what the hell, guys?

I only started this blog at the end of September, so my ‘year in review’ is, well… pretty damn dismal. (Actually, WP never even sent me one. Screw those monkeys for leaving me out. It’s middle school all over again.) The best thing about my stats since I’ve started blogging is -by far- the search terms people have used and landed on my site.

Let’s take a look at a few of these gems:
“i married a man that farts all the time”
“woke up to my dog humping my head”
“sheep sex”
“my husband is mean when he takes cold medicine”
“will Petco neuter my rat?”

I’m speechless, guys. No words. What’s worse — the deranged things people search for, or the fact the results link to my blog. Either way, it’s insanity.

Thanks for hanging out in 2015, friends. Thanks for sticking by when I talk about some pretty inappropriate things, drop too many swears, and get a little pun-heavy. Stay safe tonight, and don’t forget to wear your diaper.

a question of sanity

Fun Fact: Some people wear adult diapers in NYC on New Year’s Eve to accommodate for the big crowd and lack of available bathrooms.

Guys… I don’t even know what to say here. Why would you choose to stroll around in your own urine all night? Do you really want to hug and embrace your loved one, plant a kiss under the fireworks, and ring in the new year with a hot loaded diaper sagging down your skinny jeans? This may sound pretty romantic to some, but this isn’t my idea of a great start to the year. If it’s yours, well… more power to you, I guess. (Not really. Y’all are pretty weird.)

Would you soil yourself for the opportunity to spend NYE in Times Square? Have you done this already?! I’m afraid to know the truth, but the curiosity is killing me.

the end of ‘forced family fun’

Crazy Aunt Karen. Everyone has one, right? That one odd-ball relative that every family member has collectively decided is a bit, you know… off. Her hair looks like she stuck a fork into an electrical socket. Her clothes are fresh out of the 90’s. And, even though you’re well into your twenties, her Christmas gifts consist of Winnie the Pooh t-shirts and watermelon Lipsmackers. She means well, though, and damn… she is entertaining to talk to. Bless her heart. I’d rather hang out with my crazy aunt over my judgmental one any day. Don’t those ones blow? They always make the holidays cringe-worthy. (I’m sure y’all have those relatives, too. Family members can be too critical sometimes.)

For someone who is a Christmas fanatic, I’m happy for it to be over. I’ve been drowning in a pool of family members, fattening food, and forced social gatherings for too many days straight. My mind is over stimulated and I’d be lying if I said Christmas being over was anything but a relief. A sweet one. Bring on the fleece pants, hoodies, and fuzzy slippers… I’m overdue and ready to hide out in my house for a few days with no one but Alex and the cats.

How did your Christmas go? Did you get anything exciting? Anything you’ve been patiently (or impatiently) waiting for? My favorite gift on Christmas was running shoes. I know, boring and practical. They are expensive, though, and I never would have paid for them on my own. It’s tough being a cheapskate, guys.

We’ve also decided on a name for our kitten. Thanks to everyone for your suggestions. Alex and I religiously combed over them, and got excited over every new name that was brought up. We really appreciate y’all for taking the time to leave us ideas. We have gone with the name Tora. Which is Japanese for ‘tiger.’ Under her dark patches, she has orange and cream colored stripes, so we thought it was fitting. The name was suggested by ‘New Bloggy Cat.’ Thanks, NBC!  I owe you a forced awkward hug or something.

Santa Came to See Us!

Here’s the winner of my Cat-Crazy Giveaway! Look at all of these cute furry guys. Say it with me, now… ‘awww’

Why Cats Rule The World

A great big box was delivered to our front door today!  The giveaway package from The Shameful Sheep (Blair) had finally arrived!

My daughter couldn’t wait to open it.  Inside we found a beautiful pet bed, a pretty blue flannel blanket, a package of kitty treats and a bunch of crocheted kitty toys.  We had no more than opened it all when the cats discovered their new goodies!  They love it all!  Of course, I had to take some pictures!  Thank you!!

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welcome, little hellraiser

From the age of four, my Christmas list always had a puppy or kitten as my #1 most wished for gift. Seriously, I wrote it every damn year. Twenty-five years later, Santa has finally made my wish come true. Took him long enough, right? Bastard.

This sweet 3-month-old kitty is actually a Christmas gift from my in-laws. (Sit down, Santa) Alex and I were looking for a kitten with a similar personality of our resident cat, Pix, so they would mesh well together. Well, my mother-in-law found the perfect kitten at the vet school she works at.  She and her litter-mates were found at the high-kill animal shelter and brought in to teach vet students how to spay/neuter. And, well… she is painfully sweet and adorable. We are in love already. We’ve been taking our time with her introduction to Pix, and it’s been going better than we expected. No hissing or growling so far. (We are expecting this to change,though lol) Pix has always been around cats and dogs, so we aren’t too worried.

Do you have any good cat names? We are blanking on a good name for her, and have been referring to her as “Christmas Kitty” for the past two days. We like names that are a bit different. Help a girl out

Merry Christmas, guys. I hope your weekends are filled with an overabundance of family time, great food, desserts so sweet your teeth are contemplating jumping ship, and of course, happiness. I’m truly looking forward to reading everyone’s Christmas recaps and seeing pictures.

it all makes sense now

Fun Fact: Witzelsucht is a rare disease characterized by someone who can’t stop making puns, saying inappropriate jokes, or telling pointless stories when it’s socially unacceptable.

Well… I’m feeling pretty validated right now because I finally have an answer for all the times I couldn’t help but tell an inappropriate story in a room full of strangers, only to be met with eyes of glaring judgment. Or share some terribly cliche puns about farting at the ripe age of 29. From now on, every time someone questions my sense of humor, calls me tasteless, or points out that I’m unladylike… I’m going to refer them to this post.

So, guys… I have a condition. (Thanks for pointing it out) There are times I must tell you my stories about yellow snow, farting, blow jobs, and experiences of hump-happy dogs. Don’t be offended by my tales. Just blame it on the Witzelsucht. 

when life gets hot and sticky

Has there ever been a period of time when you stop and think ‘hey, life is pretty perfect right now.’ You’re fitting into your favorite jeans, you just found out your arch enemy was arrested for public indecency, and, hell… for the first Christmas in years, money isn’t an issue. You’re shocked, grateful, and there’s no possible way to love life more than you do in this very moment. Then, not even a day later, a hot and sticky shit-storm rains all over your head and snaps you back into reality. Life is never that easy. Don’t ever think that. C’mon, now.

Things in my life were pretty damn awesome until I hit Saturday. I was deep into my final Christmas shopping trip in the mall, when I noticed I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe from an hour earlier. When it was time to leave, and I backed out of my parking spot, my entire front bumper got ripped off my car. (Yes, I’m the dumbass who pulled up too far over the curb.) Then, after I had a minor  major meltdown in the parking lot and finally made it home, Alex pointed out that there was white goop crusted above my lip from my beloved Starbucks drink. It wasn’t pretty, folks.

Sunday – I woke up sick.

Just remember — you are at the mercy of god/fate/karma/whatever you believe in. You’re their bitch, and they won’t be shy to knock you down a few pegs when needed. Never get too comfortable. It goes just as fast as it comes

 

you’re a stalker

I’m a failure at social media. Absolutely rotten at it. I used to try to get into it, but, after a few years — I simply didn’t give a crap anymore. I think the problem is I don’t understand it. I couldn’t help but feel like I was doing a disservice to everyone by boring them to tears over the contents of my everyday life. Since I’m sparing y’all from that, I’m just going to say: you’re welcome. Oddly enough, I do enjoy reading people’s posts about their lives. Which doesn’t make me a stalker at all. Right? Right?! Hell… we’re all a bunch of goddamned stalkers. All of us. Such creeps. 

I’ve never  posted anything for Flashback Friday. (I hope that’s a thing. I’m not 100%, but I’m going with it.) I assume FF was made up for the slackers who forgot Throwback Thursday and still want a reason to throw up their old photos of peace signs, perked up duck lips, and awkward selfies. So, let’s get to it…

Here I am. Barely 3 years old. A week before Christmas. The very first photo at the start of my embarrassing addiction. To slippers.

Yep, I love slippers and I’ve received them a week before Christmas for the last 26 years straight. Gotta embrace traditions, you know? Do you have something you get every year without fail? Don’t be embarrassed, now…

snickers for everybody!

Anyone else have an unhealthy relationship with Target? I’m a bit obsessed. I could spend hours walking up and down the aisles, sipping my overpriced Starbucks, and staring at all the bathroom decorations and trying to decide if it’s a good time to redecorate or not. The other day, Alex called me to make sure I was still alive and wondering if he should send a search party because I had been MIA for too long. It’s hard not to get consumed in there. I love it. I really do… but the employees hate me.

Target Cashier: Hi, how are you today? Did you find everything alright?

Me: I’m good, thanks. I found everything I needed. I’m just trying to convince myself to not get a Snickers. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort. I definitely don’t need one. You know what I’m saying?

Target Cashier: *awkward smile* Do you want to sign up for our RedCard today?

Me: No, thanks….. You know, I’m going for the it. Why not? I worked out today. Ate a salad for lunch. Plus… it’s Christmas. I wouldn’t be an American if I didn’t gain weight over the holidays. So, I’m doing it. The decision is made. I’m about to kill this almond one. It’s only $1 anyways, right? That’s nothing. It’s totally worth it. Ring her up, kind lady.

Target Cashier: Okay. Do you want to donate $1 to end local child hunger?

Me: ….

Target Cashier: ….

Me: Why’d you have to make this awkward, Julie?

get your clothes off the floor, karen

Fun Fact: The word “slut” was originally used to describe a woman who didn’t keep her room clean.

All of those years in school I thought people slut-shaming me had no basis. Turns out I was wrong this whole time. I loved being slutty in my room when I was younger. Luckily, for my husband, I don’t participate in that lifestyle anymore. No sluttyness here. I have high standards for keeping the dirtiness out. That’s what happens when you’re married.