there’s a whole lot of crazy going on

Today is Alex and my wedding anniversary. Can we give him a round of applause, please? Dealing with me on a daily basis is a whole roller-coaster of crazy. And not a fun one where you scream, throw your hands in the air, and make a plan with your friends to give a big thumbs-up and a cheesy grin to the camera as you zoom by on the rails. Keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times, folks, or you might lose one. 

toystoryhug

Even though I’m a bit crazy, our marriage is quite the opposite. We have an easy, respectful and loving relationship, and I couldn’t possibly be more grateful. I thought it would be fun to share a poem I wrote for Alex this year. Now, let me forewarn you: an 8-year-old has better poetry skills than I do. (I probably haven’t written one since then, anyway) This poem was meant to be a silly joke, and that’s all.

“Oh Alex, I really love you
And the way that you love me
Your butt, your smile, your sense of humor,
Jesus, you make me so crazy.

You’re sexy when you’re cleaning
Take charge of that litter box!
Hurry up, now. I can’t stand it
Strip down into your socks!

Thank you for accepting me,
Farts, hairiness, and all
Even when I shed like crazy,
And leave it on the shower wall

I’ll love you ’til you’re old and wrinkly,
I’m honored to be your wife
You’re stuck with me forever, babe
I’m yo bitch fo’ life”

I know, I know. I won’t quit my day job. 

curious case of the sleep farts

Marriage is awesome. Not only do you get to share everything in your life with someone, cook for them, and clean up after them. It also gives you the chance to come to terms with things that embarrass the hell out of you. Like the smell you leave behind in the bathroom after your morning cup of coffee, or the daunting idea that someone besides your mother will know you have hair that grows above your lip that you have to wax. Or, in my case — having the sleep farts.

funny-love-couples-farts

I don’t know if having relaxed muscles and letting wind escape in the middle of the night is common or not, but imagine the horror I felt when I came to the realization it was uncontrollable. There was no more running to the bathroom and pulling my butt cheeks apart to let them silently escape and I could only blame the random noises in the middle of the night on our cat so many times.  I was all in. I was married. I had to own up to it, and get over it. Man, the first year of marriage was interesting. I’ve become a lot more comfortable about the weird things I do in private since then. Obviously.

Another perk of being married: I’ve been able to try different careers out without any training. I’ve been a masseuse. A chef. And,most commonly — a barber. Would you trust me with scissors around your hair? You probably shouldn’t. One time, I cut a huge chunk off the top of Alex’s hair, which forced him to wear a hat for a month. But, he forgave me, and here I am… still holding the title of the resident barber. Bless his heart.

On a serious note: Find the person that treats you right and makes you happy. Don’t let go. Whether you want to get married or not… there’s no greater feeling than being blindly in love.

when cold medicine makes you crazy

I woke up yesterday feeling like I was upchucked by Satan… which, I can’t say I was too disappointed about. It gave me a legitimate reason to do nothing but be a lazy sack all day. Score! But, as I laid here in a mush of blankets with tissues corkscrewed into nose (sexy, eh?) I discovered two things:

  1. I never add pictures to my posts. What the hell?  That’s boring and something that needs to be changed.
  2. Too much cold medicine makes you do weird things.

So… here’s a picture of my husband trying to shove himself into a pet carrier.

petcarrier

Why, you ask? Because why the hell not.

how diets and husbands don’t always mix

Every time I start a new diet (which is way more often than I’d like to admit) I always tell my husband not to let me eat specific things.  He always gives me a funny look and says something along the lines of “I don’t know… I really don’t want to tell you when to not eat something…” to which I promise him it’s 100% okay because I’m giving him permission and I want him to. Then a few days later when I want something from the list of forbidden foods, I get pissed at him for having the audacity to tell me I shouldn’t eat it. Seriously, how dare he? I’m a grown ass woman, if I want a piece of cake I’m going to eat a damn piece of cake. Get out of here.

When I feel like starting a diet all over again, I swear up-and-down that this time it’s going to be different. Of course, the cycle always repeats itself.

Poor Alex… marriage has been rough on him.

if Cousin Itt had a vagina

Things you don’t want to overhear when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store after church:

Random woman: I’m so glad I’m finally buying a new razor, it’s really bad down there. If Cousin Itt had a vagina…

Random man: Don’t say that in public!

Random woman: They can’t hear me… I said it quietly…

Me: Do you need to go ahead of us? It seems like you have something important to tend to…

Man: …………………………….

Woman: …………………………..

Alex: …………………………

Of course, Alex scolded me in the car for not minding my own business. I think he was slightly embarrassed. Could I have ignored it and not said anything? Yes. Would that have been as fun? No way.

it’s important to have a plan when you’re married

You know you have an atypical marriage when silly conversations like this are normal:

Me: If you ever cheated on me I’d probably kill you.

Alex: I’d never do that, so…………….

Me: Well… I was just trying to be the bigger person and give you a heads up.

Alex: If you cheated on me I’d rip your boobs off and make them into a pillow.

Me: ……… you’ve gone way too far, psycho.

Alex: At least I’m letting you live. 

Me: Uhh… thanks, I guess?