now accepting applications

Today my social anxiety and awkwardness claimed another victim. I really don’t know how I’ve made it so long without being monitored in public. I need to hire an adult nanny so they can help me from making a fool of myself. All I need is a social companion. Do those exist? Should I hire someone? Anyone need a job hanging out and being emotional support to a woman on the brink of crazy-town? Unlimited Wi-Fi and Diet Coke available. Games and activities like Exploding Kittens and brownie-eating-competitions will be provided. (Just don’t blow up my real cats, okay?)

(This started as a joke, but now there’s a part of me that really wants to hire someone who will do all of that with me. A sad testament to how little friends I have that it’s come to the point I’d consider paying someone to be one. Loser alert. It’s hard being an adult.)


On to today’s victim in the pharmacy: 

Woman: Excuse me, I know you don’t work here… but can I ask you something?

Me: Sure. Unless it’s about condoms. I don’t use those so I don’t really have any legitimate advice on them. If I were you, I’d go with the ones that emphasize the woman’s pleasure though. Why the hell not, right? You’re the one here buying them. It’s okay being selfish sometimes.

Woman: Oh…

Me: I know what you’re thinking, but it was an educated and personal decision of ours. I’m married. Happily married even!

Woman: … I was just going to ask you if you knew where the Claritin was…

Me: Oh.. uh.. sorry. It’s right over there. Next to the hemorrhoid creams. Which, thankfully, I also don’t need to use. *nervous laughter*

*Woman stares at me with wide eyes and runs away*

182 thoughts on “now accepting applications

  1. jonna ellis holston says:

    You know that thing in your brain that tells you NOT to say what you’re thinking? Ya, me neither.

  2. chattykerry says:

    If we lived closer you could employ me anytime. I have the feeling you might be embarrassed at my random conversations with people I don’t know and then you would feel normal. Move to Glasgow in Scotland – everybody talks at bus stops or in shops. One lady asked me what hair color I used in front of a queue of people. I quite happily wrote down the name and shade – some other people wanted it to. Yesterday a European friend asked me ” are you around 130 lbs”. We are amongst you…. 🙂

  3. allyheynow says:

    Ha! Awesome story. My credentials seem to line up with your job description. I am fluent in wifi and also have a bottomless pit when it comes to brownies. Please consider me for the position. I would appreciate a person interview to further discuss my qualifications. Thank you.

    Your truly,


  4. Lady Dickson says:

    I am absolutely available to be your adult nanny. Although, I cannot guarantee that these scenarios will stop happening because I, too, am People Challenged. But at least you’ll have someone there with you saying “I DON’T USE CONDOMS OR HEMORRHOID CREAM EITHER!” and then we can high five. AND THEN WE CAN TRY HIGH FIVING THE STRANGER.

  5. susielindau says:

    My blog is based on abject humiliations like these except they don’t embarrass me anymore. Something about living long enough and surviving cancer. I do recognize an awkward situation though.
    That was hilarious!!!

  6. Cookie says:

    Jesus. You’re a barrel full of hilarious awkward, aren’t you?
    Next time you go out in public, you should Snapchat the entire trip to me, lol.

  7. LisaD says:

    I think you should put on a red shirt and go have a fun day with people at Target. For some reason people always mistake me for a Target Employee! I have to choose my Target shopping outfits in advance. Anyway – it’s fun to screw with people. I’d be your friend for WiFi and Diet Coke!

  8. terrepruitt says:

    Yes. They do have people like that. I knew someone who worked as a companion to make certain his client didn’t do anything inappropriate. Sounds like you need his services. 😉

  9. Andy Smart says:

    I am a sufferer of SA >>> Blaaaagh! Since I can remember! Blaaaagh! And there is no way to stop it! Confirmed! Blaaaagh! Glad to find someone of similar whatever it is!!!! LOL

  10. Joyful2bee says:

    You are very funny and wonderful to be able to laugh at your awkwardness. This is how I make people feel at ease. A person who can laugh at their mistakes can’t be a threat to another, now can they! Loved it!!

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