step away from the Skittles

Earlier today my morning breath was so bad it made my husband gag. Rather than let me go get my shit in order he took some few deep breaths and powered through. Gotta respect a person who can deal with your gross qualities even when it tastes like a rat wiped its ass with your tongue. I know, I’m ruining the picture in your mind of how glamorous my life is. This is the sad reality, folks. You better believe it. (Don’t judge – your breath in the morning isn’t minty fresh either. Who’re you trying to fool?)


I’ve been trying to look at the things in life that make me happy because it makes me a more thankful person. You know, just the small things. Like my cats loving me so much they drop a cockroach on my pillow in the middle of the night. Or, even though I repulse Alex to the point of gagging sometimes, he will still go see Zootopia and share some Skittles and a blue slushie with me. (Yes, I’m a 29-year-old child.) I’m even thankful for my niece who told me I should probably step away from said Skittles because I need some help before bathing suit season. Thanks for the brutal honesty, kid.

When life takes a shit on you and you’re wading through a rough patch, it’s nice to remember the small stuff. Even if the great things you have are cloaked in unexpected disguises. You’ll just have to look a bit harder.

115 thoughts on “step away from the Skittles

  1. Sara McDaren says:

    Yeah, trite as it sounds, counting your blessings is such a help to mental health. You gotta be specific though, which you seem to really understand. Not I’m happy for sunrises, but I’m happy for THIS sunrise. Not I love my cats, but I love that my cats feed me cockroaches. (ew, by the way)

  2. circumstance227 says:

    This was just the message I needed to hear as I sit here wallowing in self-pity with my injured arm. It took me a while to come up with it, but here is a little thing I was thankful for today. I was happy that when my old dog pooped in the house this afternoon, she did it right next to the pail of water and mop I had left standing after cleaning up her morning poop. That’s pretty great, isn’t it?

  3. pixieannie says:

    Fuck me…there I am, lying on my bed, thinking about my tasty dinner, only a couple of hours after my tasty lunch and now I’m thinking about dog turds, rat’s asses and hairy tongues…can’t remember if you said that you had a hairy tongue, don’t think you did but maybe I’ve just got a warped mind. Perhaps someone could mention cat shit, just to finish me off before I dive into a plate of chicken thighs, drizzled in something resembling diarrhoea. Awesome as ever.

  4. pixieannie says:

    I’m thankful for having the balls to read your posts before food is taken. Next time, if there is a next time, just in case I fall down the toilet and end up in a Trainspotting movie, I’ll eat first. Just saying.

  5. Rising Hawk says:

    Skittles are the best – well, them and Vienna Finger cookies. I quit buying them both because I can’t stay out of them! Another fun, humorous post 🙂

  6. joey says:

    Look here now, the only way I make it through the horrors of summer’s heat is by drinking a ton of blue slushies! Blue slushies are for adults who need to be sober, but numb! 😉
    I’ll pass on the Skittles, but I do enjoy the occasional gummie bear.

  7. Boone Ashworth says:

    The theater I went to the other day had two flavors of slushie: the standard blue and Strawberry Shortcake. Curious, I tried to order the latter and the woman behind the counter shook her head.
    “You don’t want that,” she said. “Nobody wants that. It tastes like your childhood ending.”
    I felt like she might have been exaggerating a little, but still I heeded her warning and walked away drink-less. I’ve never had a movie theater refuse my $8 like that before. Still, I’m resolved to try it next time I go back. I’m just too curious now, consequences be damned.

  8. DRAGONE says:

    I’m infamous for my rancid farts which I’m sure are worse than your bad breath. I can barely stand them, I have no idea how my wife puts up with it.

  9. 2ndhalfolife says:

    Sorry if you’re wading through a rough patch. I keep pets around me because I’m forever wading through rough patches….It’s my life’s work! As one of my dear friends would say: the know me AND love me. 🙂

  10. Lady Dickson says:

    I often tell my husband his breath smells like T-Rex took a shit his mouth and it’s like he’s proud of it or something.

  11. bensbitterblog says:

    I like to take those things that you like to be optimistic about and make them bitter. Like Skittles are so tasty, but one of S’s were backwards and I just couldn’t take it.

  12. spartacus2030 says:

    Once I was exposed to the obnoxious fumes of a grey mouses fart! I was scratching the walls trying to hold my breath. And some kind gentleman said: ‘Take deep breaths, it will go away faster!’ What a nice guy! For bad breath, I eat Kleenex. It’s soft, downy freshness is alluring!

  13. The EcoFeminist says:

    funny except for the niece telling you to worry about how you will look in a swimsuit, no one should ever be thinking that their weight should keep them out of a swimsuit especially a kid! (sorry i’m just in a pissed-off-mode about all these ‘get your bod swimsuit ready!’ as if somehow my round belly is shameful and only skinny folks should get to be comfortable at the beach)

  14. chattykerry says:

    I kept thinking about this scenario as I couldn’t sleep last night. I go up and brushed my teeth at 1 am – that is your fault, Blair. The solution is this – I advocate spoon sex then nobody can smell each other’s breath and you still had some fun. 🙂

  15. L. van Ree says:

    A rat wiping its ass with your tongue…how do you come up with those words? You’ve painted a picture that simply will not vanish from my mind. Well done…I guess;)

  16. Keith says:

    Blair, my wife and I look at each other when in the movies, the couple wakes up the next morning and begins passionately kissing. That would require a quick rinse out in our world. By the way, my college age daughter loved Zootopia. Enjoy the Skittles and Blue Slushy. You can even hold hands. Keith

  17. April says:

    It is the little things that keep us going. My cats like to bring in lizards and torture them before leaving their dead carcasses for me to find.

  18. Battle Born Knits & more... says:

    Oh now have you smelled my morning breath? It’s roses NOT!! My honey is willing to power through too and we have been married for 25 years, so I’d say you have a keeper! Keep being a kid always and I speak as a 58 year old kid who has nothing but fun!! Oh and I am off to brush my teeth thanks for the reminder…

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