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Today my social anxiety and awkwardness claimed another victim. I really don’t know how I’ve made it so long without being monitored in public. I need to hire an adult nanny so they can help me from making a fool of myself. All I need is a social companion. Do those exist? Should I hire someone? Anyone need a job hanging out and being emotional support to a woman on the brink of crazy-town? Unlimited Wi-Fi and Diet Coke available. Games and activities like Exploding Kittens and brownie-eating-competitions will be provided. (Just don’t blow up my real cats, okay?)

(This started as a joke, but now there’s a part of me that really wants to hire someone who will do all of that with me. A sad testament to how little friends I have that it’s come to the point I’d consider paying someone to be one. Loser alert. It’s hard being an adult.)

makingfriends

On to today’s victim in the pharmacy: 

Woman: Excuse me, I know you don’t work here… but can I ask you something?

Me: Sure. Unless it’s about condoms. I don’t use those so I don’t really have any legitimate advice on them. If I were you, I’d go with the ones that emphasize the woman’s pleasure though. Why the hell not, right? You’re the one here buying them. It’s okay being selfish sometimes.

Woman: Oh…

Me: I know what you’re thinking, but it was an educated and personal decision of ours. I’m married. Happily married even!

Woman: … I was just going to ask you if you knew where the Claritin was…

Me: Oh.. uh.. sorry. It’s right over there. Next to the hemorrhoid creams. Which, thankfully, I also don’t need to use. *nervous laughter*

*Woman stares at me with wide eyes and runs away*

want to have a dance party?

Social gatherings are a butt-clenching experience for me. I’m not too bad holding a conversation one-on-one, but with a lot of people? Terrible. Just terrible. You know when you’re somewhere noisy and trying to have a conversation so you speak louder? And all of a sudden, there’s this wave of silence and you find yourself shouting something ultra embarrassing like “THEN HE TOLD ME I HAD A BROWN STAIN ON THE BACK OF MY PANTS.” Everyone stares at you awkwardly like they did when you passed out in college and didn’t know your friends drew dicks all over your face. Well… I feel like I have dicks on my face every day.

kyledicks

I thought my social anxiety would get better as I aged — but it seems to be doing the opposite. I guess I will forever be the awkward adult drawing cat pictures at the kids table, talking about My Little Pony, and throwing dance parties while everyone else is drinking beer and watching football in the other room. At least I’m the favorite aunt, I guess. You win some, you lose some, you know?

Socially savvy people — I will forever be envious of you. I don’t know how you do it.

Off topic: I read somewhere that the weekend before Thanksgiving has the highest rate of relationship break-ups in the US. What a way to start the holidays, right? Good luck out there today, guys.

(Photo Credit : South Park/Comedy Central)

everyone should have a food baby in heaven

As an adult, sometimes I dread having to make important decisions. Unfortunately, whether we want to or not, everyone has to do it. It comes with the territory. Like today, after a painstaking hour of determining what the right thing to do was, I decided to turn down going to a “chili challenge” in favor of going running. (You know, those awesome festivals where you leave with a food baby in your stomach after you pack down 15 different flavors of the same food. This is what I imagine heaven is like.)

chili

After I started the run, I had instant regret. It was cold, rainy, muddy, and it left me wanting something hot and comforting. Just like…. chili. Damn it. Screw you, adulthood. Stop trying to make me more responsible.

fallrun

Which one would you choose? Chili tasting or a run? Relaxing or productive? It’s a hard call to make on a Sunday.

On a totally different note: I’m in the process of changing the title, domain, layout, etc. of my blog. It’s going to be some variation of “The Shameful Sheep.” Please keep your eyes peeled, guys. I don’t want to lose any of y’all.