welcome, pervs

Every once in awhile I get deeply concerned about people and what the hell they are thinking. Not specific people… just people as a whole. Seriously, what are you guys doing? Are you okay? Do we need to have a talk? Frankly, a lot of you creep me out on a whole different level and make me want to run away to a deserted island with nothing but nachos and a pool filled with raspberry margaritas.Can it get any better than that? I highly doubt it. 

It’s been awhile since I’ve looked at my search results, and it was instant regret once I did. So, naturally, I’m going to share them with you so you can be disturbed along with me. Misery loves company, right? (Fair warning: there are some strange people out there. Proceed with caution)

“i love shameful teens” 
“elizabeth thatcher shows her pussy from when calls the heart”
“what does sheep pussy look like?”
“why do cats screech during sex?”
“you’re a bunglecunt”
“my sister was born in lame city”

When did this turn into a porn site? Have I ever talked about anything sex-related? WHAT IS GOING ON? Am I missing something? I’m scared.

What’s the strangest search term you’ve ever had? I can’t be the only one that gets such absurd things. I hope. 

keep your curtains closed

Fun Fact: When you randomly wake up around 2-3 am there is an 80% chance someone is staring at you.

How many people will be shitting their pants tonight while trying to fall asleep? I wake up in the middle of the night almost every night, so whether this is true or not, I’m scarred. From now on, we’ll all be stuck waking up in a panic at 2 am. Peering around like lunatics with our blankets clutched to our faces and fumbling to use our phones as flashlights. There are some good times ahead, guys.

Well, it’s December. My favorite month of the year. My husband has finally agreed to shave his beard, and later in the month we all get to come together and celebrate the birth of one kickass individual. We can sing songs. Eat cookies. Drink a lot of wine. Give some gifts. It’s a day for everyone to be joyful.

Obviously… I’m talking about myself. My birthday is next week. Go get your party hats ready. (I guess Jesus’s birthday and Christmas are pretty important parts of December, too.)