you are one nosy s.o.b

People are weird as hell. I am no exception. (Neither are you!) For some reason I have the incessant desire to snoop through the bathroom cabinets when I’m in a person’s house for the first time. Terrible, right? But, the contents of your cabinets and drawers tell a lot about you. Plus, I think I have the right to know what kind of crazy shit I may be dealing with here. It would be nice to be sure that, you know, you didn’t invite me over to harvest my organs or shove a plastic bag of heroin up my butt. There’s no way I’m schlepping over the Mexican border for you, asshole.

So, if you are inviting me over for some of your prize-winning chili and a rousing game of bathroomsnooperPictionary for the first time – there is a good chance I will be rummaging through your bathroom. Hide your pill bottles, your condom stash, and your Preparation H. Do me a favor and don’t leave a pile of dirty crusted over undies on the closet floor. (Not that I’m going to touch or go through your underwear – I’m not that crazy – but I will help myself to opening the door if it’s closed.) And, for the love of God, please refrain from leaving a pile of wet hair swirled around on the wall of the shower or leave a new douching kit proudly out on the counter. There’s no way I’m going to see a douche out on a counter and not make a joke about it. Embarrassment will ensue, my dear. 

Thanks for your consideration. This is the first step to a successful lifelong friendship with a crazy person. (e.g. ME)

Have you ever nosed your way through someone’s bathroom? Ever find something alarmingly weird?  Don’t be ashamed, folks. Here’s a Fun Fact: 40% of people who come to your home for a party snoop in your medicine cabinets.