all aboard the hotmess express

Today I faced one of my biggest fears and got a haircut. I know. It doesn’t seem like a monumental occasion, and you’re probably thinking I’m bat-shit crazy or that I’m really a 5-year-old masquerading as the classy woman I am. But, I assure you, I am not five nor classy.

It seems like a ridiculous thing to be scared of, but when you’re socially awkward… it’s a fear that runs deep. Forced conversations with a stranger with nowhere to run? There are very few things that are as terrifying as this.

ericforman

Hairdresser: Hi Blair, how are you doing today?

Me: Hi! My name is Blair.

Hairdresser: Ooookay… What can I do for you today?

Me: I need like six inches off with some long whispy bangs. Not too short with the bangs though. My husband thinks they are ugly. He would never tell me what to do with my hair but I don’t want him to think I’m ugly. I rely on him for things, you know. I can either get bangs from you now, or get my bang from him later.

(looks up and realizes the hairdresser has bangs)

Me: You can be the exception to the rule because yours look good. I’m sure my husband wouldn’t think you were ugly. I don’t think he’d want to bang you though. If he did I’d probably kill him. I hope you don’t take that personally.

Hairdresser: ….

Me: I’m sorry. I’m nervous. I’m just going to sit here quietly and listen to Dr. Phil until it’s time for me to give you a generous tip.

I think I deserve a cookie for getting my haircut for the first time in a year, or at least, a high-five. On top of that, I went to the doctor for the first time yesterday in six years. Imagine how awkward I am when I have to take my clothes off and have the doctor’s icy hands of death touch me.

Small victories, guys. Small victories.

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209 thoughts on “all aboard the hotmess express

  1. shenrydafrankmann says:

    You’re awkward but funny. You would hate me if you had to deal with me in public, because I would seize on your humor and take the challenge of getting you to talk to me more.

    I don’t think that I have ever told another guy that he looked good enough that my wife would bang him.

  2. Ivy Willow says:

    Yeay yeay yeay yeay yeay yeay!!!! Congrats sunshine ^.^ Small steps can be huge, I know. I’m very proud of you. Take gentle care of yourself and have a beautiful day!

  3. Hemangini says:

    ROTFL…. Are you serious?? I don’t think my husband would want to bang you? I’d probably kill him? LOL LOL LOL

    If I was the hairdresser I would have written this on my own blog too…
    Congrats on your bangs :p

  4. Annikäse says:

    Wow, you’re amazing writer you know that? I get anxiety and I making a fool of yourself, feeling insecure about everything – but you really got something great going, so you can pat yourself on the back for that any day!

  5. rgayer55 says:

    I need a haircut too, but like everything else I procrastinate until I look like a wooly mammoth. I keep telling the girl to just remove the gray, but she insists there won’t be anything left but ear hair and eyebrows if she does that. What a terrible dilemma.

  6. idioglossiablog says:

    Hey hair cuts are serious business! 😉 I take my hair very seriously. Iv’e had the same hairdresser for 24 years. Our Joke is if she changes her address I need 2 months notice so I can find a place closer to her. Hilarious post, loved it! G-uno

  7. rveganadventures says:

    It’s great if one of your friends cuts hair. Then they already know you’re socially awkward and are okay with it. Otherwise they wouldn’t be your friend. This was a lifesaver for me for about three years. Now that we’re on the road I might just pretend to always have laryngitis when I go get my hair cut or take note cards with talking points. I applaud your bravery.

  8. thisendoftheswamp says:

    After having been beaten up – badly – it took me two years to get a haircut, because I couldn’t stand to have anybody touch me. I resembled a gnu. I ended up pulling it back into an Amish bun; my girlfriend showed me how.

    Oddly enough, it was the Passing of the Peace at church that helped me over that hurdle. If I thought I could handle having somebody touch me, we’d sit where I could reach to shake hands. If not, we hovered in a corner and waved. Eventually, I came out of it, bit it took a long, long time, and people were very understanding.

    But it’s still worth your life to come up behind me and touch me on the back.

  9. Po' Girl Shines says:

    A woman after my own heart! I hate haircuts! I’ve decided that I’m letting my hair grow out and having a long braid like I used to when I was young. I’m an artist and I’m old now so I’ll just look all artsy fartsy instead of like a bag lady, hopefully. God bless!

  10. Haji says:

    I have posted extensively on the subject of awkwardness at the hairdresser. Solidarity, my friend.

    My best advice is go with a picture of what you want done, tell the hairdresser what you like about the picture, and what you think you’ll be capable of replicating stylewise at home. For example, will you commit 45 minutes to a three step styling process every day? If yes, get that style. If not, ask for simple (not easy – they don’t mean the same thing always), quick finishing.

    You don’t have to justify what other people like/don’t like in your cut. Just say what you’re looking for. Talk about what you like about your current style, and what you’re looking to change.

    A stylist will usually chit chat on her without prompting, but a few safe topics are travel, tv/movies, music, plans for the next holiday/coming months. When in doubt, ask her favorite pokemons.

  11. pixieannie says:

    Bloody frigging awesome, Blair. You have my sympathy. I’ve been once in a year and am unlikely to return. I hate the moment when they suggest that they might straighten your curls…why? I mean, honestly, I was born with crazy bent hair, why do I want to make it not bent? Then they think it should be tamed like Maggie Thatcher’s locks and I just want to shake it and scruff it all up again. I’ll stick to snipping a bit off in the mirror, or not, as the mood takes me. Failing that, I’ll just keep wearing my hat and take it off in six years.

  12. Healthy Not Nuts says:

    LOL! Well, where’s the picture of your new haircut! I cut all my long hair off recently. I like to go for the shocker. Do you like your new haircut?

  13. The Boss Book Club says:

    Haha! Oh man I can relate to this! I recently put off going to the hairdresser for 2 years after a series of terrible incidents! I once had a hairdresser suggest that I was an illegitimate bastard child because my hair was so big and frizzy compared to the rest of my families. That really put me off Good on you for going, keep up the courage!

  14. nombre de la pluma says:

    I cut my own hair to save a few bucks so I could help a friend, and NOBODY NOTICED. In everyone’s defense, no one really cares about an older married guys hair unless they think they want something or they think he’s hot. Story of my life, the only people who want something don’t want ME, they want what I DO. So my hair doesn’t matter. Mrs M might care if I cut it all off, or went to a crew cut, but she DIDN’T NOTICE either. So to her, I must be hotter than everybody thought George Clooney used to be. Or I did a good job. Feathered and layered and everything. Maybe next time I’ll put purple colour in it. Nah, that’d cost money. Here’s my friends thingy where the extra $$ went, she needs help with a car-https://www.gofundme.com/5ttwc2x8 if anyone can help. No, thank you, I do NOT want a scholarship to beauty school. Thanks! ~Deon

  15. Calle says:

    Thanks for that hilarious post! It gave a hairdresser a very good laugh!
    But what you said is very true, it all comes down to openness and communication. (And going to a hairdresser who knows what they are doing helps also) 🙂 Much love and kindness and keep have fun with your hair!

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