, others must deal with it.

  21. bkw says:

    1. Going to the produce section will never be the same after reading this post. I’ll be wondering if anyone ever threw up there. 2. I feel for the guy holding it in because after having kids, I leak whenever sneezing, coughing, or moving suddenly.

      • skaheru says:

        🙂 I am VERY safe – my avocadoes drop off a tree in the corner of my garden not too many metres away from my front door, and if that tree is on the blink then I drive up a few kilometres to the farm…but I will be on the lookout for green-faced women climbing the trees early in the mornings

  22. allyheynow says:

    I haven’t had facebook for almost 3 years now. Best decision ever! Also you are not alone. I spent the whole day in bed and attempting to watch an entire series of 31 episodes. I obviously did not succeed due to time constraints but I did get through most lol. A very productive leap day. 😛

  23. Dandelion Buttons says:

    Extra day…FUCKING CHAOS…Got a ticket, ran late all day, stubbed my toe, colostomy bag wasn’t attached after change, was dripping down the front of me leg, and pooping pants is hilarious unless it happens to you, as in Crohns, but poo is still funny.

    So let’s just cancel the lil fucker anyway, it doesn’t matter I promise we won’t miss it!

  24. Mike M says:

    Those poor, poor avocados. I guess the egg vomit on top of ’em made it some horrific breakfast omelette…but I’d have to pass on that dish.

    “Between naps, I did the wisest possible thing and deleted my account. Thanks, Facebook. Good idea.” That was damn funny. But Bravo. I haven’t signed into my account in years, and I don’t regret that at all. You definitely got it right that people only post their highlights…and often times, those posts are ridiculously embellished.

  25. Sara McDaren says:

    I think you must have run in fancier Facebook circles than I did. When I quit it was because they were all boring as dry toast and I couldn’t waste another freaking minute waiting for one of them to say something interesting. Now I think I must have been doing it wrong.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      They should have made it a holiday so everyone had off! Don’t feel bad about your car. I’m happy for people when they get new things. It’s the incessant shoving it in other people’s faces that isn’t cool. Plus, I like you. You deserve your car! End of story 🙂

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