you sexy love muffin

I’ve never really understood Valentine’s Day. If it takes corporate America to force you into proving your love to someone… chances are y’all ain’t gonna make it. Sorry folks. But, I can’t completely condemn a holiday that emphasizes something positive. Especially one that’s often paired with champagne and chocolate. Or cheesecake. Mmm… cheesecake.

Do chocolates, roses, and jewelry do it for you? Do you expect to come home to rose petals strewn across the bed while your partner is naked and covered in sushi? A stuffed bear holding a fuzzy heart? A surprise couples massage and a rub down by a sexy masseuse named Antonio? (or, if you prefer women — a sexy masseuse named Sophia)catvalentinesday

It seems like Valentine’s day evokes a lot of different feelings for people. I’m genuinely curious where you stand.

 

 

you’re weird, let’s be friends

When I was living in New York, one of my biggest complaints were the people. Sure, there were some good ones around, but it seemed like the majority were complete assholes. If they didn’t ignore you, they went out of their way to be a straight prick. New Yorkers…right? It’s the opposite here in the south. Some days, like today, you get to meet a really odd stranger while picking out some produce. strangerdangercat

Random Guy: Okay, I have to ask. Why are you buying so many jalapenos? What are you making that’s so spicy?

Me: Just jalapeno poppers for the Super Bowl. Nothing crazy.

RG: Oh. Are you sharing them with other people? If not, you are going to be shitting fire for a week straight.

Me: *holds up bag of 35 jalapenos* Yeah. Definitely sharing all of these. No ass-fire for me.

RG:  I did it once. On a dare. I ate 10 whole ones. I felt like there was a zombie baby stuck in my colon and eating me from the inside. I was pretty sure my intestines were going to blow up and I was going to die. What a weird way to die, right? That would be a weird obituary. Death by ass-plosion.  But at the same time, I’d love to make my parents have to deal with that added embarrassment when I’m gone.

Me: … you’re pretty fucking weird.

RG: Yeah, I’m sorry. That was pretty inappropriate to say to a stranger.

Me: No… I’m trying to ask you to be my friend. I love weird. Anyone who has the balls to say ‘ass-plosion’ to a stranger is okay by me.

minionhug

 

Ah… gotta love the south.

GO PANTHERS. WOO!

abort! abort!

Before Alex and I got married, we spent a fair chunk of time in a long distance relationship. We had no other choice but to master the art of dirty texting. Or ‘sexting’ as the cool people call it. (I really don’t know if that’s true. I’ve never been cool… but I’m going with it anyway.) We did it all day, every day… until the time I hit ‘send’ on a text and it went to the wrong person. My brother.

When-you-accidentally“I’ve been really bad. I wish you were here to bend me over and spank me” (It was something close to that. Thankfully, this happened six years ago.)

I’m pretty sure if there was a God, he would have followed my wishes and struck me down right then and there. Because, holy shit… I was begging him to. Anybody but my brother. Why him? Why, God, WHY? It’s one of the more horrifying moments in memory for me.

His response, which came a slow and agonizing hour later: “Yeah, uh… I’m going to pass on that…” It took quite awhile for my embarrassment over the situation to fade.

Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person before? Were you as embarrassed as me? Or were you too busy laughing your ass off to be worried about it?

textingmemeFor some reason this made me die of laughter. 

there are some strange people out there

Fun Fact: If you lick someone’s elbow while they aren’t paying attention, they won’t feel it

elbowlicking

Get those mouths ready, friends! Time to go put our tongues on some weenises!

Have any of you tried this before?  Apparently there’s some YouTubers who film themselves doing this to random schmucks as some sort of game. Are you brave enough to walk up and put your tongue on a random person and risk being caught? Because that wouldn’t be awkward or anything…

( In case you didn’t know – ‘weenis’ is the term for the flap of skin on your elbow)

Watch. Be disturbed. Get out there and lick some shit.

light your fears on fire

10yearsI was recently contacted by an inspiring woman named Heather Von St. James who, a decade ago, was told by doctors that she only had 15 months left to live. She wasn’t asking me for money or gifts, she simply wanted her story shared to raise awareness and inspire hope.  Her story resonated with me, and so does her message, so even though this isn’t my typical humor post – I hope you’ll continue reading her story.

In 2005, Heather was diagnosed with Mesothelioma caused by asbestos exposure when she was a kid. Her cancer wasn’t caused by smoking, drinking, or anything thought to be menacing – she was simply a little girl who liked to put on a coat her father wore to his construction job. To make matters worse – the diagnosis came a mere handful of months after giving birth to her daughter. She heard the news that so many people fear –  she only had 15 months left to live. (Can you imagine coming face-to-face with death? The possibility you would not only leave your husband behind… but you would miss out on your daughter’s life?) Along with chemo, Heather braved a terrifying, yet successful, surgery to remove her left lung. She has coined the day of her surgery (February 2nd)  ‘Lung Leavin’ Day‘ and she celebrates the anniversary every year.

LLD_plateLung Leavin’ Day is all about facing your fears and not letting them control you. I can only imagine what Heather felt. The fear of dying and leaving her family behind. That her daughter would be without a mother. Having the money for treatment. Whether or not the surgery would be successful. Every year she, along with friends and family, celebrate Lung Leavin’ Day on February 2nd by writing their fears on plates and smashing them into a fire. This year, Alex and I are joining her.

Truthfully, neither of us have ever been through anything as scary or traumatic as Heather, but there’s no doubt we have our own fears. Rather than writing them on a plate and smashing it, we opted for lighting a paper plate on fire. There’s something very calming and cathartic about seeing your fears go up in flames.

Guys, life is too short to be controlled by fear and things that aren’t in our control. Be thankful for what you have. What you’ve had in the past. And for every day that you have here.

lungleavinday2016 Here’s our burning plate. My #1 fear? Infertility. Alex’s? Failure. 

There is a lot more to Heather’s story than what I wrote in this summary.
Visit her page here where she goes into detail about her cancer diagnosis and recovery.
– Want to smash a plate without lighting a fire? Visit her interactive page to smash a virtual plate.
– Visit mesothelioma.com to learn more about this deadly form of cancer.