now accepting applications

Today my social anxiety and awkwardness claimed another victim. I really don’t know how I’ve made it so long without being monitored in public. I need to hire an adult nanny so they can help me from making a fool of myself. All I need is a social companion. Do those exist? Should I hire someone? Anyone need a job hanging out and being emotional support to a woman on the brink of crazy-town? Unlimited Wi-Fi and Diet Coke available. Games and activities like Exploding Kittens and brownie-eating-competitions will be provided. (Just don’t blow up my real cats, okay?)

(This started as a joke, but now there’s a part of me that really wants to hire someone who will do all of that with me. A sad testament to how little friends I have that it’s come to the point I’d consider paying someone to be one. Loser alert. It’s hard being an adult.)


On to today’s victim in the pharmacy: 

Woman: Excuse me, I know you don’t work here… but can I ask you something?

Me: Sure. Unless it’s about condoms. I don’t use those so I don’t really have any legitimate advice on them. If I were you, I’d go with the ones that emphasize the woman’s pleasure though. Why the hell not, right? You’re the one here buying them. It’s okay being selfish sometimes.

Woman: Oh…

Me: I know what you’re thinking, but it was an educated and personal decision of ours. I’m married. Happily married even!

Woman: … I was just going to ask you if you knew where the Claritin was…

Me: Oh.. uh.. sorry. It’s right over there. Next to the hemorrhoid creams. Which, thankfully, I also don’t need to use. *nervous laughter*

*Woman stares at me with wide eyes and runs away*

182 thoughts on “now accepting applications

  1. carolineturriff says:

    You’re so funny! Can’t your husband be your “social companion” isn’t that part of the job description? Then you can be a bit of a Stepford Wife and he can answer all the questions so you don’t put your foot in it!

  2. aviets says:

    Wow, this SO sounds like a conversation I would have. I put it down to my extreme introversion – when someone leaps out at me with a gorilla-attack interaction, I freak out and stream-of-consciousness crap comes out of my mouth. Usually I think what I have to say is hilarious, but the unsuspecting stranger goes away thinking I’m just totally friggin’ nuts.

  3. pixieannie says:

    Only you…or possibly me. I’m always mistaken for a shop assistant and the last time this happened, the guy insisted I worked at B and Q and that I shouldn’t be so cheeky as cheeky girls get punished…what the fucking fuck? Blair, my sweet…if I lived a little closer, I’d be there in about ten minutes, with matching jammies and foot cream. Do I get the job?

  4. nissetje says:

    I would be your social companion. Well, perhaps more of an observer. Basically I would document these interactions and you would have your own condom-and-hemorrhoids YouTube channel.

    I don’t actually mean that as creepy-stalker as it kinda sounds. 🙂

  5. babbitman says:

    Aaah, this takes me back to when I was an awkward teenager, desperate for sex with my girlfriend and therefore desperate for condoms. I had previously acquired a couple of ‘nodders’ (as we used to refer to them) from some alternative sources but really needed a proper supply. So I got my meagre cash, cycled to the pharmacy and then realised I had two problems. Not being the kind of shop I frequented, my first problem was that I had no idea where they were likely to be, so I bumbled around browsing every bloody shelf. When I did eventually find them, I was confronted with my second problem: they came in packets of twelve (twelve! Christ, I only needed three or four!) and were more expensive than I had bargained on. They cost more than I had on me. So, after staring furiously at them for a minute or so, I wandered over to the woman at the till, bought some mints and left as nonchalantly as I could manage.

      • babbitman says:

        It’s a term used in my home city but I’ve only heard it used once by an outsider (and they were still from the same region). No idea if people still call them nodders, which is a shame because it’s a hilariously apt term for a very weird product!

  6. twistingsuburbia says:

    I am still beating myself up over a comment I made the other day*. It was something I have said a dozen times to people who know me. Made the mistake of saying it to an acquaintance, and they looked Truly Horrified *comment withheld to protect the innocent (or in this case, the guilty). Love your blog.

  7. Patricia says:

    You need a Keeper! That is what my Mother calls my boyfriend, my Keeper. He keeps me on task and from talking to strangers in stores or from offering free advice to the patients in my therapists waiting room. Until my Invisibility Cloak comes through he is the best I can do. He also rubs feet really well.

  8. Rising Hawk says:

    Hahaha! I have NO friends – seriously. And I have a vibe, I guess, (I’m told by my wife), that keeps people from even approaching me 99% of the time. I’m not mean but, somehow, manage to intimidate people – maybe because I’m tall and look like I’m about kick some righteous ass all the time? Hmmm . . . maybe that’s it 😉 Anyway, funny post, and I feel your pain!

  9. Charlene says:

    Noooooo you didn’t…that’s really funny because I am just the total opposite introvert where I don’t want to talk to people in stores and I will wander around mumbling to myself wondering where the hell is stuff until I find it or just leave. We might be a good match. You start to talk, look at me, I shake my head NO, and it ends right there. We both get to hang out with people and keep each other in check. No diet coke required on my part.

  10. plainmama says:

    I think they call what you want “a handler”. It would prove useful for most of us. And you could add the not needing hemorrhoid cream to your handler ad.

  11. itsKelliJo says:

    I can hardly wait ’til the next time someone stops me in a store to ask a question! Truly amazing – you can’t make this stuff up. Unless you do, and even then it’s hilarious! And maybe a little mortifying for the other person.

  12. wanderwolf says:

    Wow.Are you really that hilarious in real life? I love it! Maybe it’s the total honesty? Good thing.
    Too bad you’re too far away. I’d be your adult nanny. I’ve had a lot of practice with my brother, but for many different reasons. 🙂

  13. gigglingfattie says:

    I would like to submit my application to be your social buddy. You’ll just have to wait until December 1st when my contract is over here. However, I must warn you, I might just make things worse. That conversation sounded amazing! And one I would probably just make worse by chirping in on the side lol

  14. hannahdestiny27 says:

    Lol! Funny thing though, I work at a pharmacy. Whenever I’m working out front, I always hope that no one asks me for help with condoms or other similar products. Who KNOWS what my response would be, haha!

  15. Weird Guy With The Dog says:

    Socially awkward…try being the weird guy with the dog! Talk about strange looks when I buy peanut butter! 🙂

  16. Heather Nemec says:

    Bahaha! I have been in situations like that, too. Said some weird random crap out loud and wondered “what is wrong with you?!”. I think everyone has done something like that at least once in their life. Wish I could have seen the look on her face.

  17. spartacus2030 says:

    It’s OK Clair… My real name is: ‘Big Gallute!’ You know I once fell over by stepping on my own foot! I was nervously calling after a girl I was interested in, and forgot what my foot was doing! When I have to ask a meaningful question of someone, my voice quivers like a song in an old Vampire movie! I bump into things because I deny their existence! I wish I were dead, and then start to die and panic! Gee… I hope we never bump into each other… Literally… Oh. BTW… Your post was a SCREAM!!!

  18. Battle Born Knits & more... says:

    How did you know about that day at the store and the woman who asked me about Zyrtec? I am continually wondering if I actually said that out loud…hang in there…you don’t need a keeper, but if you really want an applicant I am in! 😀

  19. hotmessmemoir says:

    So like, you know how at midnight there will be these awful commercials for finding a Russian “companion”? Maybe you could start a company where you match friends. And your tag line could be just like Just For Men. “I’m not only the spokesperson but I’m also a client.” I don’t know…

  20. galeweithers says:

    Loved, loved, loved this post and thanks for the smile! I agree that anyone asking someone other than a store assistant for help deserves whatever answers they get. So that being said, I will be on the look out for all of those resting (and don’t you dare bother me) faces whenever I’m in a store in the future … just because 🙂

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