i’m a skilled magician

In 2014, I ghosted my best friend of 15 years. You know, totally fell of the face of the Earth and dropped all forms of contact with her. I’m not proud of it. There is no denying this is the coward’s way out. But sometime’s you’ve gotta gotta fight fire with fire when you’re dealing with toxic people, and in this case, fighting with fire means doing some totally cool and unnerdy magic tricks and making myself disappear. Abracadabra!

toxicpeople

(Photo credit goes to littlebiddy. Go check out their blog!)

I was trying to end my friendship with her years ago… and then she got engaged to my brother. Awkward, right? It wasn’t worth it  to put my entire family at war with each other, so I dealt with her. Even when she broke into my house. Then again when she stole money from me. I even shrugged it off when she told me she had a thing for my dad. (100% true. Sick, isn’t it?) When they called their engagement off, she told me, “It’s no big deal. I’m realizing now I didn’t care about being married to your brother, I just wanted to be part of your family so bad.” Her obsession with my family still gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Part of me wishes I went about it more maturely. Part of me wishes I was more outspoken about it. Part of me doesn’t regret it at all. This chick was toxic and brought out the worst in me. It was pure insanity.

Life is just too short for some of this bullshit.

Some people just shouldn’t be in your life, you know? Have you ever been ghosted? Ghosted someone? Had someone date your sibling or want to bang your dad? Cringe

(PS – The majority of people don’t deserve to be ghosted. People deserve closure. Unless they steal your shit and break into your house, do them a favor and just let them know why you don’t like them and honor them by telling them to piss off. Being up front always works.)

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206 thoughts on “i’m a skilled magician

  1. Ilona Elliott says:

    I think in some cases, such as yours, ghosting is warranted. I did it to a friend once who was actually a nice enough person but was always unloading on me with trivial problems, even when my father was losing limbs to diabetes and being slowly eliminated piece by piece. I never told her how immature and self focused she was being, but eventually just dropped her with no explanation. I always felt bad about how poorly I handled that. I’ve also had one of my brother’s girlfriends tell me about cheating on him on Spring Break and another brother’s wife tell me how she cheated on my brother with a friend of his in the Navy. That sucked. Big suck. They were still in relationships at the time.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      What’s with people messing with our brothers? This girl cheated on my brother too, then happily told me about it. (In a bragging sort of way. High-five!) It pissed me off to no end. Some people are so self-absorbed they don’t take into consideration what other people are going through. It’s sad. I’m sorry to hear about your father. That sounds terrible :\

      • Ilona Elliott says:

        I would probably handle things differently now–like tell my brother your lady is a cheating bitch.
        Yeah, Dad suffered miserably but he still maintained a sense of humor–almost until the bitter end. When he lost it, I knew we would lost him very very soon. Thanks for your sympathy.

  2. shenrydafrankmann says:

    I want to say something sarcastic but, dang it, this is too serious of a blog. Oh, and “toxic” is not the word that comes to mind. That girl sounds like she was capable of chopping up your family and feeding you to your cats.

  3. Lone Grey Squirrel says:

    I don’t think I have intentionally ghosted anyone but I did disappear off many people’s radar just because I moved about and was terrible at keeping in touch. But there were a couple of friends that I somehow managed to reconnect with and then lost and then reconnected with (repeat cycle) over the years purely by accident. So perhaps we were fated to remain friends despite my best efforts at neglect.

    As for your brother’s ex-fiance, I am surprise you referred to her as your “best friend for 15 years”. You were very tolerant.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      It’s a sad testament to how terrible my pool of friends was. I’ve always been a bit of a ‘loner’ lol. When we were young (age 14ish) she was a great friend. I held on for a long time when I shouldn’t have. I’m terrible at keeping in touch too. Even when it’s someone I WANT to keep in touch with. Strange.

  4. Tony Single says:

    Good lord. Kinda glad she’s out of your life then! I think you doing a little ghosting to be rid of her for good is not bad thing at all! I get your point about no one deserving to be ghosted though, and I happen to agree with you on that. I’ve actually been ghosted a few times myself, and it’s always felt quite horrible. Did I deserve this? To be honest, no, but there you have it. People can be pretty crappy to each other when they wanna be. I guess that’s just how things can roll.

  5. Nyx says:

    In 2006, I ran away from home. Like packed a bag, hopped a flight, and flew to the other side of the planet ran away from home. Ghosted my entire biological group. Or something. (Still working on the labels I want to use because ‘family’, ‘mother’, ‘father’, etc are definitely not it.) I felt bad about it later and tried to address the issues so we could all have a relationship like real, live adults.

    Then they ghosted me. XD (Wasn’t going to put a smile, but I did chuckle out loud, so…)

    What I’m trying to get around to say is that I try not to judge. You never know. Had you spoken up, something a hell of a lot worse could have happened. You wake up one night to her crouching gargoyle-style on your front fence, maniacally grinning while she says, “I like to collect your haaaaair.”

  6. Worlds Biggest Fridge Magnet says:

    I have ghosted a couple of people. It is easier to take the higher moral ground, weather their issues and weirdness and eventually the lack of contact will get through and we get our lives back but there is nothing shittier than a nutcase weedling into your family or friend circle and all you want to do is tell them to Foxtrot Oscar…..

  7. circumstance227 says:

    A week after my first stepfather’s funeral, his three grown up kids from his first marriage showed up at my mom’s house with a moving van. They proceed to take everything that had belonged to their dad before his marriage to my mom – dishes from the kitchen, an old TV set, various pieces of furniture, etc. etc.
    You bet your a** we ghosted them.

  8. hughcurtler says:

    I have never thought of it but I think I was “ghosted” by a friend I knew from college whom I used to write to on occasion. He mentioned that he had worked for “the company” at one point and I took it to mean the CIA. When I asked him if that’s what he did I never heard from him again. Not toxic, I suppose. But creepy.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      Veeery mysterious lol. That would drive me insane with curiosity. I’m even curious and I don’t know him 😀 Maybe he gave away too much information to you and, well, the government made him disappear. The conspiracy theories are going full force in my head right now lol

  9. lorithenaz says:

    You have to ghost with people of the toxic persuasion because more often than not they are narcissists that thrive on drama so they can’t handle hearing that someone wants to cancel their subscription to their issues. I’ve done it 4 times and they’ve never come back seeking closure. They don’t desire to hear anything negative about themselves. It works! Don’t question the art of ghosting….just trust it.

  10. jennlives says:

    There was no way to end that relationship “maturely” she sounds mentally ill. Breaking into your house and taking money is hardly part of friendship. Ghosting was probably the best way to handle that situation.

    I’ve broken ties with toxic people and situations because they were making me so unhappy I found myself avoiding life. My divorce was a huge transition for me and I disengaged from probably 20 people. Oh the drama.

    I was amazed at how much better I felt! I was pretty lonely for awhile but I knew it was the right thing to do and even still, I felt so much better. A lot of them didn’t even notice or care that I was gone..

    I’ve also, inadvertently, been the toxic party. Also, this was around the time I went through the divorce. I was very anxious and paranoid and a real live drag and all I did was whine and moan to a specific friend. Like I would seriously dump on her.. She hasn’t talked to me in a couple years and I don’t blame her. I tried to apologize and she was pretty shitty so I just let her go.. Kinda sad, we grew up together. She has a lot of stress her her life so it was really unfair to make her my sounding board all the time..

    Interesting enough though, she’s also the friend who was in a serious bad relationship where the guy strangled her and left her for dead in her garage. For probably two months she was covered in bruises, her eyes were bruised and the capillaries were ruptured so they looked bloodshot. She literally had handprint bruises around her neck and body.. She didn’t report it to the police AND she took him back after he fled because he thought he killed her…

    I was there for her through all of that.. I objected to the relationship but I was there for it.. I wouldn’t allow him at my house, but I was still there for her..

    Strange but me whining about my own woes compared to what she was putting herself through probably seemed like nothing..

    Or we were kind of toxic to each other..

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      I can totally understand how someone can mistakenly become a toxic friend during a stressful time in their life. I cannot grasp how someone can forgive someone who left them for dead. What the hell? That’s disturbing and sad.

  11. frithe13th says:

    That is a crazy story! I had a similarly weird situation like yours. My good friend of 8 yrs decided one day she would no longer be friends with me without telling me why. I had to hear about our “breakup” via a mutual friend…so to this day, I have no idea why she was so mad at me! I was confused, angry and annoyed at her lack of reasoning and logic at the time. I’m also a very reciprocal person so I unfriended and blocked her on Facebook the instant I heard about this. I have put her in the past but my mutual friend says she still asks about me from time to time which really confuses the heck out of me. If you’re so mysteriously mad at me, why care about whether I got married or bought a house or whatever? Listen, there are illogically toxic people out there and it is our misfortune to have known them.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      That’s strange. Your mutual friend didn’t know why she was mad at you either? I wonder if she just asked about you because she’s jealous. Keeping tabs about marriage and house buying seems like it might be slightly fueled by envy to me. Not sure why lol

      • frithe13th says:

        Girl, I took one stab at trying to figure this shiz out at the beginning. The mutual friend is also clueless about it but my goal is to just cut her out of my life. I mean, if this were a game I’d be the winner ;). You’re right; maybe she is just jealous of my boogie.

  12. chattykerry says:

    I have ghosted a couple of people although none as bad as your ‘friend’. I can’t stand FB because of the way they hunt you down. I am still ignoring comments on my hidden FB page even thought it feels rude. Today, a random if handsome guy found me on LinkedIn and I had met him once at an association meeting. Where did they find the link or has he been stalking me? Eeeeek!

  13. samanthamurdochblog says:

    I didn’t speak to my sister for over ten years, then she took me by surprise when I was in the local supermarket armed with nothing more offensive than a courgette…being innately polite I felt duty bound to respond but she was always the worst kind of psychic and emotional vampire…what do you do with these sorts of people??

  14. KatieComeBack says:

    Sometimes ghosting is the best. It’s not less mature – it’s MORE mature to know when it’s warranted.

    You have to put your own survival first – like the airlines say…your mask first, then help others.

    In the case of an energy vampire, or drama llama, they don’t come around if there is nothing to eat. By engaging in conversation, you’re feeding the drama. Cut and run is the only logical solution – deprive the energy vampire of a source of fuel, don’t leave out corncobs for the stupid drama llama….

  15. thisendoftheswamp says:

    I’ve been ghosted a couple of times. Once, I feel I deserved it; a friend unloaded to me quite often about her husband, and when she told me their youngest had left the nest, I suggested she “hand him the mitten”. Unsolicited marital advice is not wise, no matter how well you think you know the other person.

    The other one still bugs me. I had been friends with Julia sine we were fourteen, She and her husband were godparents to my two oldest children, stood by me when I was married to the Late and Unlamented, and we visited back and forth – a bit of a Big Deal, as this was pre-Interstate and they lived in NYC and we live north of Baltimore. A few years after The Squire and I got married, I stopped hearing from her. Wrote a few times, called once, and then let it drop. I did send her an invitation to our eldest daughter’s wedding, and she called me to ask, “You’ll do anything o get my attention, won’t you” Huh? I did remind her that Tina WAS her godchild, and she came to the wedding – alone – than came over to the house to chat. Tina’s been married almost 34 years, and I’ve never heard from her again. Never did figure out what I’d done to annoy her.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      Wow, that’s strange! “You’ll do anything to get my attention” … Why wouldn’t you if you were friends for so long and never did anything wrong? Maybe your ex said some unkind words to her about you. Sounds like there’s some sabotage going on!

  16. fikalo [Fiona] says:

    Heh. Sometimes I do this to my husband’s family of origin just to remind myself why I don’t want to resurrect any kind of relationship with them. Love my husband, just wish he hadn’t come from a family of pathological narcissists. One of them started adding my own extended family on facebook, even though she doesn’t know them, so then I find myself wondering what my aunties and her are talking about.

      • fikalo [Fiona] says:

        So far I haven’t heard anything of my aunties, though I am planning to. My own parents who once asked if the in-law in question was always so rude – they were confused by the tone of some messages they received from one of the in-laws. And my husband has shown me some of the many emails from his parents and siblings where they’re ranting about how much they hate me. You know, I forget sometimes that it’s not normal, healthy behaviour, I’ve been putting up with it for so long. (And they wonder why I’m in therapy now?!)

  17. usabaker says:

    I’ve been ghosting a high school friend for more then 36 years but she never stops trying to get back into my life. She’s tried recruiting people to talk to me for her, find me on social media and send me messages though forums. Sick puppy…..

  18. Anxious Mom says:

    I tried to back away from a new friend who turned out to be a creeper last year, but she was scarily relentless in maintaining the “friendship,” so as far as she knows we are besties who just don’t ever see each other and have limited text conversations.

  19. Pan says:

    I just go for the upfront, “go away because of (insert reason) and stay out of my life”

    Not for their closure but for mine.. And I want them to get the message clearly..

    I don’t consider it mean to be honest with toxic people.. It is being kind to yourself though 😊

  20. Adventures in Cat Fostering says:

    I had a friend once, whose solution to conflict was to not speak to people. At all. Even her family. (She once went four months without speaking to her mother — and they work together!) She pulled this on me once, for an outrageous reason (whole other story) but after six months or so, another friend in crisis brought us back together. It was short lived; she did it again and there’s been no contact since. It’s too bad. She’s not toxic, exactly, and we had some great times but you never knew what would set her off.

    • Blair (The Shameful Sheep) says:

      That’s a very strange way to deal with something. Although, I’m kind of impressed she went an entire month not talking to someone she works with. How do you even manage that? It had to have been super awkward. And it was probably way too much effort.

  21. Po' Girl Shines says:

    I had a best friend from high school that was such a sweet person. We became fast friends I think because she was from a dysfunctional family like myself. There were times that she couldn’t like with her family for various reasons and my mother let her stay with us off and on. We stayed friends somehow for many years, til long after our kids graduated high school even though we parted drastically on how we lived our lives. We finally stopped talking after I blew up and told her she needed to get a job because she was very lazy and borrowed and wanted favors but could never be there for me when I needed her. I felt guilty that I just didn’t maturely point out why I was angry after all those years, but she never wanted to know so I left it alone even when her adult daughter was trying to get me to speak to her again. Sadly she did pass away before we made much contact again other than, “tell your mom I said I” “Mom says hi” type stuff, not that I actually wanted to hang out with her again, it was sad to lose a one time good friend.

  22. LionAroundWriting says:

    Fuck em. Ghosting it is the only way to go sometimes. Its better than keeping a friendship alive for the hell of it.
    When someone is confrontational however then direct measures are sometimes needed.
    But generally nothing says fuck you like disappearing.

  23. L. van Ree says:

    The girl was a bunglecunt. A bunglecunt that probably needed therapy, as is so often the case with bunglecunts. Don’t take the burden of giving closure to a bunglecunt. It would only make you a burdencunt. No one wants to be a burdencunt, except bunglecunts maybe.

    Am I using that word correctly?

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