this is a TMI situation

On Tuesdays, I always like to share a random trivia fact. It’s usually something freakishly weird like stories of strangers licking each other, or Disney’s obsession with pussy. (Yes, I love puns. So what?) This time… I’m sharing facts about myself. I’m freakishly weird… so it counts, right? You better say yes, damn it!  I get multiple emails every week asking me things about myself or my blog, so I thought it would be fun for me to share some stuff here so you may get a better idea of who I am. I hope y’all will share something with me, too. That’s how friendship works, you know. 

If you thought I was weird already – it’s only going to get worse from here.

10 freakishly weird facts about a freakishly weird person (me!) :

1. There are multiple shows that are geared towards teens that I still watch. It’s pretty embarrassing at the age of 29 but I can’t help myself. Pretty Little Liars. Dance Moms. The list goes on. (Hey… don’t judge me)

2. I make up dances all the time for random things. I have a made up dance for pizza. A dance for dessert. A dance for my in-laws dog. (Which he loves. He thinks I’m playing so he gets excited and bolts around.) One I do for my cats. I even made up a dance that I make my cats do. Those poor things.

3. I would rather watch the same reruns of the same shows over and over rather than watch something new. I like knowing what to expect rather than risk watching something new and hating it. I’ve seen the same Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, and The Middle episodes dozens of times. (There are many more shows, but I’ll spare you from the list)

4. I absolutely detest social media. I think most people here know that already, but I wanted to add it in.

5. I like spending more time with kids than adults. I often consider going back to school to become a preschool teacher or becoming certified to open a day care. (Would you trust me with your kids? Hahahaha)

6. I grew up in a staunch Republican house with parents that were obsessed with politics and unwilling to hear other perspectives. Now I avoid politics like the plague.

7. I spend hours a day reading other people’s blogs because I love finding connections and meeting new people. I don’t make friends easily in person. I think I come off a little crazy.

8. I’m absolutely petrified of waves and undertow. I grew up going to the Caribbean every year and never had an issue until I was about 20. Even though I live in NC and often go to the beach in the summer, I haven’t gone into the ocean any further than my ankles in years.

9. Here’s a deeply personal one that I didn’t think I’d ever share. I had a lot of mental issues when I was young, and was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder. It took many years for me to get out of that darkness. It wasn’t easy. I think it’s the main reason I focus on humor instead of anything serious when I write. I like keeping things light-hearted after suffering for so long.

10. I collect magnets from different countries and have over 100 of them. No, I didn’t go to all of these places, but my parents did. Every time they go on a trip, I’m gifted with a handful of magnets. It started off as a joke… but it stuck. Pretty nerdy, right?

 

Do you have a freakishly weird fact to share or a question to ask? We’re all friends here. You can email me them if you’d rather share them in private @    theshamefulsheep@gmail.com

there are some strange people out there

Fun Fact: If you lick someone’s elbow while they aren’t paying attention, they won’t feel it

Get those mouths ready, friends! Time to go put our tongues on some weenises!

Have any of you tried this before?  Apparently there’s some YouTubers who film themselves doing this to random schmucks as some sort of game. Are you brave enough to walk up and put your tongue on a random person and risk being caught? Because that wouldn’t be awkward or anything…

( In case you didn’t know – ‘weenis’ is the term for the flap of skin on your elbow)

Watch. Be disturbed. Get out there and lick some shit.

tutus are not okay

Fun Fact: Americans spend more money on pets in a year than Germany spends on its entire defense budget.

Damn right we do! Let’s face it… animals are better than people. There’s no chance Fido is going to hit on your husband and tell your mutual friends that he plans to grab his ass and pretend it was an accident. I doubt Lady Meowington gives a shit if you roll out of bed with Cheeto dust in your hair because you haven’t bothered to shower for a few days. She’d probably like you even more.

People suck. So… go on friends. Go out and buy a heated pet bed. Some specialty food. Spend $200+ dollars on a tree your cat is going to rip to shreds. A pink tutu for your dog. Okay, don’t do that last one. Dogs shouldn’t be in tutus. Seriously… don’t. You copy?

(I have an off topic question – have any of you gone from wordpress.com to .org? Did you have issues? Did you lose your followers? Comments? Do you still have access to the WP Reader? Yes, I’m slow and terrible with computers. Help a girl out!)

you are one nosy s.o.b

People are weird as hell. I am no exception. (Neither are you!) For some reason I have the incessant desire to snoop through the bathroom cabinets when I’m in a person’s house for the first time. Terrible, right? But, the contents of your cabinets and drawers tell a lot about you. Plus, I think I have the right to know what kind of crazy shit I may be dealing with here. It would be nice to be sure that, you know, you didn’t invite me over to harvest my organs or shove a plastic bag of heroin up my butt. There’s no way I’m schlepping over the Mexican border for you, asshole.

So, if you are inviting me over for some of your prize-winning chili and a rousing game of Pictionary for the first time – there is a good chance I will be rummaging through your bathroom. Hide your pill bottles, your condom stash, and your Preparation H. Do me a favor and don’t leave a pile of dirty crusted over undies on the closet floor. (Not that I’m going to touch or go through your underwear – I’m not that crazy – but I will help myself to opening the door if it’s closed.) And, for the love of God, please refrain from leaving a pile of wet hair swirled around on the wall of the shower or leave a new douching kit proudly out on the counter. There’s no way I’m going to see a douche out on a counter and not make a joke about it. Embarrassment will ensue, my dear. 

Thanks for your consideration. This is the first step to a successful lifelong friendship with a crazy person. (e.g. ME)

Have you ever nosed your way through someone’s bathroom? Ever find something alarmingly weird?  Don’t be ashamed, folks. Here’s a Fun Fact: 40% of people who come to your home for a party snoop in your medicine cabinets.

anyone up for a break-in?

Fun Fact: There are over 200 feral cats that live in Disneyland. They are fed, fixed, and cared for by Disney staff. The cats come around at night after the crowds are gone, and used to control the mice population. Watch out Mickey, you little shit. There’s a claw coming your way.

Anyone else think Disney at night would be fun as hell? A theme park full of 200 cats. Much better than the typical loud, poop-scented, temper-tantrum-throwing crowd you usually have to put up with. This is my idea of the happiest place on earth. Rock on, Disney. Pussy lovers unite!

 (Tora-kitten is now a die-hard Disney fan)

that’s not weird or anything

Over Christmas, I stood in the middle of a dirty and crowded Wal-Mart aisle for twenty minutes considering whether or not to buy a toy moped that matched the cat-like Monster High dolls my 9-year-old niece has. I mean, this thing was pretty damn awesome – you could decorate it with stickers, the black ‘paint’ was super shiny with zebra stripes, and I knew her dolls would look really awesome zooming around on it in their cute dresses and their perfectly high-lighted hair flying behind them. She’d love it. No doubt. I knew this would make her Christmas. Until Alex pointed out that it wasn’t what she asked for.

I honestly felt a little bit disappointed. I looked forward to her opening it, then asking me to play with her. Then, I realized there’s a 98% chance I’m teetering on the brink of insanity because I thought it was so cool I considered buying the damn dolls and their matching moped for myself.  Nobody would know, right? Alex wouldn’t tell my secret. A 29-year-old married woman starting her own Monster High collection… that’s not too weird or anything. (Except…it is 100% weird as hell and someone should have busted into that Wal-Mart and bitch slapped me across  the face two times. Once for thinking of buying it. Twice for going into Wal-Mart in the first place.)

The truth is – I don’t think I’ll ever grow up. I still zip my high-heel boots up over my hidden Batman socks. I prefer seeing an animated family movie over any other genre.  Feeding the ducks and making a stuffed animal at Build-A-Bear seems like a great afternoon. A game of Clue and hot chocolate tops off the perfect night. I don’t know how I ended up so weird.

Which leads me to a… Fun Fact: People with awkward and weird personalities tend to make the best friends. 

So… anyone want to come play a rousing game of Clue with me while Finding Nemo plays in the background? Bonus – I even have some peppermint hot chocolate leftover from Christmas to share.

a question of sanity

Fun Fact: Some people wear adult diapers in NYC on New Year’s Eve to accommodate for the big crowd and lack of available bathrooms.

Guys… I don’t even know what to say here. Why would you choose to stroll around in your own urine all night? Do you really want to hug and embrace your loved one, plant a kiss under the fireworks, and ring in the new year with a hot loaded diaper sagging down your skinny jeans? This may sound pretty romantic to some, but this isn’t my idea of a great start to the year. If it’s yours, well… more power to you, I guess. (Not really. Y’all are pretty weird.)

Would you soil yourself for the opportunity to spend NYE in Times Square? Have you done this already?! I’m afraid to know the truth, but the curiosity is killing me.

it all makes sense now

Fun Fact: Witzelsucht is a rare disease characterized by someone who can’t stop making puns, saying inappropriate jokes, or telling pointless stories when it’s socially unacceptable.

Well… I’m feeling pretty validated right now because I finally have an answer for all the times I couldn’t help but tell an inappropriate story in a room full of strangers, only to be met with eyes of glaring judgment. Or share some terribly cliche puns about farting at the ripe age of 29. From now on, every time someone questions my sense of humor, calls me tasteless, or points out that I’m unladylike… I’m going to refer them to this post.

So, guys… I have a condition. (Thanks for pointing it out) There are times I must tell you my stories about yellow snow, farting, blow jobs, and experiences of hump-happy dogs. Don’t be offended by my tales. Just blame it on the Witzelsucht. 

get your clothes off the floor, karen

Fun Fact: The word “slut” was originally used to describe a woman who didn’t keep her room clean.

All of those years in school I thought people slut-shaming me had no basis. Turns out I was wrong this whole time. I loved being slutty in my room when I was younger. Luckily, for my husband, I don’t participate in that lifestyle anymore. No sluttyness here. I have high standards for keeping the dirtiness out. That’s what happens when you’re married.

don’t push a moose out of a plane

It’s T-T-T-Tuesday. Which means: it’s trivia day. Normally, I just share a fact, but I thought it would be fun to cover more of a topic this time. Are you ready?  Here we go, friends.

Topic of the day: Outdated and ridiculous laws that are still in effect. Making you wonder the reasons they were once necessary in the first place and what idiots needed these stipulations.

United States:

1. You are not allowed to keep an ice cream cone in your back pocket. (Alabama)
2. It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane (Alaska)
3. It is a $500 fine to instruct a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to your friend without them knowing. (Louisiana)
4. Elephants my not be used to plow cotton fields (North Carolina)
5. Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM. (New York)
6. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (California)

And, a few international ones:

1. It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance. (United Kingdom)
2. Citizens may not publicly remove bandages. (Canada)
3. No pig may be addressed as Napoleon by its owner. (France)
4. It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday (Australia)

 

If you are curious what stupid laws there are in your state or country, visit here: www.dumblaws.com  – There are countless of them.

Now, who lives in New York and wants to bake cookies and offer them to a police officer while they wear slippers tonight just to see what happens?

Anyone in Australia feel the need to wear their hot pink pants this Sunday? Wait… does anybody even own hot pink pants anymore?