i’m getting stabby

Sometimes I feel like a bad American. Now, I can definitely get down with the love of hamburgers and pizza. I’m also all about double-fisting cans of really shitty beer until I can’t remember my name and I’m running down the street wearing my bra as a headband. (I haven’t done that before. Nope, never. Really.) I just can’t handle the politics. It makes me stabby. When someone tries to talk to me about them I stare at them wide-eyed and clueless. I’m a lost cause.

georgecarlinquote

People like to give me a lot of shit because I don’t vote. (Yes, you can too if you want. But I’m just going to shake my head slowly and pretend you’re naked and being hugged by a human-size porcupine.) Obviously I care about the issues at hand and a lot of them are important to me, I think I just get too overwhelmed by the arguing. I can’t handle the confrontation. The idiocy. The insanity. I get too emotionally invested by things so I’m better off avoiding them like the plague.

Ready for some irony? My college major was Political Science. (Weird, right?)

(Edited to Add this paragraph) I just can’t handle the way politics turn people into assholes. Recently when Scalia passed away, I read numerous posts on Facebook and here (WP) about celebrations. How it was a great thing. There were jokes over his death, cheers, and a lot of fucked up stuff about how happy people were. Regardless of the guy’s politics – he was still a person. With a family. Who died. Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with people? You’re disgusting. 

I’m curious where you stand, so you better vote down below. I already told you I was feeling stabby. So… you better listen! (Please and thank you 🙂 )

a lemony-fresh shitstorm

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I hate that saying. Screw making lemonade. Why not do something actually enjoyable when something goes to shit – like hurling them at unsuspecting kids? You know, like Buddy the Elf does when he mows down a bunch of bullies with snowballs. Now that is fun. A sure-fire way to turn your day around.

buddytheelf

 

Have you ever spent all your energy making sure something was absolutely perfect? Then, something out of your control happens and everything you worked so hard to accomplish doesn’t matter anymore. Like buying expensive wine and spending all day cooking for a dinner party just to have your friend’s 2-year-old rip off his diaper and smear shit all over your curtains. Or planning the perfect day-trip to the beach. You’re laying there, soaking up the sun, beer in hand, thinking life couldn’t get any better right now. Until a minute later when you realize there’s a used condom crusted to the bottom of your foot. Lemons! Lemons everywhere, goddammit. 

Why does crap like that always happen? Why can’t things ever go as well as you imagined? Plan for perfection – experience a shit storm. A metaphor of my life.

shitstorm

Random-ass Update: Today begins the design of my self-hosted site. Hurray! Hopefully it goes as planned. If not, at least I’ll get the opportunity to pelt some lemons at people.

PS – Don’t throw shit at kids. It’s just a joke. Okay? That’s not cool. Not cool at all.