hey, suck on this

I go to the post office multiple times a week, so lately I’ve been trying to befriend the women who work there. It’s proven to be difficult because, let’s face it, most government employees have the personality of a sullen teenager who’s mastered the art of sighing and being an asshole at the same time. Good job, guys! Way to set the bar high.

Since I see the same few women every time I go, I try to be as friendly as possible even though it’s normally met with restraint. Today I crafted a plan to get on their good side. I was going to bring them what all adults want in their mouths – lollipops. What person doesn’t like lollipops, right? They would love me after this. Pure genius.


Post Office Lady: How are you today? Anything liquid, fragile, perish—-

Me: I brought you lollipops! The good ones… with the gum in the middle.

Lady: Oh, uh, thanks? I guess? That was….thoughtful of you.

Me: You’re welcome. I’m here all the time so I thought it would be a step in the direction of a new friendship between us.

Lady: Sure. Anything in the box liquid, fragile, perishable or explosive?

Me: Nope. Unless cocaine is perishable haha. I’m just kidding. Seriously, that was a bad joke. It’s not cocaine.

Lady: ……

Me: It’s just weed. Gotcha! *slaps knee* I’m here all night, folks.

Lady: I’m going to need you to wait here…


Lesson Of The Day – There is such a thing as ‘too much, too soon.’ Don’t force awkward jokes with strangers when you have nothing else to talk about. And… drugs are not a good topic to bring up, especially when you are standing in the middle of a government building.

‘Word Vomit’ … it’s a real thing, guys!

163 thoughts on “hey, suck on this

  1. Mike M says:

    I was laughing at the jokes; too bad her handbook on humor seemed to be lost…she should fill out the proper triplicate form in order for a replacement to be requisitioned. Damn, it’s not like you said you had a bomb or anything.

    On a commiserating point, most of my encounters with strangers and/or retail workers have a tendency to go that route…probably why I try to avoid interactions with people whenever possible.

  2. circumstance227 says:

    Speaking as a sullen government employee, I sort of have to side with the post office lady here. Sorry Blair.
    You don’t, by any chance, joke about hijacking in the airport security line, do you?

  3. Po' Girl Shines says:

    Good one. Not sure if you really said this but don’t ever tell the person interviewing you for a job that the way you usually resolve conflicts is to slap someone. I did this, totally trying to lighten the mood and laughing when I said it and the woman just glared at me. I was so glad when they didn’t hire me. I knew I could not work for anyone with no sense of humor, no matter how inappropriate.

  4. joanna says:

    Silly 🙂 Did I ever tell you about the day I left the post office with 2 pairs of sunglasses? One on my head (mine), and the other on my face (not mine).Or about the laughter from then up-till-then bored post office people that followed me as I exited? Or the surprised look on the another guy’s face as he saw his glasses walking out the door? Just call me Four Eyes.

  5. terrepruitt says:

    Awww. We have great (not the fastest), but really nice people – ok, PERSON – no, there are at least two . . . people in our post office. And our carrier is great, too.

    Good luck. Keep trying . . . without the jokes, though!

  6. hijabiexoticdancer says:

    Brilliant! Ah well, at least you didn’t use those jokes at airport security. I made a joke about having explosives and a hand gun in my bag at Atlanta airport once, Not a wise move when you’re clearly a Muslim in a headscarf in a post 9/11 world…I was sent off to be searched.

  7. Wanda says:

    When I type LOL, it’s because I actually laugh out loud at something. For this post, I’m still LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! But just curious….why do you need to be friends with the ladies at the post office? Are there perks I’m unaware of? Do tell!

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