keep your curtains closed

Fun Fact: When you randomly wake up around 2-3 am there is an 80% chance someone is staring at you.

How many people will be shitting their pants tonight while trying to fall asleep? I wake up in the middle of the night almost every night, so whether this is true or not, I’m scarred. From now on, we’ll all be stuck waking up in a panic at 2 am. Peering around like lunaticssantawatchesyou with our blankets clutched to our faces and fumbling to use our phones as flashlights. There are some good times ahead, guys.

Well, it’s December. My favorite month of the year. My husband has finally agreed to shave his beard, and later in the month we all get to come together and celebrate the birth of one kickass individual. We can sing songs. Eat cookies. Drink a lot of wine. Give some gifts. It’s a day for everyone to be joyful.

Obviously… I’m talking about myself. My birthday is next week. Go get your party hats ready. (I guess Jesus’s birthday and Christmas are pretty important parts of December, too.)

74 thoughts on “keep your curtains closed

  1. Justice&Humanity says:

    Of course someone is watching you. It is probably one of the relatives of the many spiders that we apparently swallow while we are sleeping. Will that help you get to sleep tonight? 🙂 so when is the actual birthday?

  2. fattymccupcakes says:

    Did you know that the witching hour is really between 3:00-4:00 AM? I can’t wake up between that time anymore and not wonder what evil creature is staring at me in the dark!! It doesn’t help that we are watching AHS Hotel right now!!!

  3. carlalouise89 says:

    I literally keep almost all my curtains closed because I’m so afraid someone will be watching me at night and I can’t see them. Is this really true? Like, seriously? Not much scares me, but this kind of does! (With the exception of spiders. I can’t handle that shit.)

      • carlalouise89 says:

        Ha ha ha you so will. There was a time a wolf spider climbed into my bed at two in the morning and bit me. It was not only excruciatingly painful, but traumatising. Perhaps spiders watch you, too. Man, I am never going to sleep again!!! (I’m just kidding.)

  4. spartacus2030 says:

    Oh well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! next week Shameful! I wake up a lot :O( Us funny people never age past 12, so how old will you be next week? I’m 9, and always will be…

  5. Miriam says:

    Yep, waking up 2-3 times during the night is nothing new for me. And I often find someone looking at me – my dog! He shares my night-time waking antics. Hope you have an amazing birthday.

  6. Midwestern Plant Girl says:

    This doesn’t surprise me as I’ve had peepers b4. That was 20 years ago tho. If someone still wants to peep in my windows. . I’ll take the compliment! 😃
    I’m a January baby. Not that I’m celebrating my birthday anymore (I celebrate the anniversary of my 40th) but I’ve always felt I’ve got the shaft as no one wants to go out, has $$ to go out or is available to go out.
    I wish you better luck and a happy day! 🎉

  7. Healthy Not Nuts says:

    I’ll have a glass of wine “with” ya on your birthday! Ok, you just HAD to put that info about waking up in the night while I am in a hotel for a serious business meeting AND the Furries are just starting to show up for their convention. Are you kidding me? LOL! This will be interesting. I better make sure I close the curtains!

  8. lisamariagardiner says:

    My daughter has a habit of leaning over me when I`m asleep, with her long dark hair hanging over her face – just like that creepy arse girl in “The Ring” I`ve nearly decked her a few times in fright 🙂
    Happy birthday xx

  9. Nancy E. Gibson says:

    Gee, thanks for the fun fact… I wake up at 4 a.m. every morning and can’t get back to sleep, I wonder what’s happening then? Wait, don’t tell me. LOL

    I’ll dust off my birthday hat so it’s to go but just in case I don’t catch your post, Happy Birthday!

  10. BunKaryudo says:

    Happy Birthday (soon)! Incidentally, if I wake up in the early hours, it’s not usually because I’m being stared at. Most often it’s because my wife has stole the duvet… again!

  11. Majella Boland says:

    Just in regards to this – I wake up and find some one ( spirit) staring at me. It’s scary shit, and I pretend it’s all imagination. But my dad says its spirits passing through the night. He sees them all the time as they pass through. Scary, but I’ve got to believe him. Well I don’t got to, but I like to. Phantoms of the night. I do prefer the more humorous one, of all the relatives of the spider you have just swallowed. Oh Happy Birthday.

  12. Daniel Peterson says:

    I am also a December baby. I like having my birthday right toward the end of the year. I get to look for forward to it throughout the year rather than have it happen and wonder where it went already.

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