I go to the post office multiple times a week, so lately I’ve been trying to befriend the women who work there. It’s proven to be difficult because, let’s face it, most government employees have the personality of a sullen teenager who’s mastered the art of sighing and being an asshole at the same time. Good job, guys! Way to set the bar high.
Since I see the same few women every time I go, I try to be as friendly as possible even though it’s normally met with restraint. Today I crafted a plan to get on their good side. I was going to bring them what all adults want in their mouths – lollipops. What person doesn’t like lollipops, right? They would love me after this. Pure genius.
Post Office Lady: How are you today? Anything liquid, fragile, perish—-
Me: I brought you lollipops! The good ones… with the gum in the middle.
Lady: Oh, uh, thanks? I guess? That was….thoughtful of you.
Me: You’re welcome. I’m here all the time so I thought it would be a step in the direction of a new friendship between us.
Lady: Sure. Anything in the box liquid, fragile, perishable or explosive?
Me: Nope. Unless cocaine is perishable haha. I’m just kidding. Seriously, that was a bad joke. It’s not cocaine.
Me: It’s just weed. Gotcha! *slaps knee* I’m here all night, folks.
Lady: I’m going to need you to wait here…
Lesson Of The Day – There is such a thing as ‘too much, too soon.’ Don’t force awkward jokes with strangers when you have nothing else to talk about. And… drugs are not a good topic to bring up, especially when you are standing in the middle of a government building.
‘Word Vomit’ … it’s a real thing, guys!