help yourself to some tasty poop water

I live on a cul-de-sac in one of the top 5 safest towns in America. Seriously. People are happy here with their pedigree dogs and their perfect families. Everybody waves. Everybody’s polite. It’s  goddamn sickening, guys, and completely unnatural. But everyone deals with neighbors that need to be slapped upside the head once in awhile. Even here in Perfectville, USA.

I’ve had an ongoing issue with one of the neighborhood kids. Now, you don’t need much introduction to this kid, except that he lives across the cul-de-sac and he specializes in being strange and an asshole. Good times. I know that sounds harsh, but really…. all kids are strange as hell. Yes, even yours. This kid will do whatever the hell he wants and has parents who are never home to correct the behavior. He climbs over our fence and tramples on our garden. He’s opened and walked right into our front door. He’s even taken our mail from the box before. It’s insanity.  I, and many other neighbors, have talked to him and his parents multiple times but nothing ever comes of it.Awhile ago I spoke to him again about staying out of our yard, especially if the gate is locked. But… he didn’t listen. Again.

dennis_the_menace_asshole

So I came up with a master plan to get him back. Which required me asking one of my other neighbors if I could have his dog’s poop. (Yes, it was awkward. Yes, he probably thought I was crazy and questioned whether this town is safe anymore.) I lined up the poop by the fence where the kid lands and hosed it down with water. You know… to soften it up nicely for impact. So thoughtful of me, right? Then… I sat there excitedly eating chips and waited all day staring out my window. It was worth it. Just to see the look on the kids face when he fell into a puddle of murky shit water with bugs floating all around. He hasn’t jumped our fence in months.

Blair: 1 Neighbor Boy: 0

Sometimes you’ve gotta fight fire with fire.

(Disclaimer – No, this kid doesn’t have any disabilities besides being a jerk, so don’t worry. And, yes, I could have been an adult and not stooped to his level, but where the hell is the fun in that?)

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166 thoughts on “help yourself to some tasty poop water

  1. Dennis the Vizsla says:

    hello blair its dennis the vizsla dog hay hmm poop water yoo say??? ware kan i obtayn sum of this poop water??? striktly for ekspeerimentul study of korse and also for rolling in!!! ok bye

  2. jannatwrites says:

    That’s pretty funny. I have two sons and I have always told neighbors (and teachers) that if they see my kids not behaving, I want to know about it. It’s hard to believe that kids are allowed free-reign, but I see it too often. In that case, fighting bad behavior with poop, well, it gets the message across.

  3. Lady Dickson says:

    I thank sweet baby Jesus everyday that I live in the middle of my city and out of the suburbs. Although, this story itself kind of makes me want to fuck with neighbour kids.

  4. itsgoodtobecrazysometimes says:

    I am disappointed, I was hoping you had made some sort of catapult where you lobbed poo at him, along with making sure you had some way of putting on one of those shock collars round his neck.

    Not that I would condone this behavour at all

  5. laceduplutheran says:

    Doesn’t sound childish to me at all. Sounds like you took the rational, adult route – but you made a mistake. You assumed that the parents were also rational adults. When you realized your mistake, you made corrections and adjusted your approach to the situation, very calmly. In fact, in ended up teaching a very valuable lesson to the youngster – that there are consequences to one’s decisions. I want to say thank you for teaching the child one of life’s important lessons. Oh, and also – awesome idea! I’ll save that for when I need something like that down the road.

  6. Create-A-Holic Writer says:

    Good for you! Somebody has to teach him a lesson. A lot of neighbours today seem to be devoid of the common courtesies that they should be passing on to their kids. If the little shit doesn’t understand plain language, then having him step in some shit might just be the way to clarify things. 🙂

  7. itsnot serious says:

    have relative who was once married to a cop. if you notified them that a kid in the ‘hood was doing mischief they would send a uniform cop to talk to the parents. They said usually a visit like this is all it takes. Also I’d let the mailman know, tampering with your mail box is quite serious

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