pro tip: keep your pants on

Saturday morning my niece thought it would be hilarious to pants me at our family brunch in the middle of talking to my father-in-law. Yep, there I was… standing, minding my own business and talking about how easy it was to make sloppy joes… and down came the pants. I wasn’t sure if I should be more embarrassed by the fact I hadn’t shaved above the knee in a few days, or that my underwear had cat whiskers on it. Either way – mortifying. You’re welcome for the show, Dad. Me-ow.

For some reason my nieces and nephews don’t look at me like I’m a 30-year-old adult, but rather a very large child. Which means any time they are around I’m usually limping around the house pretending to be a purple giraffe that got it’s leg run over by a rogue safari Jeep or something along those lines. It’s better than wine and cheese, really. It’s fun. It’s crazy. It’s a goddamn blessing. It saves me from a lot of awkwardly boring small talk. (Social anxiety’s mortal enemy.) Who the hell wants to spend family time talking about politics and car issues anyway? I’m good on that, thanks.

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Pro-tip to my fellow adult-sized children: wear a belt. Nobody want’s to see your kitty’s whiskers.

Hope y’all have a good weekend and are successful in keeping your pants on. Unless, well, you know

(PS- Sorry if you got the ‘new post’email twice. I posted it on accident yesterday when I wanted to post it today. Forgive me! I hate when people repost their same blogs over and over just to get more views, so I feel ya. It won’t happen again, folks)

 

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some things can’t be unseen

Ever see something so disturbing you wish you could rip your eyes out and trade them in for a new set? Or, at the very least, have the option of inviting over the Men in Black and having them zap away some unpleasant memories? Wouldn’t that be nice? Damn. I read a news article yesterday that reminded me of something last year that haunted me on a daily basis. Prepared to be disturbed. Or offended. Either is okay…. we’re all friends here.

Men-in-Black

Last summer, I took my 6-year-old niece to the birthday party of one of her classmates. Now, I don’t have any kids and always feel awkward in these situations, so I like to pretend I’m busy on my phone besting my Angry Birds score or something. (It sucks being socially awkward, you know?) Then, another classmate at the party came up to me to talk about the game while she was eating some birthday cake.

Girl: Oh, I’m way past that score! Here… I can show you how to play it right.

Girl’s Mom (to me): Oh, you don’t have to let her use your phone. She just can’t put the electronics down!

Me: Oh, that’s okay. I’m impressed at her game skills.

Girl: I’m thirsty mom, can I have milk?

Girl’s Mom: Sure, come sit here. *Takes her boob out to breastfeed*

*6-year-old girl runs over to suck her mom’s boob while she’s wrecking my Angry Birds score. Phone is officially declared to be in a hostage situation at this point.*

I was…. mortified.

Now… let me just say this – I fully support the movement for normalizing breastfeeding. I think people make a big deal out of it when it shouldn’t be. But… I can’t help but be disturbed by this. The situation legitimately made me feel sick to my stomach. This girl is in 1st grade and eating normal food like cake. The only thing I could manage to do was ask for my phone back and use the bathroom excuse. GOTTA GO, CAN’T WAIT!

How would you have reacted to this situation? Are you disturbed? Weirded out? Slightly nauseous? Or do you think this is 100% normal and okay?

What is going on? This is why I try to stay home as often as possible.

welcome to Lame City

I went through a phase as a teenager when nothing made me happy. Gifts were met with an eye-roll and talks with my parents resulted in the typical ‘stay out of my life‘ or ‘you’re so embarrassing!‘ God, teenagers suck. What the hell? Thankfully… it didn’t last long. (Kids – there’s no better friend than your mom/dad. Who else is willing to pay for all of your unnecessary crap and deal with your shit? No one. NO ONE, I tell you!)

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I find myself being the polar opposite lately. I got new towels today and it made me so happy I did a little jig in the bathroom as I hung them up. Because I got towels. Then a handful of Starburst jelly beans made me sing a song. I’m not sure if I’m becoming more appreciative of little things in my old age, or becoming more lame. Seriously, who gets excited over towels? And food? I think it’s all downhill from here, folks. Next up – getting excited over fiber pills and how they do wonders for my digestive system. Stay tuned.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. There is nothing in this world more important to me than him, so I wanted to add it in. Happy Birthday, Alex. laytonalex

help yourself to some tasty poop water

I live on a cul-de-sac in one of the top 5 safest towns in America. Seriously. People are happy here with their pedigree dogs and their perfect families. Everybody waves. Everybody’s polite. It’s  goddamn sickening, guys, and completely unnatural. But everyone deals with neighbors that need to be slapped upside the head once in awhile. Even here in Perfectville, USA.

I’ve had an ongoing issue with one of the neighborhood kids. Now, you don’t need much introduction to this kid, except that he lives across the cul-de-sac and he specializes in being strange and an asshole. Good times. I know that sounds harsh, but really…. all kids are strange as hell. Yes, even yours. This kid will do whatever the hell he wants and has parents who are never home to correct the behavior. He climbs over our fence and tramples on our garden. He’s opened and walked right into our front door. He’s even taken our mail from the box before. It’s insanity.  I, and many other neighbors, have talked to him and his parents multiple times but nothing ever comes of it.Awhile ago I spoke to him again about staying out of our yard, especially if the gate is locked. But… he didn’t listen. Again.

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So I came up with a master plan to get him back. Which required me asking one of my other neighbors if I could have his dog’s poop. (Yes, it was awkward. Yes, he probably thought I was crazy and questioned whether this town is safe anymore.) I lined up the poop by the fence where the kid lands and hosed it down with water. You know… to soften it up nicely for impact. So thoughtful of me, right? Then… I sat there excitedly eating chips and waited all day staring out my window. It was worth it. Just to see the look on the kids face when he fell into a puddle of murky shit water with bugs floating all around. He hasn’t jumped our fence in months.

Blair: 1 Neighbor Boy: 0

Sometimes you’ve gotta fight fire with fire.

(Disclaimer – No, this kid doesn’t have any disabilities besides being a jerk, so don’t worry. And, yes, I could have been an adult and not stooped to his level, but where the hell is the fun in that?)

a nose full of armpit

When I was young I convinced the other kids in my neighborhood that my dad invented farting. I had one hell of an imagination back then. I thought it was a fun game to see what absurd shit I could convince other kids of. (Kids will believe anything so, why not? Fun for everyone.) For days, every time they saw my dad they’d laugh and congratulate him on his great discovery. He had no idea what was going on so he’d just stand there and awkwardly stare at them like they were walking around with a foot growing out of their faces. The ruse went on for awhile until my sister finally told them it was impossible for someone to invent a bodily function and that I was just fucking with them. She thought it was important I remained honest. I was pissed and hated her for ruining my fun. That bitch.

daeneryswomanMy sister has always looked out for me and tried to keep me on the right path. Even going as far as smelling my armpits to make sure I really did put deodorant on when I said I did. Or being the one to teach me how to shave my legs. She is by far the most badass and influential person that I know. Even though I’m a day late for International Women’s Day, it doesn’t even matter. She’s celebrated in my mind every day.

Thanks, Moe, for smelling my armpits and telling the neighbors that we aren’t heiresses to the fortune of fart discovery. 

(Random question – I’m thinking of making a new header for my site, but I’m terrible at doodling. If any of you are good at drawing and interested in doing a simple doodle for me, email me at theshamefulsheep@gmail.com if you want to work something out)

a lemony-fresh shitstorm

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I hate that saying. Screw making lemonade. Why not do something actually enjoyable when something goes to shit – like hurling them at unsuspecting kids? You know, like Buddy the Elf does when he mows down a bunch of bullies with snowballs. Now that is fun. A sure-fire way to turn your day around.

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Have you ever spent all your energy making sure something was absolutely perfect? Then, something out of your control happens and everything you worked so hard to accomplish doesn’t matter anymore. Like buying expensive wine and spending all day cooking for a dinner party just to have your friend’s 2-year-old rip off his diaper and smear shit all over your curtains. Or planning the perfect day-trip to the beach. You’re laying there, soaking up the sun, beer in hand, thinking life couldn’t get any better right now. Until a minute later when you realize there’s a used condom crusted to the bottom of your foot. Lemons! Lemons everywhere, goddammit. 

Why does crap like that always happen? Why can’t things ever go as well as you imagined? Plan for perfection – experience a shit storm. A metaphor of my life.

shitstorm

Random-ass Update: Today begins the design of my self-hosted site. Hurray! Hopefully it goes as planned. If not, at least I’ll get the opportunity to pelt some lemons at people.

PS – Don’t throw shit at kids. It’s just a joke. Okay? That’s not cool. Not cool at all. 

all you need is chocolate.

Although we look at Valentine’s Day as ‘commercial’ in my house, I still can’t condemn a holiday that boasts love. All you really need in life is love and chocolate, right? So, that’s what Alex and I will be focusing on today – making chocolate cookies smothered in huge globs of frosting. (Let’s face it … cake,cupcakes, and cookies are really just vehicles for however much frosting you can pile on and shove down your throat.)  Needless to say … it’s going to be a good day. 

Still, I wanted to share some things I love. They really shouldn’t come as a surprise since I talk about them often, but I never put  legitimate pictures/videos up of people.

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Alex, who shares my love for animals and married me despite all of my craziness. 

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Pix – my spoiled kitty who is obsessed with her heated bed

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Tora – only 4 months old, but knows how to work a camera

Happy Valentine’s Day, guys. Hope y’all have a great day. Remember – you don’t have to be in a relationship to enjoy today. There are plenty of other important things to love on.