Today my social anxiety and awkwardness claimed another victim. I really don’t know how I’ve made it so long without being monitored in public. I need to hire an adult nanny so they can help me from making a fool of myself. All I need is a social companion. Do those exist? Should I hire someone? Anyone need a job hanging out and being emotional support to a woman on the brink of crazy-town? Unlimited Wi-Fi and Diet Coke available. Games and activities like Exploding Kittens and brownie-eating-competitions will be provided. (Just don’t blow up my real cats, okay?)
(This started as a joke, but now there’s a part of me that really wants to hire someone who will do all of that with me. A sad testament to how little friends I have that it’s come to the point I’d consider paying someone to be one. Loser alert. It’s hard being an adult.)
On to today’s victim in the pharmacy:
Woman: Excuse me, I know you don’t work here… but can I ask you something?
Me: Sure. Unless it’s about condoms. I don’t use those so I don’t really have any legitimate advice on them. If I were you, I’d go with the ones that emphasize the woman’s pleasure though. Why the hell not, right? You’re the one here buying them. It’s okay being selfish sometimes.
Woman: Oh…
Me: I know what you’re thinking, but it was an educated and personal decision of ours. I’m married. Happily married even!
Woman: … I was just going to ask you if you knew where the Claritin was…
Me: Oh.. uh.. sorry. It’s right over there. Next to the hemorrhoid creams. Which, thankfully, I also don’t need to use. *nervous laughter*
*Woman stares at me with wide eyes and runs away*
The Shameful Sheep 
Ha Ha Ha!
What goes on in your mind sometimes is simply the best stuff I have ever heard!!
Don’t ever change, ya weirdo!!!!
I’ve tried to change, it didn’t work 😀 I’m now stuck like this lol
Ha Ha Ha!!!
If I came across someone who said that to me, I would be laughing or at least smiling. Very funny.
I’m glad! Most people are just mortified and walk away like I’m going to murder them or something lol
You know that thing in your brain that tells you NOT to say what you’re thinking? Ya, me neither.
Right? lol
If I was your nanny we’d be in soooo much trouble. Adore you, Blair!
❤️
Ha! Realise you should shut up and carry on anyway!
I’d *love* to have a random conversation like that; much more so than boring interaction.
I’m my own worst enemy lol
What, the lady got a free stand-up routine and didn’t even applaud? No class.
THANK you! People… *shakes head*
If we lived closer you could employ me anytime. I have the feeling you might be embarrassed at my random conversations with people I don’t know and then you would feel normal. Move to Glasgow in Scotland – everybody talks at bus stops or in shops. One lady asked me what hair color I used in front of a queue of people. I quite happily wrote down the name and shade – some other people wanted it to. Yesterday a European friend asked me ” are you around 130 lbs”. We are amongst you…. 🙂
Glasgow, here I come! I’ve wanted to move anyways. Although… someone asking me what I weighed would freak me out. A lot!
LOL! Europeans are a lot more earthy and straightforward than Americans realize. Almost nothing is off limits, from personal questions, religion and politics (and we still manage not to shoot each other, very often) 🙂
HAHAHAHAHAHA oh yes, hire me! Of course I’d only encourage the random odd commentary so might not work out in the way you’re hopin
That’s okay, as long as you’ll play games with me all day 😀
Apparently, you are not quite as strange as you had thought you might be ! ; )
It’s nice! 🙂
; )
Ha! Awesome story. My credentials seem to line up with your job description. I am fluent in wifi and also have a bottomless pit when it comes to brownies. Please consider me for the position. I would appreciate a person interview to further discuss my qualifications. Thank you.
Your truly,
Me
My people will contact yours 🙂
I am absolutely available to be your adult nanny. Although, I cannot guarantee that these scenarios will stop happening because I, too, am People Challenged. But at least you’ll have someone there with you saying “I DON’T USE CONDOMS OR HEMORRHOID CREAM EITHER!” and then we can high five. AND THEN WE CAN TRY HIGH FIVING THE STRANGER.
Why don’t I live in Canada? Damn.
I often ask that to everyone I meet not from here.
My blog is based on abject humiliations like these except they don’t embarrass me anymore. Something about living long enough and surviving cancer. I do recognize an awkward situation though.
That was hilarious!!!
Thanks 😀
Jesus. You’re a barrel full of hilarious awkward, aren’t you?
Next time you go out in public, you should Snapchat the entire trip to me, lol.
Sadly I have no idea what Snapchat is. I’m guessing pictures? I live under a rock lol
It’s kinda like testing, but you send a picture and it literally disappears after a few seconds. All the rage apparently.
Simply amazing!!! 😀 😀
😂
More her fault than yours. I’d have laughed and we would have had a conversation about condoms….
It would have been a great convo 😀
I think you should put on a red shirt and go have a fun day with people at Target. For some reason people always mistake me for a Target Employee! I have to choose my Target shopping outfits in advance. Anyway – it’s fun to screw with people. I’d be your friend for WiFi and Diet Coke!
Target is amazing. It sounds like fun messing with people there. Maybe I should try it!
Yes. They do have people like that. I knew someone who worked as a companion to make certain his client didn’t do anything inappropriate. Sounds like you need his services. 😉
I do! Sounds like an interesting job to have lol
Lol!! This is hilarious- I definitely am the MOST socially awkward person ever, so can relate!!
We should start a club 😀
Nahhh, you don’t need anyone – it’s THAT woman that needs to lighten up a little 🙂
I agree to an extent haha. Definitely needs a bit more of a sense of humor!
I am a sufferer of SA >>> Blaaaagh! Since I can remember! Blaaaagh! And there is no way to stop it! Confirmed! Blaaaagh! Glad to find someone of similar whatever it is!!!! LOL
Welcome to the weirdo club 😀 (I say that in a good, positive, nice way of course. Weird people kick ass)
You, comrade, are awesome! 😀
Well thanks 😀
You are very funny and wonderful to be able to laugh at your awkwardness. This is how I make people feel at ease. A person who can laugh at their mistakes can’t be a threat to another, now can they! Loved it!!
Thank you! I totally agree 🙂
I literally laughed out loud when I finished reading this post!
Thanks 😀 I’m glad !
this was absolutely fantastic!!!
Thank you 🙂
This is so me!!! Lol!!
🙂 glad I’m not alone haha
I cant find the awkward part of your insightful helping lesson. What if SHE needed hemorrhoid cream?
Right? I’d probably be a good pharmacy employee. She should have been happy I was kind enough to ask about her hemorrhoids lol
Bwhahahahaha. You don’t need an adult nanny. You need to get a job at a comedy club.