let’s crush those tomatoes, ladies

While I was reaching for some of my prized Chobani yogurt in the grocery store the other day, a random man grabbed my ass. Believe me when I say – it took all of the willpower I could muster to refrain from turning around and crushing his balls so hard they looked like deflated tomatoes with their guts oozing out. What a prick, right? I looked for Alex to defend my honor but he wandered off and had been lost in the beer aisle at that point. Damn it!


I’m not sure why anyone would think touching a random person would be a great start to any sort of ‘relationship.’ Especially when one person was wearing a blatantly obvious wedding ring (as I was!) Did he expect me to just escort him to the bathroom and drop my panties for him? Or that we would start a long-lasting and loving relationship from some unwelcome groping? I mean, seriously…has any woman (or man, really) ever had a positive response to something like this? Where the fuck do people get the nerve to grab people?! So many questions, so little answers. 

People, it is never okay to touch a stranger. Don’t grab their ass. Don’t grab their arm. Don’t even poke them. Not. Okay. You copy? Just don’t. ‘Hey, Chobani kicks ass, so you must too’ is a much better ice breaker. Plus, your balls will have a much better chance of making it through the shopping trip without being harmed.

187 thoughts on “let’s crush those tomatoes, ladies

  1. Alex says:

    I am a little shocked… but WHY SHOULD I BE? So many people are scummy weirdos and think it’s okay to act that way towards another person. Shake my head… I applaud you for not grinding his balls into dust!

  2. allyheynow says:

    Whoaaaa no way. The audacity! This is insanely sad but very common. Idk why people think its okay to just do that especially when you said it is clear you are married and at a grocery store of all places. Disgusting. I could expect that from a drunken douche at a bar but like for real? You were just buying your yogurt dammit. On the bright side he just could not help but to grope your obviously desirable backside Not justified, but still says a lot about how irresistible you are lol. I hope that wasn’t creepy. Enjoy your day :]

  3. octobermonday says:

    I am thankful no one has ever invaded my space by an unauthorized or unwanted touch. I did have (which is creepy on a different level) and sniffer. A man in the grocery store (wtf should we have body guards when shopping for food?!) was slinking closely behind me sniffing me, my 18 year old (built like a lumberjack) son was there to intercept… Sons the best mama protection ever 😉

  4. Haji says:

    Oh lordt, if this was me, I’d have made the biggest scene ever. Under no circumstances is anyone permitted to touch me, and oh boy, I’d have gotten the police involved. Please tell me you alerted the grocery store management to this problem! they have cameras and what not. This guy’s probably not a first time offender, and could be doing this to others. Raise a ruckus!

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      I didn’t. I looked for him afterwards to say something. But couldn’t find him. Didn’t think about the cameras! Next time I go in (which will probably be today or tomorrow ha) I’ll tell management. I was too flustered and angry to even think into it like that

  5. Lady Dickson says:

    Ooooo I have a story similar to this. Thanks for the idea. I’ll be sure to not mention it came from you on my blog. HA just kidding. I’m an asshole but not that big of one. Also, I like you. Okay bye.


  6. Ealachan says:

    Please tell me you at least turned around, gave him a totally horrified look and said “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” I’m honestly not sure I could have even remained THAT calm. That is just an aircraft carrier sized load of NOT OK.

  7. Robert C Olson says:

    As a man I don’t know what possesses other men to act out this way. There are plenty of uncontrollable thoughts that ramble through my shitty brain, but I know the difference between letting that darkness out into the open and being a human. There’s no reason for it and I’m kind of wondering: was it an older man?

    Not that it makes any difference, just thinking that there is a generational divide because none of the people I know who are my age would do anything like that. If it were me I probably would have opened a gallon of milk and drowned the handsy f**ker right there in the dairy aisle.

  8. heretherebespiders says:

    A local man here grabbed my arse a few months back. Being as I had liquid courage on board (it happened in a pub), I verbally laid into him. ‘You have no right to touch me,’ etc etc.
    He called me a cunt. Now, I don’t have a problem with that word and use it often – but I don’t use it in anger and not to any woman who hasn’t seen me in my PJ’s. So: way outta line he was, again. Now I avoid him like he has sexism-herpes when I see him out, so he doesn’t get another go.

  9. Otakraft says:

    I really don’t understand what goes through the mind of people who think sexual harassment is a good opener. Others though get off on the fact that it’s illicit and makes others uncomfortable. Either way it shows a fundamental disrespect for the bodily integrity of others and he was deserving of all the ball crushing.

  10. hazelhillboro says:

    You’re so right – NO RELATIONSHIP HAS EVER STARTED THAT WAY (not a good one, anyway!).

    I wish all of the followers of your blog could publicly shame him. You know we all would!!

  11. Rachelle R.M. says:

    One of my pet peeves is when people touch the belly of a pregnant woman they don’t know. I’ve never been pregnant before and I can’t stand watching this happen. One of my best friends was pregnant and I flinched when she took my hand to put on her belly. She admitted to letting strangers do it all the time and said it won’t happen on my watch, that’s my personal preference.

    Another one: people who think they can just put their hand on your back, casually touch your arm or a playful arm nudge during conversation. If I don’t know you, don’t think I’ll touch you. If you’re not in my familiar circle, don’t think you can do it.

    A woman should punch him very soon. I hope it’s a stay at home mom with a huge purse.

  12. mltrautz@yahoo.com says:

    Very funny, though incredibly annoying. I actually had someone say something I think might have been lewd today, but as I am not young I just smiled and walked away. At least he didn’t touch me!

  13. anthonypandolfo says:

    Why does that never happen to me?! I even wear the sweatpants with the hand-prints on the buttocks. I mean, if that doesn’t say “place hands here,” I don’t know what does. … Those that want it can’t get it, and those that get it don’t want it. C’est la guerre.

  14. Nicole @ pink elephant on parade says:

    I had someone start groping me under a table. Instead of loudly saying something, I was just silently mortified. In retrospect I’m enraged, in real time I’m embarrassed and just want it to go away and forget it ever happened. I hate it when people touch me.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      That’s how I feel for the most part, too. When it happens… all you can think of is getting the hell out of there. Then you look back and think ‘Shit.. I shoulda punched that guy’ lol. Touching strangers is just gross.

  15. Dr Meg Sorick says:

    I’ve never been groped. Not that I’m complaining. I just wonder what it is that has prevented it from happening. Maybe I give off the vibe that I could snap their neck with my bare hands. Nah, probably not.

  16. iamhlee says:

    Here’s the thing, HE KNOWS IT IS WRONG. No one that age (my age) hasn’t been thu a multitude of sexual harassment classes at work, seen this issue on tv, etc. He didn’t think it was ok. He knew it was wrong and he did it anyway. He’s an asshole of epic proportions.

  17. hotmessmemoir says:

    I’ll give you $20 dollars to say fuck it and grab his ass right back. I mean, what would happen if that happened? I’ve only had knuckle draggers “brush up” against my ass. And I’m like ‘really? I would figure you would get more of a thrill with a porn or something.’

  18. Baghead Kelly says:

    When I was a young man walking down our busiest mall there was another young man who brushed past me at a brisk pace. Without even looking directly at a girl walking in the opposite direction he went for a tit squeeze. I was somewhat shocked as was the victim. I stepped it up and followed behind him to witness maybe three more assaults. To my shame I did not intervene and he advanced through the crowd. Each time it was the same, the girl was shocked at the unexpected attack and kept walking.

  19. Dario says:

    While I agree that violation of the personal space with a sexual intention is HORRIBLY WRONG, I don’t agree to say that it’s not ok to touch a stranger. It’s very cultural. In southern Europe people kiss each other the first time they meet.

    With this I’m not endorsing non-consensual contact. But we have physical bodies and I know of too many people who long for a simple contact – might it be a hug, a gentle pat on the back in a moment of need. And strangers aren’t all bad people ready to jump on you.

    I think I just want to say that we cannot look with disdain at ALL physical contacts with strangers. I don’t mind if you poke me or touch me gently to get my attention.

  20. susielindau says:

    That is insane! Did you say anything to him? I would have called management to have him escorted out. But maybe I would have been in shock and wouldn’t have believed what happened until later.

  21. bg says:

    ThePrime Minister John Key(of the country I exist in has dismissed his hair-pulling pranks as “a bit of banter”, thought you’d love this. John Oliver made good sport of this on his show…..if u want a laugh. 🙂

  22. thisendoftheswamp says:

    Many, many years ago, I was jumped from behind and beaten up. (Yes, that’s a euphemism.) To this day, it is worth your life to tap me on the shoulder. You’d be amazed at how many people do it – even folks who know me and know why I go up in flames when it happens. They DO apologize afterward, but it still scares me rather than annoying me. Often, it’s a matter of the person calling me and my not hearing them, so they tap me on the shoulder to get my attention, and I know they mean no harm, but it still startles me all out of proportion.

  23. pawsinsd says:

    You have to stick up for yourself. Once I was on my old train from Manhattan to Brooklyn. A guy behind me touched my shoulder. I poised my elbow to get him in the gut then turn around and knee him where it hurts most until I realized it was my husband, keeping me safe. Too many years on the subway, ears cut off, bleeding head landing on my lap. Yeah, I don’t want to go back.

    Way back, first trip ever to NYC, we were on the subway with Mom, six months pregnant and of course my three year-old brother asked “Mommy, who are all these chocolate people?”

    They all laughed, it was the 60’s and someone stood up and gave Mom her seat. I remember as if it was yesterday. Don’t steal this! I’m going to write it. It’s my story. D

  24. pawsinsd says:

    Oh, I’ve some lovely differently colored cherry tomatoes and a jalapeño. All I need are my blender, a couple of tortillas to dry toast, and shred some cheese and dinner is on the table! D

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