pro tip: keep your pants on

Saturday morning my niece thought it would be hilarious to pants me at our family brunch in the middle of talking to my father-in-law. Yep, there I was… standing, minding my own business and talking about how easy it was to make sloppy joes… and down came the pants. I wasn’t sure if I should be more embarrassed by the fact I hadn’t shaved above the knee in a few days, or that my underwear had cat whiskers on it. Either way – mortifying. You’re welcome for the show, Dad. Me-ow.

For some reason my nieces and nephews don’t look at me like I’m a 30-year-old adult, but rather a very large child. Which means any time they are around I’m usually limping around the house pretending to be a purple giraffe that got it’s leg run over by a rogue safari Jeep or something along those lines. It’s better than wine and cheese, really. It’s fun. It’s crazy. It’s a goddamn blessing. It saves me from a lot of awkwardly boring small talk. (Social anxiety’s mortal enemy.) Who the hell wants to spend family time talking about politics and car issues anyway? I’m good on that, thanks.

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Pro-tip to my fellow adult-sized children: wear a belt. Nobody want’s to see your kitty’s whiskers.

Hope y’all have a good weekend and are successful in keeping your pants on. Unless, well, you know

(PS- Sorry if you got the ‘new post’email twice. I posted it on accident yesterday when I wanted to post it today. Forgive me! I hate when people repost their same blogs over and over just to get more views, so I feel ya. It won’t happen again, folks)

 

now accepting applications

Today my social anxiety and awkwardness claimed another victim. I really don’t know how I’ve made it so long without being monitored in public. I need to hire an adult nanny so they can help me from making a fool of myself. All I need is a social companion. Do those exist? Should I hire someone? Anyone need a job hanging out and being emotional support to a woman on the brink of crazy-town? Unlimited Wi-Fi and Diet Coke available. Games and activities like Exploding Kittens and brownie-eating-competitions will be provided. (Just don’t blow up my real cats, okay?)

(This started as a joke, but now there’s a part of me that really wants to hire someone who will do all of that with me. A sad testament to how little friends I have that it’s come to the point I’d consider paying someone to be one. Loser alert. It’s hard being an adult.)

makingfriends

On to today’s victim in the pharmacy: 

Woman: Excuse me, I know you don’t work here… but can I ask you something?

Me: Sure. Unless it’s about condoms. I don’t use those so I don’t really have any legitimate advice on them. If I were you, I’d go with the ones that emphasize the woman’s pleasure though. Why the hell not, right? You’re the one here buying them. It’s okay being selfish sometimes.

Woman: Oh…

Me: I know what you’re thinking, but it was an educated and personal decision of ours. I’m married. Happily married even!

Woman: … I was just going to ask you if you knew where the Claritin was…

Me: Oh.. uh.. sorry. It’s right over there. Next to the hemorrhoid creams. Which, thankfully, I also don’t need to use. *nervous laughter*

*Woman stares at me with wide eyes and runs away*

put your pants troll away

catvshumansSometimes it’s completely justifiable to drink wine straight from the bottle and spend the day on the couch hiding under a pile of cats. Maybe even necessary. Doctors really should prescribe things like that. Of course, issues might arise if you don’t have a cat, but you could always just borrow your neighbor’s. Forget what the Bible said – get over there and covet your neighbor’s pussy. Guaranteed to make everyone involved feel better. Just what the doctor ordered.

This weekend has been dubbed sit-on-your-ass-and-do-nothing in my house. After a stressful week of news and various appointments, we think we are owed a relaxing weekend. Plus, I’m an adult. I can do whatever the hell I want, right? Cinnamon rolls for breakfast? Yes, please. A full pint of Ben & Jerry’s for lunch? Don’t mind if I do. Laying on the couch and catching up on 8 hours of recorded TV? Well, if you insist. You’re so kind. This is what successful adulting is all about, folks. Screw everything else.

I’m in the market for some new TV shows to get addicted to. I normally stick to the same ones, but I’m trying to expand my horizons. Anything on Netflix y’all recommend? Hulu? Regular TV? I like anything as long as it goes well with wine.

PS – Does anyone else get seriously bothered by the whole ‘Netflix & chill” saying? I don’t like being interrupted. I take that shit seriously. If I was single and someone invited me over with that prompt, I’d be pissed as hell when they whipped out their pants troll. Put that shit away. ALADDIN IS ON. What in the actual fuck?

I hope y’all have a relaxing weekend.

all you need is chocolate.

Although we look at Valentine’s Day as ‘commercial’ in my house, I still can’t condemn a holiday that boasts love. All you really need in life is love and chocolate, right? So, that’s what Alex and I will be focusing on today – making chocolate cookies smothered in huge globs of frosting. (Let’s face it … cake,cupcakes, and cookies are really just vehicles for however much frosting you can pile on and shove down your throat.)  Needless to say … it’s going to be a good day. 

Still, I wanted to share some things I love. They really shouldn’t come as a surprise since I talk about them often, but I never put  legitimate pictures/videos up of people.

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Alex, who shares my love for animals and married me despite all of my craziness. 

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Pix – my spoiled kitty who is obsessed with her heated bed

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Tora – only 4 months old, but knows how to work a camera

Happy Valentine’s Day, guys. Hope y’all have a great day. Remember – you don’t have to be in a relationship to enjoy today. There are plenty of other important things to love on.

tutus are not okay

Fun Fact: Americans spend more money on pets in a year than Germany spends on its entire defense budget.

Damn right we do! Let’s face it… animals are better catvshumansthan people. There’s no chance Fido is going to hit on your husband and tell your mutual friends that he plans to grab his ass and pretend it was an accident. I doubt Lady Meowington gives a shit if you roll out of bed with Cheeto dust in your hair because you haven’t bothered to shower for a few days. She’d probably like you even more.

People suck. So… go on friends. Go out and buy a heated pet bed. Some specialty food. Spend $200+ dollars on a tree your cat is going to rip to shreds. A pink tutu for your dog. Okay, don’t do that last one. Dogs shouldn’t be in tutus. Seriously… don’t. You copy?

(I have an off topic question – have any of you gone from wordpress.com to .org? Did you have issues? Did you lose your followers? Comments? Do you still have access to the WP Reader? Yes, I’m slow and terrible with computers. Help a girl out!)

anyone up for a break-in?

Fun Fact: There are over 200 feral cats that live in Disneyland. They are fed, fixed, and cared for by Disney staff. The cats come around at night after the crowds are gone, and used to control the mice population. Watch out Mickey, you little shit. There’s a claw coming your way.

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Anyone else think Disney at night would be fun as hell? A theme park full of 200 cats. Much better than the typical loud, poop-scented, temper-tantrum-throwing crowd you usually have to put up with. This is my idea of the happiest place on earth. Rock on, Disney. Pussy lovers unite!

torakitty (Tora-kitten is now a die-hard Disney fan)

what a charity case

I couldn’t successfully complete a resolution if my life depended on it. Needless to say – I didn’t bother making any this year. I’ve tried the weight loss ones, but pizza always wins. I’ve tried giving up alcohol but, let’s be honest here… I’d do some pretty embarrassing things just for a glass of wine. So, I decided it would be easiest to just expand on something I already successfully do. (Then I won’t feel like an ass when I don’t completely fail at a new goal.)

With that being said, I added a new page to my blog. I told a few people this would be completed in December, but the holidays had me pretty damn side-tracked so I’m a bit late on that. Sorry, folks. I’ve been in a cheesecake-induced coma. Some of you know I crochet and sell cat toys to help raise money for the SPCA. (If you didn’t know – now you do! Ha) After a bunch of people contacted me about them online, I thought I’d take it to the internet to try and raise money as well. (Why not, right?) On top of doing cat toys for the SPCA, I’m also crocheting baby blankets & stuffed toys to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. A few cat toys and blankets are on my new Etsy site already, but I will definitely be adding more as I complete them. Keep an eye out 🙂

Here are some catnip Valentine’s Day puffy hearts:

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I hope everyone’s New Years started off on the right foot. Did you make resolutions? Have you ever actually completed one? Good luck, y’all.

yellowbunny

 

 

the end of ‘forced family fun’

Crazy Aunt Karen. Everyone has one, right? That one odd-ball relative that every family member has collectively decided is a bit, you know… off. Her hair looks like she stuck a fork into an electrical socket. Her clothes are fresh out of the 90’s. And, even though you’re well into your twenties, her Christmas gifts consist of Winnie the Pooh t-shirts and watermelon Lipsmackers. She means well, though, and damn… she is entertaining to talk to. Bless her heart. I’d rather hang out with my crazy aunt over my judgmental one any day. Don’t those ones blow? They always make the holidays cringe-worthy. (I’m sure y’all have those relatives, too. Family members can be too critical sometimes.)

crazy_aunt

For someone who is a Christmas fanatic, I’m happy for it to be over. I’ve been drowning in a pool of family members, fattening food, and forced social gatherings for too many days straight. My mind is over stimulated and I’d be lying if I said Christmas being over was anything but a relief. A sweet one. Bring on the fleece pants, hoodies, and fuzzy slippers… I’m overdue and ready to hide out in my house for a few days with no one but Alex and the cats.

How did your Christmas go? Did you get anything exciting? Anything you’ve been patiently (or impatiently) waiting for? My favorite gift on Christmas was running shoes. I know, boring and practical. They are expensive, though, and I never would have paid for them on my own. It’s tough being a cheapskate, guys.

We’ve also decided on a name for our kitten. Thanks to everyone for your suggestions. Alex and I religiously combed over them, and got excited over every new name that was brought up. We really appreciate y’all for taking the time to leave us ideas. We have gone with the name Tora. Which is Japanese for ‘tiger.’ Under her dark patches, she has orange and cream colored stripes, so we thought it was fitting. The name was suggested by ‘New Bloggy Cat.’ Thanks, NBC!  I owe you a forced awkward hug or something.

because, priorities. (giveaway winner revealed!)

Ever find a channel on YouTube and become completely consumed watching it? Your coffee gets cold, you forget to eat breakfast, and you’re two hours late for your run, but, you don’t even care. In this moment, that crap just doesn’t matter anymore. You’re hooked. All in. Obsessed. You’re queuing up your emails and spam posting to social media. You’d be doing a disservice if you don’t tell everyone you know that they must. watch. this. now. This shit is important.

This happened to me this morning when I found ‘Simon’s Cat’ on YouTube. I’m probably embarrassing myself by saying this, considering it’s been around for years, with millions of views, books, and TV commercials. But, I just found it and I’m in love. (The video is short, I promise! If you like cats or have them, you’ll enjoy it)

Also, today is Sunday. Woo. Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway drawing. It was far more than I expected, and y’all are awesome. There can only be one winner, though. And the person’s name who was randomly drawn this time:

catcraftsmo who has an awesome blog here: Why Cats Rule The World Hurray! (I will be emailing you later today)

i want to force hug you guys

Everyone who wished me a happy birthday: thank you. Seriously. You guys kick so. much. ass. A lot of you said amazingly kind things to me, and I was really touched. And I don’t mean the creepy touching that my pervy cousin subjects me to every time we have a reunion hug that lasts a little too long. He’s a lingerer. I enjoyed this touching. It was nice. 

I’ve learned a lot about you guys from your giveaway submissions:
– Some of you are kind enough to open your house to foster cats (and dogs) and are helping them transition to their new homes.
– Some of you have taken in 3,4,5+ strays as the weather takes its turn towards winter. (including two people who are currently housing pregnant cats, and are playing a significant role in the welfare of her kittens)
– A lot of you are animal rescuers and have given your cats an amazing and new chance at life.
– Some of you have recently had pets pass away, and want to donate the prize in their memory.
– I’ve had people ask me, if their name was drawn, to sell the prize and donate the money to the SPCA instead.
– People have asked me how they can purchase the crocheted toys I make because they want to help benefit the SPCA. (I’m actually in the process of setting up an Etsy shop where all profits will be donated to the SPCA. I’ve just been delayed a bit!)

I’m never serious on this blog, but I wanted to point out that there are some really awesome bloggers on here. People who have big hearts, and lots of love to share. Your generosity is a great reminder of what’s good in the world. I’ve read and loved all of your stories, and appreciate everything you guys have done. Thank you. I wish I could share some wine and a piece of my birthday cake with you guys. (Well, maybe a bite. Cake is important to a girl.)

If you haven’t entered yet, and want to do so, go here: Cat-Crazy Giveaway You can still enter through the end of Saturday (11:59 pm EST)

pixandziggy