let’s crush those tomatoes, ladies

While I was reaching for some of my prized Chobani yogurt in the grocery store the other day, a random man grabbed my ass. Believe me when I say – it took all of the willpower I could muster to refrain from turning around and crushing his balls so hard they looked like deflated tomatoes with their guts oozing out. What a prick, right? I looked for Alex to defend my honor but he wandered off and had been lost in the beer aisle at that point. Damn it!

I’m not sure why anyone would think touching a random person would be a great start to any sort of ‘relationship.’ Especially when one person was wearing a blatantly obvious wedding ring (as I was!) Did he expect me to just escort him to the bathroom and drop my panties for him? Or that we would start a long-lasting and loving relationship from some unwelcome groping? I mean, seriously…has any woman (or man, really) ever had a positive response to something like this? Where the fuck do people get the nerve to grab people?! So many questions, so little answers. 

People, it is never okay to touch a stranger. Don’t grab their ass. Don’t grab their arm. Don’t even poke them. Not. Okay. You copy? Just don’t. ‘Hey, Chobani kicks ass, so you must too’ is a much better ice breaker. Plus, your balls will have a much better chance of making it through the shopping trip without being harmed.

time for a beatdown

There are very few things in life that make me angry enough to want to rip somebody’s face off and wear it as a diaper. Very few. Actually, I pride myself in knowing how to take a joke and rarely being offended by things. Well, yesterday I had one of those moments where a face-diaper almost became a real thing, generously coupled with a swift kick to the balls. (I was in a giving mood… what can I say?)

Guys… telling a woman she shouldn’t wear yoga pants in public because she’s overweight is something that should never happen. Especially when you follow it up with the fact that it’s nothing to do with how it makes her feel, but she shouldn’t wear them because it’s hurting YOUR eyes. I don’t care if you meant it as a joke or not. You’re a prick and fuck you. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people? What’s happening to common sense and manners?

I truly hope I never overhear something like this again. If I do, there’s a 95% chance I’m going to take a crap on your face. Watch out you sad little shit.

Do you find this joke inappropriate or am I the only one? If you overheard a comment like this would you say something? It really bothered me, but it’s highly possible I’m a bit crazy.